Let’s Take Back the Definition of Connectivity from Our Phones and Give It to Our Kids

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

Our children are begging us to notice them. Are we too busy staring at our cellphone, or focusing elsewhere, that we don’t notice our children doing everything they can to get our attention?

Have you ever heard a frustrated parent tell a child, “leave me alone!”? I would venture to say that most of us could relate to said parent. The problem is, some children will do just that, they’ll leave you alone. If unable to get your attention too often, they will give up. You may find yourself looking up one day and suddenly that young child who was begging for your attention is a teenager; a teenager who has no time for you and wants to be left alone. Let’s face it, adults aren’t the only ones who can get lost in technology. And, there are other things that can get lost in technology.

Relationships v. Technology

My husband and I were eating lunch at one of our favorite restaurants when some friends walked in with their children. The husband was talking on his cellphone, while his wife was looking down at hers. Their teenage daughter and her friend were also glued to their cellphones. We waved to them, but their 7-year-old daughter was the only one that noticed. After trying to get them to notice us, she sheepishly waved.

She kept asking for someone to play some of the games on her kid’s menu. She was able to get her Dad’s attention long enough for him to say he would “play with her in a minute.” She worked diligently coloring her entire menu and tried to show everyone at the table. She then got up and walked over to show us. After returning to their table, she tried once again to tell her parents that we were there. She gave up and started focusing on us, making silly faces, waving… whatever she could just to keep our attention.

At one point, the two teenagers were laughing as they were looking at a phone. Noticing her sister’s phone sitting on the table, the little girl grabbed it. She was then content as she too had something to occupy her time. A while later, we heard her crying. It seems that her big sister realized she had her phone and snatched it out of her hands. Her mother began fussing at her… told her she was rude to take her sister’s phone without asking and then said, “you know I don’t want you glued to the phone, watching those silly videos!”

On our way out, we walked over to say hello. Everyone except the little girl was surprised to see us. She announced that she had tried to tell them we were there. While the four adults were talking, she kept trying to chime in. Finally, her mom handed her a cell phone and told her to, “stop being rude. Here, watch some videos so the adults can talk.”

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon occurrence. Just look around the next time you are in a restaurant or other public place. The disconnections due to connectivity are rampant.

Parenting and Careers are Both Full-Time Jobs

I recently visited my son and his young family. He and his wife have two children. Our granddaughter is 8-years-old and our grandson is 8 months old. Both our son and his wife have full-time jobs. As you can imagine, adding an infant into the mix has been challenging. Although she loves her baby brother, our granddaughter is vying for their attention. One of their concerns is how to limit her time on her tablet or a cellphone. Not unlike many parents today, they have allowed her to watch videos or play games so they can take care of the baby, or sometimes, just so they can have an adult discussion without interruption. It has gotten to the point that if they happen to leave one of their cellphones unattended and she is bored, she will sit and watch videos. This is an all too common event in many homes.

In today’s world of technology, working full-time and being a parent can be extremely demanding. And, as great as technology is, in many ways, it has made some jobs even more stressful. Many employers expect to be able to reach their employees, in one form or another, at any time, and cell phones allow them to do just that. The days of “leaving it at the office” are over for the majority of people and families. Having to be at someone’s “beck and call” and coming home to a young child or a houseful of children wanting your attention has become the norm for most parents these days.

Children Are Not Being Taught to Live in the Moment

In 2014, Dr. Jenny Radesky, was a mother of two small children while doing her fellowship in developmental behavioral pediatrics at Boston Medical Center. She did a small pilot study in fast-food restaurants that included watching 55 caregivers, usually a parent, as they ate and interacted with one or more children. The children consisted of infants to 10-year-olds. They found that 80% of those parents observed used a mobile device during the meal, and approximately 30% used one throughout the meal. Unfortunately, we are modeling harmful behavior. Young children’s brains are being wired to not be in the moment.

Appreciate the Value of Play for Children

Children are also missing out on the value of play. Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt noted in her recent article, Children’s Anxiety and Electronics: How much of a Problem are We Creating?, that when her child had friends over, to her surprise, some brought their cell phones for entertainment. Kids are spending too much time with electronics, and not enough time just playing. They need time to play, not only for the benefit of exercise, but also to be able to use their imagination and be creative.

