How I Learned to Stop Internalizing Everything
I used to blame myself for everything, even when I shouldn’t.
Blame is a tricky little thing. Sometimes we take it when it isn’t ours, or we accept it when we don’t deserve it, no questions asked.
Every time there’s a problem, I find a way to identify the one moment in time when I could have made all the difference, and than I blame myself. Even in situations where there are multiple people who could take the “blame”, where anyone could have stepped up and prevented a disaster, I find a way to feel entirely responsible.
And. I. Feel. Like. Shit.
I get to the point of having chest and stomach pains, and I feel nauseous and even throw up. And then at night, I can’t sleep.
Because I internalize everything.
Having these kinds of reactions to everyday problems often makes me feel like I’m weak and inadequate.
However, everything I’ve been through in recent years, I’ve been learning how to stick up for myself.
I’ve been in the process of learning that I have value. More than I believed I had. I’m smarter and more competent than I allowed myself to admit. People are actually lucky to have me and my talents in their lives, working for their benefit.
Working with a therapist has also helped me identify that, at some point in my childhood, I understood I was responsible for the happiness and satisfaction of everyone around me. If someone was unhappy, then I must have done something wrong.
To make everyone around me happy, I would step up and take all the blame so that they wouldn’t have to. So that they would be spared from feeling as miserable as I did whenever there was a problem.
Those childhood beliefs became more internalized as I grew up, to the point where I wouldn’t allow myself to make the tiniest mistake. Everything that went slightly wrong felt like the end of the world to me.
Of course, we’re supposed to feel bad for our mistakes, but there’s a level of proportionality to be observed.
Now, whenever I make a mistake, or whenever something goes wrong in a group project involving multiple people (not just me) who are all equally responsible, I stop and think of a feel points:
1. The world will still be here tomorrow
Nothing is the end of the world but the end of the world itself.
Death is the only thing that can’t be fixed.
Those thoughts may sound a little morbid, but they do calm me down. Whatever the mistake, whatever the problem, as long as no one has died, it can be worked around. The world will still be here tomorrow.
It was still here the day after I decided to divorce my husband and start over. It was still here after every single problem I ever had at work, and it will still be here tomorrow.
2. What exactly did I do wrong, and how I can apologize and fix it?
Separating what I did wrong from what was not my responsibility, and from what I couldn’t possibly have predicted is a tough task, but one that I have fortunately been getting a lot better at.
It’s not about shifting the blame or pointing fingers. It’s about trying to look at a situation from an outsider’s perspective, as if I’m doing an impartial audit of what happened, so I can understand what’s what. It’s hard, because when things go wrong emotions run high, so I find it useful to calm myself down first. Maybe go home, take the night off to cleanse my mind, and don’t even think about it until the next day.
Where I find I screwed up, I apologize. Where I find something I can fix, I do my best to fix it. And I try to learn from all of it.
3. Take 5 minutes before asking: is there anything I can do?
I don’t always have the luxury of taking a day to think everything over before having to come up with a possible solution. Emergencies happen.
Even in the thick of it, as adrenaline is pumping in my veins, I try to take a breath and think. I try to take 5 minutes. I don’t work at the ER, NO ONE is going to die if I take 5 minutes.
My decisions after just 5 minutes of reflection are always better than my immediate instinctive reaction. My immediate instinctive reaction is usually to try to make everyone around me happy, but an effective solution doesn’t always mean everyone will be happy. I need time to reconcile with the fact that someone other than me is going to be disappointed.
4. Decide not to take it home with me. And stick to it
These days I make a conscious effort to leave work behind as when I’m done working.
When working in an office, I used to take everything home with me, obsessing about every detail of what had happened during the day — especially the problems and mistakes. I can’t say I’ve completely gotten rid of the habit, I call it a conscious effort for a reason, but I don’t lose sleep at night like I used to.
I go out for a run, go to the gym or do some yoga. When I’m not exercising, I grab a book.
I cleanse my mind from the day. Otherwise, what seems like harmless reflection at first glance quickly turns into obsessive thinking that drains my mental health.
All of these little changes in attitude help me deal better with work problems, and not stress so much.
I haven’t suddenly become the Dalai Lama or Master Yoda, but I do feel a lot calmer about everything and I internalize a lot less.
And consequently, I’ve been allowing myself to learn from my mistakes rather than simply burying myself in guilt.
That’s what I call making progress.
