iPad is the new mud? — let boys be boys

Khawaja Saud Masud
Sep 3, 2018 · 13 min read
Let the superhero shine

At a friend’s house a half a dozen men with families had gotten together. As we sat in the porch overlooking my friend’s beautiful farm house with both wild and developed land, the conversation somehow shifted from landscape to an end-of-civilization rant!

Stay with me now.

These rants typically start innocently with one person venting about how his teenage child doesn’t really respect him and five minutes later with some semi-solicited support from other bros, it all funnels into the only logical conclusion — Armageddon is near. Kind of dramatic but fair enough! Still well within bro code!

This time it went something like this:

Friend 1: Look at all this open land and mud and hills and look at our kids sitting inside, all huddled up in the WiFi router room with their iPads and iPhones and nobody is saying a word to anybody.

Friend 2: My son would freak out if his new Adidas sneakers get near mud! It pisses me off, frankly. Remember us? Running around, getting dirty, climbing trees? What’s wrong with these kids?

Friend 3: My friend, they crave iPads, not mud. They are soft and lazy. An iPad is just the symptom, the real issue is in today’s society boys are not boys anymore.

Friend 1: Its not just that boys are soft nowadays but also whats up with the tight jeans and effeminate behavior? My grandfather always used to say end of times is near when you can’t tell the difference between men and women.

Forget the end of times. I was still stuck on the abrupt violation of my well thought out universal law of happiness:

Boy + Mud = Bliss

Up till that point I believed less in gravity and more in the formula above. Mud could be shaped into castles, slid on, slipped on, fought in and thrown at friends and a few random strangers. But the best part was not being allowed to enter our homes till we first got ourselves water blasted out in the street. It was the epitome of party-time with natural testosterone as our drug of choice!

But, alas, here we were in year 2018, and all eight boys with their iPads couldn’t care less about my beloved mud.

I remember when…

As a kid, I recall crying at almost every social gathering for one reason or the other. Maybe I was digging worms out of mud piles and accidentally got pricked by a thorn or a shard of glass, maybe I tripped while running and bruised my knee, maybe I got into a fight because my ‘enemy’ challenged me in front the girl I had a crush on, maybe a seemingly friendly wrestling match turned into an awkward fight, maybe I fell off climbing a tree or a wall, maybe I got slapped by the gardener for running through his nursery, maybe I got my brand new Eid clothes dirty followed by an earful from my mom, maybe I was crying from laughing too hard! The point is, as a kid, I don’t ever recall sitting still in a room other than doing classwork or homework.

Here we were three decades later evaluating the state of affairs of the current generation of kids and especially boys. Over the next couple of hours we covered quite a bit of a ground both as fathers to sons and as men looking towards next generation of men. We asked:

  • Why are boys becoming so obsessed with their looks? They are spending as much money on beauty products and as much time getting ready as girls.
  • Why do movies, music videos or TV dramas show so many more effeminate men than before? Where are real men as cultural icons?
  • Why are schools becoming more focused on arts and crafts than sports? Its hurting boys especially, who need to express their energies through physical activities.
  • Why are mostly boys losing themselves in endless hours of video gaming? Are other avenues of male social engagement and entertainment closed?
  • Given skyrocketing divorce rates, who are the male figures in a boy’s life? If he is being primarily raised by a mother and taught by female teachers at school then where is the kid’s male compass?
  • Why do boys nowadays come across as hyper-sensitive and entitled? They get hurt or insulted too easily or they will shut themselves off from the world exhibiting nihilistic behavior.
  • Why are more and more boys losing motivation to go for higher education? Is it a growing lack of purpose? Is it fear of unemployment and a resulting fear of inadequacy? How will these boys compete for jobs in the knowledge economy backdrop?
  • Increasingly and ironically boys are becoming more polite and lonely. There is a fear of conflict avoidance resulting in smaller or no real group of close friends.

What is he?

A boy is just as unique as a girl

I was once a boy and I am blessed to have one. Frankly and generally speaking, we are a bit more scatterbrained than a girl of same age. We focus less on tasks-at-hand and daydream more about laser battles and Kung fu tricks. We have more nervous energy bundled up inside than a girl and have to run around or run into things hence making us more ‘dangerous.’ We are less interested in discussing feelings and more in making or breaking things. We are riveted to comic books and action heroes and have little to no interest in poetry. We like to get attention through displays of speed and strength while girls seek the same through caring and making things aesthetically pleasing. We may care far less about our hygiene and condition of our appearance and clothes than a girl. We find poop and fart jokes as epitome of comedic content. To test our place in the proverbial food chain, we may find comfort in rebellion than conformity. Given our relatively charged up existence, we may also come across as less articulate and thoughtful than a girl making us believe that IQ is the domain of women.

