Negativity’s Net-benefits
Positive lessons from negative people
Almost monthly, I field new and recurring complains from my students about a certain person’s toxicity (a boss, a friend, a relative, a business partner) causing them some type of mental paralysis, social anxiety or emotional pain. Nearly every time the complainants’ self-diagnosis is to ‘immediately cut toxic people out of their lives.’ Yet, I am not at all surprised at the high failure rate of this approach — simply because it is not very practical advice.
In surveying hundreds of students and professionals over the last few years, I discovered, the average person faced at least 1 out of 10 people in their lives whom they would qualify as a clear negative influence, although the level of negativity may vary significantly including some situations necessitating professional help. My own life experience would concur with this ratio. We can’t be too naive to discount the negative tendencies we all possess including self-sabotage and outright denial of our responsibilities fueling further chaos in our lives. But lets stick with this 10% statistic for now, which reflects a key external source of toxic influence in our lives.
Negativity Is Everywhere
We quickly cut people out of our lives, change jobs, relocate and still find more of the same elsewhere, the 10% ratio changing moderately but never down to zero. Real world exposes us to negativity frequently and bubbles are not practical places to live!
This got me thinking. There must be some purpose, some utility to all this negativity, right? Is there a paradox to be unearthed? What is life trying to teach us? Are we actively listening or too busy just venting and engaging in reactionary complaining? How can we interpret and extract life lessons to our benefit even from people that hurt us, subtly and flagrantly, deliberately and inadvertently?
In my attempt to decode the mystery of negativity’s net-benefits, I dug into several real life examples and gathered the following overarching observations:
- First, I discovered that behind every smile or a frown is real story, a human one and some with medical conditions that we may be too quick to judge without relevant knowledge. In other words, when you begin to deal with toxic people in earnest, you genuinely develop a level of empathy and that's not a bad start.
- Second, every person uttering or typing a negative comment is not hateful, maybe they are rough around the edges in how they communicate but the content, ex the tone, of what they say may be of value and based in helpful facts. So we should perhaps learn to create separation between the messenger and the message.
- I also realized that no mean supervisor, online troll or manipulative friend can violate our mental and emotional space till we subconsciously opened the door for them. We are the gatekeepers of our joy and happiness — the choice is ours.
- Finally, I concluded that some toxic people have the ability to make or break some of us. Depending upon our mindset, we can either allow them to be our overlords or our teachers — the choice is still ours.
Before I go any further into the types of toxic individuals, let me be crystal clear. I by no means advocate deliberately putting yourself through the misery grinder of dealing with negative souls just to go life-lesson hunting. You should love yourself far too much to undertake a counterproductive masochist exercise just for kicks.
There are limits to everything and in certain cases its best to just walk away from these people for good, who refuse to either get the message, understand the message or do something with the message. These people may never get it or they may simply decide in their heads that your physical presence and availability speaks louder than the discomfort you may be communicating.
The point is, barring certain outliers, live pragmatically and make the most of a recurring situation than letting it hold you a life-long captive — distance yourself from the person, not the lesson.
The Type, The Benefit
Based on the frequency of complains I hear, I have narrowed down to only 5 types of toxic people and summarized them using the following framework (lets call it CAAB — Complain, Analysis, Approach and Benefit).
1. The Intimidator
Complain — “As long as I can remember, my friend he has been a bully of sorts and to this date I can’t properly deal with his aggression. I am getting too old to be always semi-scared of another man. How do I deal with or break free from this now adult bully?”
Analysis — Bullies often suffer from avoidance of their inadequacies, low self-esteem or need for attention. Some also bully because that’s what they see in their homes and others may bully to fend off other bullies. The point is, it is not your problem why someone bullies. It is their issue. People who are agreeable and available tend to get bullied more. It is likely you are being picked on because you have somehow unintentionally allowed it.
