Overcoming the Effects of an Abusive Childhood
An abusive childhood is a wound that can’t be healed by time. There were times where I wished to just stash away all the bad memories and move on with life. Alas! It is not that easy :/
Most of us cope with an abusive childhood by taking on lots of responsibility and putting up a competent front for others. However, deep within us, the scars still linger, taunting us every day.
For the most part of my life, I had difficulty maintaining positive self-esteem, forming friendship bonds, and even reservations about trusting others. I did everything to keep the darkest parts of my childhood hidden under the wraps. But, the more I tried to suppress those experiences of neglect and abuse, the stronger they grew.
While it seemed like there is no way to get out of the trauma, I found that it is possible to take control of my life and overcome the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Before we delve deeper on what can be done, let’s take a closer look at the abusive household.
A look inside the abusive household
Every day was unpredictable and ghastly. Rules that were enforced one day, don’t apply on the next day. Promises were neither kept nor remembered.
Depending on my father’s mood, his expectations varied. His mood can swing from one end of the pendulum to the other in a moment’s notice. One minute he is the fun-loving and happy father, in the blink of an eye, he would become the sullen and angry disciplinarian.
So, even when things seemed fine at the surface level, I kept waiting for the disaster to strike. I started tracking things that trigged him and tried to stay clear of them. Whenever my survival instincts failed and I was subjected to my father’s wrath, I felt inadequate and guilty for triggering him to abuse me.
It took me a long time to realize that he was just using us (mom and I) as an outlet for his anger. While most of the times, verbal and emotional abuse was enough to sate him, whenever he is intoxicated or angry, the abuse became physical in nature.
You may ask, where was my mom when all this happened? She was lying down on the floor covered in bruises, sometimes blood. I had no time to feel bad about the few slaps or burns I received that day, I had to take care of my mom.
We were strictly prohibited to discuss about what happened within the walls of our home. Even if we were allowed to talk about it, neither mom nor I would have found the nerve to confide it to anyone.
Verbal abuse
He often starts with a harmless, subtle put-down that was disguised as humour. When that comment did not receive the reaction he was looking for, it would progress to criticism and belittling.
If he was at the end of his tether, he will go all out and start sprouting profanity. Else, he would just continue his insults until he grew tired.
Emotional abuse
Whenever I got a bit too outspoken for him, he would start withholding love, communication, or every money to maintain the power dynamics.
Physical abuse
Most parents have felt the need to strike their child, at one time or another. However, dad felt the need to strike us frequently and they make little to no effort to control his impulses.
Based on dad’s mood, we would be either let off with a couple of slaps or move on to bruises and burns.
Effects of abuse on children
Regardless of the nature of the abuse that I survived as a child, I also developed a handful of valuable skills that help me get through tough situations in life.
The best asset that I got out of all this is my heightened sense of empathy and survival instincts. However, with the emotional baggage of an abused home came a handful of not-so-desirable qualities.
People who grow up in an abusive home:
- have difficulty identifying and expressing emotions
- are more aware of others’ feelings than their own
- blame themselves for everything that goes wrong
- find it difficult to trust others
- carry feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness
- hang on to hurtful and destructive relationships
What’s worse is that all these suppressed feelings, only increase the risks of abused children becoming suicidal, or worse, an abusive adult.
Coming to terms with a crappy childhood and overcoming it
Abusive household cuts across lines of race, social status, education level, and religious affiliation. It happens to both boys and girls and is perpetrated by both men and women. Most of the time, abuse is an overall family pattern of dysfunction, boundary issues, and disorganization.
Survival behaviors that were very helpful when I was growing up, became a problem in my adult life. Coming to terms with a crappy childhood and overcoming it was not easy, here’s how I managed it:
1. I sought help
Often, I questioned my own intuition and emotional reactions. Establishing a support network filled with friends and loved ones helped me get the objective perspective that I needed to trust my own feelings.
2. I learned to identify and express my emotions
Growing up in an abusive household, I was used to denying my own feelings. So, I started maintaining a thoughts diary, I used this to document emotions that I felt, the reason behind them, and the way in which I responded.
Initially, I’m always selective in sharing my feeling with others (unlike this blog post). I took small risks first, if the response was affirmative and supportive, I opened up a bit more. It was a slow process, but now I have a handful of friends who respect and accept me as my own-self.
3. I put in my best efforts to trust my friends
Trust might be the hardest thing that I ever had to deal with. It is impossible to trust someone when you have been let you down so many times. Soon, I realised that being closed off to the world and judging my friends is not the right way to deal with it.
4. I practiced self-love
Most of us try to indulge in compulsive behavior to keep our thoughts from spiraling down. It can be anything from excessive eating to shopping and work. Once I spotted such self-destructive behavior, I worked to tone them down.
After reining it in, I started taking good care of myself; physically, emotionally, and mentally.
5. I stood up against abuse
While it was impossible for me to change my dad, I can work on changing myself. I detached myself from the web of guilt that my dad kept me confined it. I stood up for myself and never backed down.
It was excruciating and it did not happen overnight. My slow yet steady battle made it clear that I was not that teary-eyed teenager anymore. He was not ready to relinquish the helm of control. I had to endure several fights, shouting matches, and more, to make him tame.
Now and then, he does start to act out. My lack of fear and strong resolution make his temper tantrums fade away soon, without much damage.
6. I delved deeper into the topic of abuse
Books have always been my favorite choice to escape reality. There are an array of books that offer helpful information about abusive families. They helped me a great deal in my quest.
Here’s a list of books that I found helpful:
- Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
- Heal: How to Overcome Bullying, Burnout, Abuse and Neglect. One Piece at a Time
- Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics
- Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused As Children
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Summary
This is just my experience of fighting against my demons. Once I took back control of my own life and reclaimed my self-esteem, I did not allow anyone (including my own family members) to abuse me.
You can do it as well. However, to get out of the situation and stop the abuse, you must be willing to take the first step: allow yourself to be angry for what you were subjected to and stand up for yourself.
