I Work Really Hard At Staying Depressed
A ‘Joy Hangover’ led me to realize how hard I’m working to stay stuck.
It’s an unpopular concept; the idea that depression is something you could work really hard to stay stuck in — especially with it being such a widespread problem — But for me, I kind of do, so, hear me out.
I’m in the baby stages of launching my new business, why would depression come knocking?
Depression and Anxiety: My Safe Zones
They’re uncomfortable comfort for me; a place I’m familiar with; a place where, formerly, I’d be classed as socially acceptable and not a nuisance.
For a very long time, I was punished, criticized, and advised to lower my standards by people I loved. To be proud of me, be excited about my achievements, or share things I learned would mean quite often I’d be called out for being an egotistical asshole; other times, occasionally, I would be ‘put in my place’.
I learned that to succeed, to be happy and excited about my goals and dreams; to expect respect, love and acceptance were dangerous — they ended in emotional pain and rejection — if not revenge. It’s little wonder that my subconscious automatically diverts to self-sabotage, depression, and anxiety any time I dare to step outside of my comfort zone, let alone if I have the brass pair to go and embark on a project I’m excited about.
I lost both of my parents to long battles with alcohol addictions by the time I was 28 — 2 years before I’d become a mother myself. I’ve seen a lot of pain, loss, and heartbreak.
I certainly have every right to be depressed and anxious.
It’s not who I am at my very core though.
As a person, I love to laugh and joke about, I don’t take myself too seriously, I have love to give in bucketfuls and I believe that anything is possible.
So, over the last few years I’ve been working at picking apart the layers of hurt and cultivating a happier me — it’s an imperfect journey I’m immensely proud of.
My Birthday
It was my birthday over the weekend, it was filled with so much love and good times; I was bursting with gratitude and love, then, *poof* I was spiraling into overthinking, panic and anxiety — quickly followed by a joy hangover — a heady mix of depression and energy hoovering.
What the hell happened? My brain. That’s what happened.
I was feeling love and joy, I felt gooey and squishy — I felt open, vulnerable and exposed — I perceived this as the perfect ‘in’ for a narcissistic swoop — despite none being present in my life.
So quickly, I gathered my self-sabotage toolkit, my depression, and anxiety armor, threw a sulk, and hid over the weekend. I’d be safe there.
It’s Hard Not to Judge
It’s hard for me not to get judgemental and huffy with myself, like with any form of self-sabotage though, I’d only be getting the response I want out of myself by chastising myself for feeling blue; falling foul to an old limiting belief that I’m aware doesn’t serve me anymore.
It’s one thing to have self-awareness, it’s a completely different ballgame to change the script.
A habit and a default setting that I’ve used for 25+ years can’t just be erased with a couple of years of healing work. I need to be patient, consistent, and self-compassionate to move past this.
When I’m truly stuck in a rut, I seek out therapy.
Right now, I’m taking some risks and moving forward, so my body is desperately trying to sabotage my efforts to keep me safe.
It’s exhausting, it’ll be absolutely worth it for the much more comfortable comfort zone.
Depression
Depression itself is exhausting.
That’s why I’m diligent in my self-care work and routine — if I keep it up, I can preserve my energy. Building these new habits takes time though — too many feelings of joy, and my mind will head out to find a way to knock me off track sending me hurtling back into comfortable yet exhausting depression.
Depression feels like home, so it’s hard to leave when I arrive back here.
Making A Choice — Self-Care vs. Self-Sabotage
I know my pay-offs.
I know what I get from feeling depressed and stuck, so it helps me to identify when I’m genuinely feeling low, dealing with grief or an upsetting emotion, or if I’m doing something new and I’m scared. When I’m stuck and dealing with depression —
I ironically feel more seen and heard than if I’m happy and doing well
I feel safe. I feel like if I’m depressed, no one is going to come and try and ruin my life because I’m already there
I get to moan and talk about how unfair thing are, get validated and complimented
I can make an excuse as to why I’m not going to do the sales call I don’t want to make
I can openly be snippy and crabby and blame my depression
I can be passive-aggressive to let off steam, muttering about the asshole that didn’t hold the door open for me — because I can absolutely blame him for my terrible mood
I can blame everyone and everything
I can go and sabotage my healthy routine that I actually enjoy and then complain about that too
Basically I can fuel the addiction I have to feeling fucking miserable — even though it’s miserable.