Approach — Never deal with the bully, the person, but with the issue at hand. Keep your nerves under control and zone in on the point this person is trying to make. You need to gradually take control of the conversation knowing very well there maybe flareups and defensive posturing. Hold your ground with smiles and laugh-alongs. If there is outright screaming and yelling by the Intimidator, give a pause and ask him if he would be willing to discuss this at another more suitable time. Your calmness takes them out at their knees since their aggression’s diet is the victim’s fear — starve them of your fear!
Benefit — You will reap massive courage points helping you build real confidence and credibility with yourself. You will also learn to stay cool under pressure dealing only with the isolated issue and not the person. Over time you will learn not be intimidated by anyone or anything and that strength and freedom of mind is priceless.
2. The Critic
Complain — “My boss is a vile person. He is constantly finding faults in my work and telecasting it across the company. At times he has even made stuff up and blamed me for it. Should I complain to HR?”
Analysis — Those who constantly find fault in others may be addicted to the ego high of looking down on others or they may be masking their own insecurities or jealousies. You will never be good enough at anything through their lens. I have seen this happen in my professional life, where everything and anything I did to impress my manager, only brought on more nitpicking and humiliation instead of support.
Approach — Be factual and timely, in other words, be well-prepared. I always felt like walking on egg shells around this manager, waiting for another criticism tirade to ensue, but I did something smart and rather bold at the time. Instead of going to HR and waste time and energy in escalations and justifications of ‘manager’s style’ I asked one of the manager’s peer in private on how to improve my situation.
My approach with the peer was respectfully curious and positive — instead of venting about his friend I was seeking constructive solutions that would in turn create a win-win. He was highly sympathetic to my situation, especially as I was a recent hire, and told me to develop laser focus around my manager. His guidance was to become so good that my manager would stop risking his open criticism at first and private criticism later on. Challenge the Critic’s ego with your competence, though depending on the environment, there is still no guarantee the Critic would back off entirely.
The advice worked in my case. I was more conscientious at work and that toned down my manager’s criticism significantly.
Benefit — You will build your skill and capacity at an accelerated rate and most likely run into another problem of fueling the Critic’s insecurities. That’s OK! You will sooner than later outgrow your place in the corporate hierarchy and likely not report to him. In dealing with the Critic effectively you may enhance diligence and dedication qualities, which in turn may catalyze your career.
3. The Manipulator
Complain — “My aunt is ruthlessly manipulative. She always twists my words, seeding serious misunderstandings between family members. This has happened at least once every year for the last five years. I have confronted her many times but there is always something new. How do I deal with a family member who you can’t fire or easily walk away from?”
Analysis — Manipulators are fond of playing the game of trading social capital and taking advantage of people not in control of their communication. They love taking control of some one else’s narrative. Not everything you experience in life has to be telegraphed to everyone in its entirety. Manipulators leverage gossip and ‘mishearing’ to put you in a compromising spot in your personal and work life.
They may even come across as closer to you than your closest family member, may express more pain for you than you feel for yourself and at the same time, in a moment of your vulnerability, feed you to the dogs! They are masters of social timing and pulling emotional triggers. They may show tremendous remorse for their ‘inadvertent’ actions and then turn around and hit you with a left and right hook all over again.
The classic ‘hot-and-cold’ treatment is also quite common with this type of individual always keeping you off balance in your thinking and trusting, keeping you malleable for their agendas.
Approach — This is one shoulder you don’t need to cry on. Don’t open up to these people at a drop of a hat. Build your identity in a more crisp way and protect it at all costs! The world should know through your interactions who you are and who you are not. Let the world earn your trust over time. The more information you share with the Manipulator unnecessarily, the more variations of your identity may be floated around in an attempt to compromise you.
Communicate at a superficial level, sticking to less-is-more mantra, but always in a pleasant way. A frown or an angry tone is also communication- learn from politicians and highly diplomatic public figures. They know the art of surviving in a sea of manipulation, 24/7.
