Reflections on My Self-Feedback Form
This new year, I experimented with something new: asking people for feedback on myself. Like course evaluations for a human. A product review. User response. A gathering of thoughts. Data collection. A look at who I am from a more diverse selection of lovely brains and hearts other than my singular one. Wanting to improve with more clarity in direction and motivation.
After soliciting some initial feedback on the feedback form (meta!), I set it free on Internet, hoping anxiously for as many people to fill as possible.
After he (very creatively) completed the form, my friend Victor commented on how surprised he was that I made the feedback form in the first place. “I always thought of you as free-spirited, not caring what other people think of you.” Why am I now putting myself at the center of other people’s attention, asking for their thoughts on me?
I told Victor, half-thinking aloud, “I don’t care what about people think of me, but I care about how they feel.” Which is a simplified statement — I do still often fall for social comparisons and related fears, and the form is more than just feelings — but, I think, essentially true.
A number of factors motivated me. I’m always curious for feedback and in the past few years fascinated by those who treat their lives as experiments, and the life design movement. While there are unorganized little nuggets of such principles here and there that I try to incorporate into my life, I haven’t really done anything meaty. This was an opportunity to do just that. Also, asking for and receiving feedback is also an interesting exercise in the quality of relationship I share with people — how comfortable do people feel about being honest with me? What precise insights will they share? A fun test in our dynamics, our openness.
“My biggest fear,” I continued, “isn’t that people say ‘bad things’ about me” — it is, after all, honesty and sincerity that I most wanted — “My biggest fear is that not a lot of people will fill out the form.” — that is, that little people would bother. With a little over 30 responses, here are the synthesized results:
My strengths
The majority of the strengths people so kindly responded with fit into three camps:
- Communication: interpersonal communication and artistic/visual communication
- Curiosity / Open-mindedness
- Self-awareness
These are some key areas that I try to consciously focus on, so it was lovely to see people respond to them as well.
My weaknesses
Can’t wear Teva’s in your twenties, Judy. It just ain’t cool. — former teacher
The weaknesses were more diverse, and it was through these that I learned the most and I have the greatest appreciation. Some stand out to me most as being importantly true and worthy of action:
1. Insecurity, A Touch More
This comment was so, so close to bringing tears to my eyes (he has done that once already):
I think that you may have some insecurity when it comes to relationships. I know that you know that you are worthy of love, but I think that there is a bit of a cry for validation maybe in what you are seeking — a touch more desperation for confirmation of your lovability than maybe is necessary (note the back-handed compliment in that!). — close friend
It was his precise accuracy that touched me, filled me with awe (“how does he know?”) as well as with appreciation and gratitude (“wow, he knows this about me”). His observation was so acutely true, a truth that I had yet heard anyone notice explicitly. His concise articulation — of something that can bring me blues and frustrations — was beautiful and incredibly refreshing. I have not explicitly expressed this “insecurity” to anyone, less out of fear and more out of my inability to really put a finger on it, and my efforts to rationalize and move past it without providing it articulation. That this friend was able to bring it such nuanced light brought love to my heart and further gratitude for our friendship.
Of course, the content of his feedback was also valuable. This is something that deserves further thought and clarity to express in writing, but it is true that often (more so when I am at Tufts than when I am not) I can feel paralyzed, even if sporadically and just temporarily. Paralyzed by a certain need for a cuddle, for a text, for the presence or acknowledgment of people I love — validation of love — in order to continue with my intended and desired time to get stuff done. The intellectual understanding doesn’t always pair up with the visceral feeling.
That being said, I like to think of myself as, and have often been told to be, a rather confident person. Which also makes it all the more worthwhile for me to improve upon, for fear and paralysis, even if a little, can undermine — and they have — work and time.
2. Beware of my ego (and actively do something about it)
Your pride. You have a lot to be proud of as you’re doing and creating amazing things but I do think ego could prevent you from trying some new things and it might be interesting to step out of your comfort zone by experiencing something that you might consider beneath you in some way. — close friend
When I read this from a dear friend at Tufts, I was touched, yet again, with its honesty. I always try my best to point out where my ego may be influencing a comment or biasing a judgement. Having awareness of myself is helpful in picking up where ego speaks, but reading this, I realized that despite my awareness, I haven’t actually done much about what I’ve noticed.
Right before hopping on a plane to Kuala Lumpur, I downloaded Ego Is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday and finished it in my next days in Malaysia. It had been on my Amazon Wishlist for a while, and decided this was a good time to plunge in. As I began the book, I wondered if it was actually relevant to me — “Interesting book, but I’m not an egomaniac” — but as I poured through the pages and had the time to my thoughts during my travels, I saw how the book was for everyone, and critically important for me, too.
Most importantly, it brought me a clearer understanding of the struggles I’ve faced and where I’ve failed the past semester with co-running the Tufts Podcast Network. Important lessons emerged as we go into the new semester and begin the club again.