My Self-Sabotage Kit
You see, I have a whole kit.
I’ve sabotaged relationships, my businesses, my financial standing, my happiness, my sleep, my health, my body. Ouch.
All because when I feel calm, at peace with myself, in love, proud of myself or excited I had learned that I was unsafe in these places.
So, I’m not saying depression isn’t real at all. It’s very real and very valid.
I just decided that I wanted to start using that immense wrecking ball power I possess, to build myself the life I truly deserve and want now that I am genuinely safe to be who I am — instead of continuing the emotional abuse by being my own abuser.
It’s taken rounds of therapy, aggressive self-study, coaching and accepting love and help from others, lots of it; I’m pleased to say that I’m doing really, really well.
The reason I felt compelled to write this, though, was in noticing that I chose depression this weekend; I chose it this Monday morning — I’m in the budding stages of a new business, fear wants to keep me stuck.
I’m writing this to tell you that I’m choosing again.
My Self-Love First Aid Kit
I allow myself to feel the depression, I don’t rush in to ‘fix myself.’
I’m not broken, I’m dealing with some tough emotions. Instead of rushing to change my mood, I instead, give myself some space and rip my to-do list back down to absolute needs-must only.
I tell myself that it’s ok. I’m checking in with myself.
What’s rising to the surface most? I feel a lot of feelings around missing my mum. I’m really nervous about putting my first sales posts in my new business which triggers my fear of rejection AND my fear of being seen — I’ll still do them but I’ll allow the feelings of discomfort and if I need to, I can cry.
I call or message a friend.
Sometimes I get into the habit of thinking my low feelings are a burden that shouldn’t be shared, that’s my fear talking — I message a friend and just say that I’m not feeling too great, someone I know that holds space for my emotions and also helps me to feel loved, seen and that I’ll be grand to take on the world again. I get better much quicker than if I keep it to myself
I soak up the world through my daughter's eyes.
I digital detox for a couple of hours each day on a walk in the woods or by the beach with my little girl. I get involved in whatever she’s exploring, filling up my cup with love and appreciation for all she is and enjoying the world as she sees it — basically highjacking her vibe, but in a good way. Getting in on enjoying simple pleasures — no one does this better than toddlers and dogs.
I journal.
I write or speak what I’m feeling. I’m a chronic overthinker at my worst — if I want to avoid this I can write out my feelings in a pad, on my computer or I can speak it out loud. Sometimes, at home I do talk to myself as if I am my own parent soothing me and it does help (even if it does sound a little crazy). I can calm myself down and validate myself; it’s one of the skills I’ve developed in the last year or two that I’m really proud of.
I nourish and move my body.
If I’m feeling blue self-sabotage mode can have me headed for the sweet treats and chips, even though I know I will feel super tired and probably not sleep as well if I do, I also stop exercising — telling myself that it’s a chore even though it’s actually one of my very favorite things to do.
I have a loose list of autopilot go-to’s (being a fitness professional of over 11 years helps) that I turn to when I’m depressed — easy things I do and eat/drink without much though that nourish me and elevate my mood but give space for my self-sabotage foods/movements — that way I tend not to go full-on destruct.
It’s not about trying to be perfect, it’s about trying to find space for positive change in a gentle and self-compassionate way.
Yoga, a short run, omelets and tuna-based meals are my go-to defaults that are effortless and easy to do when I really don’t want to.
Routine and Accountability
I have a routine for pretty much everything that allows me to go about my day to day life as effortlessly as is possible whilst being a single mum of a 2-year-old who runs a business (me, not Ruby).
It’s a framework, it’s fluid and it keeps me from all or nothing behavior.
I also have people who I tell my plans to that help me to stay accountable to what I say I’m going to do, to stop me from backing down when things get tough (friends and I have a business coach right now).
My Favourite Things
Lastly, I crack out my favorite things. I read books that make me feel good, I watch Down To Earth with Zac Effron, I get my favorite blanket and I give myself a tonne of love and credit for being such a badass.
Tomorrow will be another day, maybe even a great one.
I’ve launched a Facebook group where I’m sharing journal prompts, trainings and tips all on self-care, routine and confidence building for mums! Self Love + Confidence Collective For Mums