Like it or not, this is nature and it is universal unlike my disproven theory of happiness (downgraded from law after the no-mud incident!). Boys are different from girls and we need to be mindful in raising boys differently than girls even if they are under the same roof.

What is expected of him?

Relentless pressure on boys to conform

Despite the obvious differences between boys and girls, boys are being gradually tamed to fit a certain acceptable mould. They are told more and more to tone down their masculinity, and to be less ‘dangerous.’ I often hear parents with both sons and daughters saying how they hope their boy starts acting more responsibly like his elder sister. As a start, the assumption that a younger boy should emulate an older girl is absurd given all the natural differences.

Teachers often send boys on guilt trips for not being as attentive, intelligent and ‘put-together’ as the girls in the class. Christina Hoff Sommers, a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute wrote an article in which she states, “being a boy can be a serious liability in today's classroom” and that according to psychologist Michael Thompson, “boys are treated like defective girls.”

I have also heard of several classroom incidences where boys are told to show respect to girls risking their own humiliation. For instance, I remember a father complaining about how his son was told to stand in front of the class and ‘ask for forgiveness’ from a girl in his class after he was caught drawing faces on her school bag. I specifically asked the father, did his son say sorry or actually asked to be forgiven? It turned out to be the latter. There is a difference between being respectful and being subservient.

I have also noticed that boys growing up around mostly women tend to be quieter and more reserved. They sort of ‘manage down’ their masculinity since growing up natural outlets in the home are far and few. This is not the fault of the women or household in general but perhaps an expected outcome.

During certain sporting events I have often heard parents and coaches emphasize that showing up is everything and it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. Too much of casual competitiveness becomes counterproductive in my opinion. I have seen many boys just phoning-it-in in races or games and matches as if they were required to check the participation box. They lacked the zeal and aggression to compete, to strategize, to push their mind and body, and throw themselves into the discomfort zone, if you will. Performing for the sake of performing is an underwhelmingly low bar, which we as a society should not be promoting.

Let them loose?

In no way am I suggesting boys need to act like uninhibited Neanderthals and unaccountable, out-of-control testosterone trippers ravaging everything in their path. Toxic masculinity and the way it is sometimes portrayed in society can lead to some boys living up to certain expectations of hyper-manliness or engaging in violent behavior. So clearly no! Don’t let anyone loose just yet.

Nature has already developed a balance between male and female qualities with the former being more aggressive and the later more compassionate. Nurturing both simultaneously is essential for a healthy mindset and parents need to engage in conscious parenting in stead of reactive parenting that may lead to compromising identity foundations. In my view raising boys means we accept the male traits and proactively foster them so that civilized or cultured doesn’t become mutually exclusive to masculinity.

Stop with these…

While child development is not my technical forte, I am a father who has spent more than a decade raising a boy under various conditions, both extreme and normal. I think in making any change its best to first cut back on things before making any additions. My seven suggestions to parents would be the following:

  • Stop comparing your boy to your daughter. Even if it comes from a good place, its going to a not-so-good place in the boy’s mind.
  • Stop over protecting your son and let him face bullies earlier on. Stand beside him and not in front.
  • Stop babying him over every little elbow scratch or minor fever or tooth ache. Administer medical attention where needed but don’t overplay the care. I see too many parents overreacting to everyday health matters as if it is a matter of life and death.
  • Stop staying silent when your son makes an excuse not to engage in any physical or outdoor activities. Too many fathers throw in the towel when kids initially appear non-responsive to a different activity, whether it is hiking or family picnic or washing the car. He will thank you later!
  • Stop staying silent when you don’t approve of certain behavior whether it is the way your son talks, dresses, the company he keeps, the music he listens to, the video games he plays, the people he idolizes, and the thoughts and ideas he shares publically. Walking on egg shells is not a luxury afforded to parents.
  • Stop providing latest phones and video games as an excuse to make up for your lack of active involvement in the boy’s upbringing. No inanimate thing will ever make up for a live and involved parent — its apples and oranges.
  • Stop putting up with endless back-and-forth debates and disrespectful interactions. If your son needs to be disciplined, then do exactly that and then. Ground him and let him earn his freedom back with clear objectives and actions required on his part. Sounds a tad militaristic? Be the general to his soldier. Its your fault he doesn’t understand where the fine line is between standing up for himself and being disrespectful and entitled.