Benefit — You will learn to classify your information as privileged for only a select few who you deem genuine and trustworthy. Setting a higher, more selective standard for your social engagements will let everyone know they need to be respectful and not attempt to turn your life into a circus because they are bored on Tuesday! In addition to helping you know who you are or want to be, interacting with Manipulators will teach you both communication control and self-respect. Most of us say too much and respect ourselves too little.
4. The Downer
Complain — “My teacher keeps reminding me I should not try to start a business as I would only be wasting my parent’s savings. He told me less than 5% of businesses actually succeed. I try to get excited about starting a small business but it is really hard to ignore this one negative voice — what to do? ”
Analysis — These type of people will do their best to hold everyone back from their potential. Mediocrity and status quo is the name of the game. It’s their safe space. Anyone wanting more out of life or challenging himself for bigger and better runs the risk of exposing the Downer’s underwhelming existence, at least in their mind. They will do whatever it takes to talk people out of their dreams.
Approach — Use them as primary research sources and for motivation. Through them find out all the devil’s-advocate rationales to NOT do what you want to do. Dig deeper on each point and be exhaustive in your assessment. Instead of dismissing them right away, engage them and ask question after question. You will find out within two or three interactions if this person can add real value to your life in some way or is just projecting his fears and inabilities on to you.
Also write down on a piece of paper what the Downer thinks you can’t or won’t accomplish and put it up on a wall somewhere you can easily see on a daily basis. Prove him wrong! Every hero needs a villain.
Benefit — By you mindfully engaging a Downer, either you will learn from him or he will be outed as a wet-blanket, in which case the naysayer may likely stop with the unhelpful advice. A reluctantly helpful Downer may even assist you with deep opportunity analysis and identifying landmines in your business plan or career roadmap.
I have also noticed, if proven wrong, sometimes a Downer, in his face-saving effort, may both openly admit he was wrong about you and then go the extra step to help promote your success. There is an interesting element of embarrassment and inspiration all mixed together. Winning them over makes great motivational stories.
5. The One-Upper
Complain — “My friend has a bad habit of always one-upping me if I have a problem in life including health issues. I once shared with her I may be pre-diabetic based on the latest doctor’s visit and before I could even finish my sentence, she told me she had Type 2 diabetes! I later found out from her mother that was a lie. How do you deal with someone so absurdly competitive?”
Analysis — You are dealing with someone who can’t get enough from competing on everything from grades to salaries to yes, even diseases! They can’t help but win at all costs, whether they be good or bad wins! These people will remind you that your problems are nothing compared to theirs and that they should be the center of every talking point and every sympathetic discourse. They feel unnerved if the spotlight shifts to someone else. You can see it in their nervous body language and rushed actions to move the conversation back to their issues.
There are clear narcissistic tendencies at play, though I suppose all of us are a bit narcissistic at some level. Some people have outright personality disorders, medical treatments of which should be sought.
Approach — Be clear and crafty in your dealings. Keep conversations neutral, to-the-point and don’t try to go head-to-head, you won’t win any arguments and that's not the point anyways. In other situations, if you find you can build a better relationship by momentarily indulging the One-Upper in some small glory, do so, but rope the conversation back into where you need it to go — forward.
Use humor to remind them of their intense desire to compete on everything but try not to venture into insult territory. The One-Upper should know you are not a uni-directional mic and that as a fellow human being your time and presence should be respected as much as theirs.
Benefit — Knowing how to be well-calibrated in complex engagements is important in managing most situations in life. A tug-of-war, a little give and take, blended in with humor, acknowledgement of the other and staying on point, can help progress most conversations including deal-making.
In addition to standing up for yourself, you may also learn how to prioritize your conversation points effectively with someone who can hijack the discussion and who may struggle with staying focused on your agenda.
We humans are fascinating and there are clearly nuances to the types above, described in fairly broad buckets. I need to make it clear that I am only sharing advice based on direct life experience including mentoring and the fact I am not a psychiatrist or clinician, readers should solicit professional help as needed.
I think the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu sums up my thoughts nicely:
Respond intelligently to unintelligent treatment.
