I Started Seeing a Therapist and It Changed My Life
Now I am stronger than ever.
When I was 7 years old my parents got a divorce. It wasn’t pretty and the opposite of child-centred. These years were tough for my siblings and me, but we were never asked if we wanted to talk with a neutral party.
Over the years the stigma on mental health has changed, but going to a therapist is still seen by many as a weakness. This was also the case for the 12-year-old version of me, which you will find out by reading the following story.
Around the age of 12, I had to take a test to decide what high school to go to and besides the math and language questions, the test also consisted of a personal questionnaire.
I had to answer about 10 questions about how I was feeling and what I wanted to achieve. The following question was also on my sheet:
“What is your goal for the next year?”
Answer: Make sure my parents get back together.
My parents had been divorced for almost 5 years and I still hadn’t quit. I was still trying to get them back together. I felt like it was my job and duty to get them back together. My reasoning for this desire had faded away over the years, but the drive was still there. I had set a goal for myself, and nobody, not even my own doubts, would stop me from getting them back together. I was determined and still fully focused on the divorce of my parents five years after the fact.
A few weeks after I had handed in my test, the door of the classroom opened and my name was called. I had to walk with a teacher to her office on the other side of the school. We walked down the stairs, out of the old part of the school, an old monastery, and into the newly built part of the school until we arrived at her office.
I still remember how small that office was and how disorganized her desk was. We did have a nice view out on the playground and I felt a sense of happiness and peace because of the green leaves on the trees outside. She asked me to sit down. We were sitting close to each other, because of the limited space. We started to talk: the time had arrived to find out the reason why I was in that tiny stuffed office.
A few minutes later I ran out, crying and feeling claustrophobic.
What happened?
In our short but emotionally impactful talk, she asked me about the answers I had given on the personal questionnaire. The first thoughts that entered my mind were based on how I could have been stupid enough to give those answers. However, then she started telling me that I had problems. Supposedly, the things I had written down were not normal for a 12-year-old kid. She advised me to see a therapist.
I got mad at her.
She told me to give up on my goal. A goal I had dedicated almost half of my life to already. She told me I could not do it on my own. She told me I needed help. I was fully convinced I did not need anyone. In my mind, help was only for the weak.
Just before I ran out of her office she assured me I would not get through high school if I would not decide to see a therapist.
She had given me a new life goal: I was going to prove her wrong. I was going to get through high school without any help from a therapist.
High school
I achieved my goal and I proved her wrong. In high school, I was at the top of my class, graduated cum laude and besides that, I also achieved many athletic goals of mine. I gave those 6 years all that I had within me, all because she told me I needed help.
During my time in high school, I did not consciously think about that talk in the small office. Unconsciously I had generated a need to be strong and not show weakness by asking for help. I had to be strong for myself, my parents and my siblings.
Some time towards the end of high school I got reminded of why I was living life in this way with this extraordinary drive to achieve. I saw the lady walking across the street and everything flashed in front of my eyes. I felt the peace and the anger, the freedom and claustrophobia and the joy and tears. I felt it all at once.
However, in a blink of an eye, those feelings were gone and the focus was back on. It wasn’t until a few years later that I realised she might have had a point.
The turning point
After high school, years after having the conversation in the tiny room, I moved to the US to play soccer on a scholarship and study. I was proud to have achieved my dream. However, the distance between my family, my old life, and my home was bigger than ever. I was on a different continent and was able to have a fresh start. At least that is what I thought.
“A fresh start isn't a place, it is a mindset.”
My time in the US was cut short. After 6 months I decided to go back to my family, 3 years earlier than expected. In those 6 months, I had time to reflect on who I had been, who I was and who I wanted to become. I realized that being in the US was almost what I expected and needed it to be. The mindset, competitiveness, team spirit and training, it was all within my reach. However, I wasn’t offered the competitive education that I needed and most importantly this was not the right ‘fresh start’ for me at that point in my life.
I had not yet found closure for everything that had happened in the first 18 years of my life. My mindset was far from being ready for the next step, which is why I decided to see a therapist. I was able to make this decision because I had already proven myself to the teacher in the tiny room: I had not only survived high school but had excelled during that time.
The first appointment
The most important step in this process was my mindset change. I realized and accepted the fact that if I wanted to grow and create my fresh start, I needed to do this. I did not feel shame, but I felt proud to have decided to step out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable.
I am not going to lie. The first appointment was tough, and the second wasn’t any easier. But sometimes we just need someone to talk to, to get our own thoughts straight.
It has been almost 16 months since my first appointment. I have learned so much about myself and have grown tremendously. I don’t have as many appointments as in the beginning because the big steps have been made. However, just like going to the gym, whatever shape you are in if you quit it won’t improve. Currently, I am still in the process of creating my fresh start and looking back I am happy that I have conquered the stigma of being weak when asking for some help.
“I see a therapist.”
Whenever I tell someone that I see a therapist, people are surprised and I get answers similar to: “I did not think you would have to see a therapist.” Not so long ago, I would have probably said the same and would have thought that I was emotionally unstable. Someone I would not want to be around. However, now I want to be around that person that sees a therapist and works on their personal growth just as much as I would want to meet someone who goes to the gym.
Life is all about growth, whether this is mentally getting stronger by seeing a therapist or growing your strength in the gym. Because without growth, we are not living, but slowly dying.
“The truth is we are all strong but with some help here and there we can become even stronger.”
