Practical Steps Everyday Americans Can Take to Actually Make Our Country Great Again
Americans are in trouble. Our leaders don’t know how to lead, and our citizens have forgotten how to be reasonable. We seem to think that conflict resolution is for suckers. We compare people who disagree with us politically to Nazis and socialists and call it meaningful, intelligent dialogue. And we’re living with this tension and conflict on all levels of society, all the time.
Recent examples from my own life:
Social Media: After years of bearing witness to normally decent people duke it out on Facebook (and admittedly allowing myself to get sucked into the fray at times), I deleted my account. I had over 400 friends. When I rebooted Facebook, I kept only my groups and turned off notifications. My news feed is blessedly blank now.
Community: Two of my neighbors nearly got in a fist fight at the annual HOA meeting this week over a $20 annual increase in our dues. (The average home price in my neighborhood is in the $3-400ks.)
Religion. My local Methodist church is struggling to make sense of the General Conference’s recent decision to reject LGBTQ clergy and couples. What does this mean? Where do we go from here?
Family: Many of our friends are getting or have already been divorced, unable to reconcile their differences. For the most part, it’s been for the best, though not what anyone wanted to see happen.
I’ve been talking this over with my peers lately, asking, “Does it feel like some new, peculiar form of insanity has taken over our world?”
Some say this is just what it looks like to be a grownup. We get to see behind the scenes of institutions that before provided us support and comfort. Others point out that division is nothing new in America. Think of the 60s. McCarthyism. Racism. Besides, it’s not like we’re the most dysfunctional family on the block. Look at Venezuela!
The common thread among these conversations has been a sense of helplessness. No one seems to know how to fix it or make it better. Most agree though that something needs to change.
Thankfully, not everyone has accepted political, religious, and racial polarization as our new normal. Groups like the Convergence Center for Policy Resolution and The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, are working to give Americans the tools to improve public dialogue.
Whether it’s a family Easter dinner or a board meeting, these tools can be used to turn down the volume on irate diatribe and help opposing sides find common ground.
Stories
Instead of debating the merits of differing points of view, share stories of your personal experience, values, and hopes for change. The point of sharing a story is not to emotionally manipulate the other person, as politicians are fond of doing. Instead, stories help us to see real-life people in place of sterile, black-and-white issues.
Curiosity
When we’re already polarized and segregated into like-minded groups, it can be hard to understand how the other side reached their opinion. So it can be helpful to turn instead to wonder. Ask yourself, “I wonder how this person came to their view?” Even better, ask them to tell you the stories of how they came to that view. Listen to their answers without passing judgment, even if you disagree. Doing so may give you the opportunity to reciprocate with your own story.
Respect
Start by setting a ground rule of respect. Draw the line at physical threats of violence against yourself or others and name calling. Check your own tendency to need to dominate the conversation and draw unfair conclusions that don’t make room for other views. Don’t assume you know what the other person is feeling or thinking. And ask questions if you need clarification.
Common Ground
We have more in common with one another than we think. Start the conversation with common ground, whether it’s your kids/their grandkids, your neighborhood, a desire to see an improvement in the school environment, or a shared belief in the Divine. Build the conversation from that place.
ABCs of Intolerance
What about when someone resorts to slurs and intolerant or hateful speech? Isn’t that game over? We can still move the conversation forward without denouncing the other person and cutting off the connection, says The Opposite of Hate author Sally Kohn. She advises us to use ABC — affirm, bridge, and convince.
Affirm the fear or feeling beneath the statement. (I understand you worry that immigrants mean fewer jobs for citizens.) Use a fact or statistic to build a bridge or elevate the level of rhetoric. (Immigration rates are actually lower than they were 10 years ago.) Convince them of a different view with a personal story or anecdote. (As a mother, and I can’t imagine having to raise my children in a dangerous environment.)
Practice
Americans often advise one another to avoid discussions of religion or politics. But we’re really doing ourselves a disservice when we do. Healthier conflict resolution comes more easily when we practice many times in small doses.
Fun and Love
Okay, these two are my own tools developed from living with a large, close-by extended family. We share much of our life and time but few of our views with one another. We’ve had our fair share of Facebook flame wars and red-faced holiday dinner rants. No one’s mind is changed in the end, and we’re still stuck with one another.
So my husband and I have decided to focus on building positive experiences instead. Sharing in restaurant meals, ski vacations, and kids’ soccer games remind us that in the end, we still love one another, whether or not we agree. Living side-by-side with people who voted for someone you despise is not easy. But it also does not let you off the hook because it puts a very human face to the opposing party.
It’s not much, but it’s a start to bringing some sanity back to our corner of the world. No matter what’s going on out there, at least at home we’ve decided that love trumps all.
Additional resources:
Christa Hogan is a creative fiction and non-fiction writer and veteran freelancer. She also teaches mindfulness meditation. You can find her on Twitter @christachogan and on the newly launched Creative Mercies community Facebook page, where she teaches creatives how to build more productive, sustainable and resilient creative lives.