Right of passage

Boyhood is a fascinating discovery

Two years back my son was just ramping up on his swimming. I was in the 50 meter pool while he was playing “shark-shark” in the deep diving pool to my right. He was 8 years old and unsure of himself surrounded by kids two to three times his age and size. He didn't have many friends in the pool since we had just recently joined. At least a dozen kids were playing this high intensity dive-and-catch game in the water till as expected a fight broke out. This was nothing new. Boys fight. Boys shake hands and become friends again. However, when I looked over I saw this other kid cursing at my son and then pushing him into the water by sneaking up on him. My son came up for air and was almost in tears. He then got out of the pool to the loud laughs of the bully’s insults.

My instinct was to get out of the water and slap this kid silly but I held back. I had my eyes locked in on my son as I stood patiently in my lane. The bully repeated this curse-and-push cycle one more time. This time as my son came up for air he looked angry and distraught. He then made eye contact with me and as kids do when they see their parents, my son started crying for sympathy and comfort. The lifeguard, who was rather ineffective in his dealing with kids all along, immediately intervened and said, “I’ll complain to this boy’s mother that her son is being rude and obnoxious.”

I stayed in my pool and ignoring the life guard for a second, affirmingly told my son, “if you come out of the water crying, believe me you will have to deal with me instead of the bully!”

My son received the message loud and clear. He then proceeded to fight back instead of running to me. A few verbal rallies later, my son twisted the bully’s arm and threw him in the water this time. Everyone apparently went quiet for a few seconds of disbelief as no one expected my chubby and baby-faced boy to take on the ripped and loud-mouthed alpha kid at the pool. My son immediately lost his fear and feelings of despair and openly warned this kid not to pick on him again, even though his voice was cracking. This message was loud and clear to all others as well. I just smiled and ‘bro-bumped’ my son 20 minutes later as we were leaving the pool.

It has been almost three years since and to this date my son remembers how he stood up to someone bigger and badder despite his anti-confrontational lean and docile nature. My son is naughty and funny but hates any kind of physical conflict. However, this one event unleashed immense self-confidence in him. He needed this!

Channel testosterone wisely

Finding healthy outlets requires parent’s commitment

Life can be unexpectedly rough around the edges sometimes and especially boys need to be well-prepared to take on conflict and learn to conduct conflict resolution in an effective manner. By telling my son to ignore the bully I would have done more harm than good. Exhibiting compassion and softness is situation-dependent like anything else but there are times when the positive traits of masculinity need to be encouraged for balance to prevail.

A year later, as my son competed for the top spot in the swimming gala, the same bully was shoulder to shoulder with him. My son lost by half a second but won even a bigger prize in my opinion. The bully came over and shook his hand and genuinely wanted to be my son’s friend. He saw someone who didn't back down from a fight or a race and that was what won him over. Several other kids also followed suit and my boy felt like a action movie hero in that moment.

Here is another not-so-breaking news — bullying is not just physical but also subtly verbal. My son was caught in the crossfire when one new acquaintance, a 12-year old kid, at his birthday started every sentence with’ “seriously, you don’t know this?” After five of these I noticed my 10-year old then, going silent and visibly upset. I asked him repeatedly but he couldn’t express his problem till he just blurted out that this kid made him feel like a ‘moron.’ All the other kids were in awe of his knowledge and didn't say anything to him for fear of being attacked and made to look stupid. This kid had apparently read over three hundred books including the Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings series, and in comparison my son was big into Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Captain Underpants comics.

How do you tackle such a situation? How do you channel the testosterone purposefully? I could see my son frustrated and embarrassed and wanting to level the playing field by challenging this ‘nerdy-pants’ as he would say, to a swimming race or tennis match or arm wrestling competition. None were feasible options. Instead, I casually took him to the bookstore where we walked around for at least two hours. I was surprised at how much my son enjoyed going through all the collections of fiction, adventure and sci-fi themes. After purchasing three books, we went home and started a reading schedule including daily bed-time reading. Two months since then, my son had read almost a dozen books and is now hooked to reading. He still enjoys comics but accidentally discovered his new passion for adventure story telling and reading ‘words’ instead of just watching goofy pictures, not that there is anything wrong with it either. This may not have happened had ‘nerdy pants’ not showed up.

Look, there is no justification for bullying of any kind but the world is real and has real problems happening to real people in real time. Boys need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable leveraging their DNA, testosterone and natural tendencies. Turn on the aggression where need be and channel it appropriately. Turn on the compassion where need be and express it purposefully. We need to provide our boys with more opportunities to put their nature to test rather than rest. We need to replace iPad with mud again or at least lets compromise on a healthy co-existence of silicon and wet earth.

The male energy takes on more risk, which if focused properly can help achieve greater progress in society. We should encourage this energy and boys to be boys but productive ones at that. They will be marrying our daughters one day. Balanced societies don’t require forced homogeneity but a healthy compliment of traits.

Khawaja Saud Masud

Written by

Management consultant

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