Is There a Dark Side of Positive Vibes?
5 outcomes of toxic positivity that can impact your mental health
Are you one of those who think that positivity can take you through any upheaval in life? Are you a strong believer and proponent of a positive mindset and always look at providing positive strokes to people around you irrespective of their situation?
Well, I am not saying you are wrong, but it's time you may want to sit back and reflect if your positivity is always having the required impact on people with whom you interact. While you may be filled with positive energy, are your words giving the required impetus to the recipient?
But you may think, what can go wrong with being positive…it can never harm. I thought so, too, till I came across a term called “Toxic Positivity.” To me, this term is an oxymoron and made me curious enough to research more.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity forces a person to avoid negative thinking or expressing negative emotions in situations that can be extremely painful, both emotionally and physically.
This approach tried to impose positive thinking as the only solution to problems regardless of their challenges, thus suppressing their feelings and need for support.
This definition made me think about so many instances when I tried to console someone with statements that could have been potentially toxic for that person at that instance while I was trying to bring in shades of positivity.
Some instances of toxic positivity can be:
- Asserting immediately after a catastrophe or a loss of a loved one that “everything happens for a reason.”
- Urging someone to focus on the positive aspects of a devastating loss.
- Urging people to thrive no matter what adversity they face, something many of us would have practised during the pandemic unknowingly.
- Brushing off someone’s concerns by saying, “it could be worse.”
How Toxic Positivity Affects Mental Health
Why is it important to distinguish between positivity and toxic positivity? This is because the latter can have a long-term impact on a person’s mental health.
Humans by nature are built to experience a variety of emotions which may vary from positive to negative. We need to learn to deal with such emotions rather than deny or suppress these emotions. Denial of these under social pressure may lead to more stress on our body and mind as we are not genuine to our feelings.
More than often, people are ignorant of the fact that their positivity may be toxic to the recipient and hence continue to practice it without changing course. However, the person receiving these vibes develops certain fears which may be detrimental to their mind.
#1. Fear of sharing.
A person may hesitate to share their personal challenges with you if they feel that you will not be able to relate to what they are going through. This is because you are always ready to give any issue a positive spin hence ignoring their feelings.
E.g., so many times, my teenage daughters share their fears with me, whether it's related to project stress or some issue with friends. I am tempted to give my standard statement of don’t worry, things will be fine, but that's not what they want to hear. They probably want me to acknowledge that it is hard for them, and I am there for them.
#2. Fear of seeking support.
This person may feel hesitant to seek your support because if they do, they will seem weak and labelled as someone unable to manage stress in their lives. They may feel isolated or ashamed of their feelings and hence feel pressured to smile in the face of adversity.
E.g., while counselling my subordinates at work, if I use the statement “I did it, so can you too”, it may seem that I cannot understand their issues.
However, if I can empathise and let them know that I understand that everyone has a different approach to life, it makes them more comfortable and open to seeking support.
#3. Fear of losing people.
So many times, people continue to stay in an abusive relationship with a false sense of optimism. This toxic positivity leads them to believe that things may improve, which may actually not, and a reality check is needed to bring them out of this whirlpool of emotions.
This is also true with your friends. You don't want to lose out on their friendships or company hence continue to live with false optimism that they project and fear sharing your apprehensions with them.
#4 Fear of grieving.
For me, the most uncomfortable situation is when I have to give condolences. How can you measure someone’s loss, and what do you say to someone during these times. Because what you say may have an impact on the person grieving.
Grief and sadness are normal in the face of loss. But if a person repeatedly hears messages to move on or be happy, might feel as though others do not care about their loss.
Hence some of these positive statements may sound very toxic during these times.
#5. Fear of discouragement.
This one is especially from the parent’s perspective. So many times, we hesitate to share the correct honest feedback with our children because we fear that they may not take it well or get discouraged. Toxic positivity, in this case, may actually put your child on the wrong path, and sometimes it's ok to call a spade a spade.
Main Takeaway
So are we saying it is ok not to be ok sometimes? Do we let our emotions flow in the direction they want, or is it better to suffer in silence and put on a brave, positive front?
In the words of Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life):
Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame.
Sometimes we should let our mind go through the entire rigmarole of emotions to accept and face our reality. Because if I keep on denying what I am feeling, how will I work on moving the needle to the other side?
