Reading 100+ Self Help Books Won’t Make You Happy
Design your personal value system and become unstoppable
--
Life can be exhausting.
You are trying to achieve a goal and feel discouraged every time things fall apart. You want to get better at handling situations that drain you.
You read personal development content on the web, but there are too many ideas out there.
A self help book tells you to have a “growth mindset” while working on new projects. A philosophy blog convinces you to apply “Stoic principles” to get along with new people. A podcast recommends you to be “vulnerable” and and talk to the person who resents you.
You find new and compelling ideas every day.
But when the situation arises, you don’t know how to implement these ideas. Worse yet, you can’t even recollect these ideas.
When you do implement a principle, you lack the consistency to see results.
Self-help knowledge is not translating into practical ways of dealing with chaos.
You can stay distracted by reading self-help books or you can create your own personal value system.
I will share a strategy to do the latter.
Understand The Influence of Your Environment
“The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself” — Mark Caine
Environments can have a profound impact on your personality traits. They create habit patterns in your mind. Over time, your reaction to situations will be hardwired by dominant external influences at the workplace or at home.
If your city is littered, you will become comfortable throwing trash outside.
If your workplace promotes a culture of toxic competition, you will adopt some parts of it.
Your reaction to tough situations will be a blind reaction.
If the project that you are leading fails, you will deflect the blame because that’s what everyone at your workplace does.
If you are in a tough spot in an interpersonal situation, you will lie without even thinking about being honest.
Once you are aware of these influences, you get a choice.
Try this (10 minutes):
- Sit in a comfortable space, close your eyes and take deep breaths for 10 minutes.
- List down 10 tough situations you have faced in the last 3 months.
- Identify if your reaction was a choice or a blind reaction to the environment.
You have the power to change your response. You can defy the rules of your environment.
Create Your Personal Code Of Conduct
Paul Graham, the co-founder of Y-Combinator, wrote in one of his essays that mean people fail. After observing many start-ups, he got this insight:
“Mean start-ups are unable to focus energy on ideas that help them transcend. They can’t hire the best people to work on those ideas. They don’t get benevolent opportunities from the network.”
As a result, he decided to build the value system of “non-meanness” in his kids.
To have a choice in times of stress, you need to stand for something.
To stand for something, you need to know what you believe in.
“I never wanted to be on any billionaires list. I never define myself by net worth. I always try to define myself by my values.” — Howard Schultz
You need to have a personal “code of conduct” for life. Armed with it, your clarity will increase and decision making will become easier.
You won’t give in to the desires of revenge or anger if compassion is your core value. You won’t give in to the fear of failure if growth is your core value. You won’t give in to the culture of hierarchy if honesty is your core value.
You will not react to situations, you will act. You will become known as a person of character. People will rely upon your consistency.
They will trust you and it will open up opportunities beyond your current means. You will have peace of mind amidst pain, knowing that you did the right thing.
If you don’t have a personal value statement, try this over the weekend:
- Identify a key moment that has shaped your life.
- Ask yourself “What about this moment was important?” For every answer you write, ask yourself again “Why was it important?” After 5–7 times, you will arrive at your true motivation for this phase of life.
- Do this for other key moments in your life. Use it to arrive at 3 core values that have defined your actions till date.
- In addition to this, identify 3 aspirational values that can help you deal with difficult situations. E.g. you can choose to “serve others” or decide to have “forgiveness.” Refer to this list or any established belief system for ideas.
Living Through Your Code Of Conduct
“If you’re not willing to accept the pain real values incur, don’t bother going to the trouble of formulating a values statement” — HBR
To live by your values, you need to believe in them. You should be convinced about how they will benefit you. Once you have that conviction, you have to implement them in your daily life.
This is where most people fail.
Having a conviction in core values is not enough. You have to use them in challenging situations. You have to check if they cover most issues. You also have to measure your adherence to them.
You have to design your environment to implement your values.
- Become Aware: To begin with, you have to remember your values. Take out 2 minutes in the morning and commit to living your values for the day.
- Evaluate: Every evening, evaluate your day. Make a mental note of moments when you acted as per your values and forgive yourself for the lapses. Progress is more important than perfection.
- Measure: Once a month, journal how you are doing against your values. Make a plan to implement them better next month [e.g. Author James Clear writes integrity reports to evaluate his performance on values]
Once in 6 months, relook at your core values.
Are you missing an important principle?
Has one of them become irrelevant in your life?
Core values should serve you. The moment they don’t, remove them and redefine your value system.
I started defining my core value system 2 years ago:
- Always be honest
- Don’t harm anyone
- Don’t steal and cheat
- Stay aware and equanimous
- Be of service
- Focus on growth
- Perform actions and renounce results
No matter what happened yesterday, I commit to them every morning. I am more aware of the environmental influences. I operate through my values subconsciously and it is changing my behavior.
Conclusion
“Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” — Ayn Rand
A strong value system will make self help redundant in your life.
You will have clarity while dealing with chaos.
You will become a magnet for people, ideas and opportunities.
You will have peace of mind.
What are your core values? How do you plan to implement them?
Think about this. Live through your values and become unstoppable.
You can do this!
Follow the steps in my free guide and overachieve your goals: “The Ultimate Cheat Sheet to +10X Your Potential”