In his YouTube video, “Look Up,” Gary Turk talks about the difference in children today as compared to when he was a child. His childhood sounds a lot like mine. Kids were outside playing all day. In many cities throughout the country today, parks are empty; it is rare to see children outside playing in neighborhoods. He states that, “we’re surrounded by children, who since they were born, have watched us living like robots and think it’s the norm.”

Your Children Crave and NEED Face-to-Face Interactions with YOU

Children are lacking the face-to-face interactions with their parents that they crave and need. They need these face-to face interactions to form vitally important bonds with their parents. Gedeon Deák is a professor in the department of cognitive science at the University of California, San Diego, who studies human development and parent-child interaction. He acknowledges, that although children don’t need constant face-to-face interactions, there is concern over how children are affected by too many interrupted interactions with their parents. He wonders how much distraction, due to parents being interrupted by their devices, affects the development of “subtler skills in children, such as empathy and ability to read the vocal, eye and facial cues of others.”

HOW CAN WE MAKE A CHANGE?

Photo by Rustic Vegan on Unsplash

Perhaps some of these suggestions are fairly obvious to you, or perhaps they seem too simplistic. Nevertheless, I think they are important and worth reviewing.

• Realize how often you use your cellphone and other technology around your children. Fortunately, there are apps that can help you limit your cell phone usage. Offtime is an app that will block apps such as Facebook, or games that can distract you. It also lets you know how much time you actually spend using your cellphone. Apps like this can allow you access to things you need, but keep you from being distracted by things you don’t need. There is also an app called Thrive, created by Arianna Huffington. Among other things, it will send a text message to anyone trying to reach you letting them know you cannot be reached at the moment. In my opinion, the most important message is the one you are sending to your family… THEY MATTER MORE!
• Don’t use cell phones, tablets or other types of technology as an emotional pacifier or distraction for your children.
• Put the cellphone down! Set examples by role modeling how to disconnect from technology and to soak up the moment.
• Make it a priority to eat meals together as a family. Research has proven for years that sitting down as a family and eating meals together is beneficial to children. Making it a priority to do so will open up the lines of communication between parents and children. Parents who regularly sit down and eat meals with their children, without distraction, can expect their children to avoid drugs and alcohol. Their children are less likely to get pregnant as teenagers. Contrarily, children who see their parents glued to their phones at the dinner table can feel neglected and not worthy of their time. They can also become insecure.
• Keep family meals, social gatherings and children’s bedrooms technology free.
• Realize the importance of play for children. Make it a daily priority for your children (especially very young children) to have daily playtime, unplugged from any type of technology.
• Take advantage of time traveling to and from games and other events. Turn off all technology and use these times to talk. My husband and I have had so many fun, deep, enlightening conversations with our teenage children during the many car rides we had to and from basketball games. We found out a lot of things about each other on these trips.
• Take an interest in your children’s interests. Be open to learning about video games, music, books and other things your children are interested. And, introduce them to things you are interested in… you may be pleasantly surprised that you have some similar likes/dislikes. You also may find out that you actually like some of the music they like, but never would have listened to if they hadn’t introduced you to it. Better yet, your children may realize that your taste in music isn’t bad either.

For those times you are out with children, here are a few suggestions:

• Take small travel size games to play with your children.
• I recently purchased some products from Jaq Jaq Bird for my granddaughter that she loves. They make chalk mats that can be rolled up and taken anywhere, as well as small chalk books. Their chalk is no dust, no stains and no mess. These products are perfect to talk along when going out with young children.
• When possible, choose restaurants with outdoor seating that allows for children to get up and play.

Appreciate the Little Things… They May Just End up Being Big Things

In his video, Gary Turk stresses that nothing is worse than the regret you may have some day when you look back and realize the many chances you missed to connect with your children. He tells us to “look up from your phone. Shut down the display. Take in your surroundings. Make the most of today!” We have a sign hanging up in our family room surrounded by over 50 pictures of our family. It says, “Enjoy the little things in life. For one day you will look back and realize they were the big things.” Live in the moment!