On the back of my phone, I recently added three little Post-It notes tucked behind my clear phone case. One of them reads, STAY CURIOUS. Try new things and take risks. While I always say I am curious for stories, for humanity, I also need to work on the times where I subconsciously neglect certain topics or people for being less worthy of curiosity — “oh, I would be curious, but I can live without that.” As I look to include in my life more “crazy people” that I call friends, that I admire and look up to, doesn’t that mean I necessarily draw a line for ones I look down on? (To ego: Who the fuck do I think I am?) Curiosity isn’t just flocking to the outwardly shiny topic or human, because that would be cheap. Dig deeper.
3. More readily share my appreciation for people
You’re hesitance to show affection. You’re working on it, and you’ve grown immensely but I guess you could try to let go and open yourself up a little more emotionally. You have so much love for the people around you and it doesn’t hurt to show it. — close friend
So true. Hug more (I’m getting better). Share with people my appreciation for them. Acknowledge people’s presences in my life, and how happy that makes me — in general terms, but also in specific terms, not just “I appreciate you,” but also, “I really appreciate you doing [this] today, thank you for caring.”
4. Orient myself towards purposeful actions
1. Do not spread yourself to thin. Do more of less. Deeper, not wider. [I] feel you sometimes spread yourself too thin in your quest for exploration. I’m not sure if this is a mechanism of self protection, running from something or too something.
2. Put yourself in positions to be held accountable for your actions. Take risks…that have material impact, not just a stop in the road. — friend from Taiwan
Both are incredibly relevant and related, and I think these two capture the priority of what I wish to focus on this year (though these are also important notes to keep in mind always). By going wide instead of deep, it is more likely for me to avoid — whether actively, subconsciously, or as a by-product — accountability and tangible risks. Without taking the right risks, it is also more difficult to go deep and immerse.
How Do I Make You Feel?
- Listened to / Cared for
- Calm / Comfortable
These two were the most common responses — (thank you)—but also raise the question of, How can I expand that more openly to more people? — because the modal responses were still not the majority of the responses. An anonymous response suggested:
“maybe be more social to people you don’t talk to as much?”
This hints at something that’s been on the back of my mind for a while now, though mostly in the form of mild self-consciousness and guilt. Otherwise, it becomes tautological — the people who I care for feel cared for in my presence, those who I feel comfortable around also share the comfort. Well, what about the people that I don’t do that for? — whether that be out of my own fear, negligence, unknowing, or infinite other reasons.
Where Can I Make an Impact?
- Writing
- Creative endeavors / Art
- Communication / Connection
Seeing people share writing as an area I can make an impact was a lovely reminder — yes, I need to write more. More importantly, I want to. So actively work on the desire, and write! — that is something I had been slacking off in the last six months. I value articulation, and perhaps sometimes have a more than necessary need to articulate through feelings, interactions, closures, these responses were a reminder for me to actively package the articulations into beautiful writings or meaningful art, words or visual or otherwise. Write more! Make more art! Integrate everyday creativities!
With communication and connection, they have been on my mind as “areas” I want to work in, but how to work with such vagueness? — “yeah, I communicate,” or “I work in connection,” — what?? There’s always been a struggle of, how I can make this broad love executable as tangible work of impact? These two responses from a Tufts friend and older friend from Taiwan gave reassurance that I am able to translate my love and a number of my strengths into seemingly wishy-washy hippie purposes:
“Make connections. Have experience and share them.”
“Universal/Global/International communication, understanding, and integrating”
- And a very thoughtful response from the former teacher that suggested against Teva-wearing:
“If I were you, knowing what I know now after almost 20 years working full time, I would advise you to look for one of these two directions: 1) Your own company, 2) A network-based job.
Your own company is always good for any personality, I think, so for you, too. I think you could thrive as you are driven, and would be a good leader, too, as you are reflective. However, the danger would be if the company stays small. I don’t think you would thrive so much in a small business (btw your hypothetical company does not have to be commercial, could be based on idealism).
Second thing, which won’t be achieved in combination with your own company unless this company grows big fast, would be to find a field in which you can interact with people a lot (i.e. grow & develop). So the corporate world or politics or diplomacy or charities etc will give you opportunities to join conferences, network and job-hop. I think you would thrive in a field where you can keep growing, step by step. The sky is the limit, then.”
Final Thoughts
Is this self-indulgent?
David pointed out something important:
“It seems a bit to me that you are spending a lot of time working on yourself, but perhaps neglecting a bit the other area of your life around life-purpose, work, whatever comes next after college. I don’t think at all that you should drop your self-improvement efforts, but they may be more guided if you also have a more concrete vision for your future.”
At the same time, Austin suggested:
“Introspect and reflect on what is most important to you in life, and why.”
To which I think of this feedback:
“Just remember to stay right sized — aspirations and goals are wonderful to have, but don’t forget to enjoy today in the meantime! :)”
The phrase “right sized” strikes a cord with me. Be of the right proportion. That is not to say be safe and stop aspiring, however, to shoot for something difficult without the right desire, attitude, preparation, and so on, is just as “off” as it is to shoot for something that does not provide the “right” kinds of challenges. It’s a constant negotiation and re-negotiation.
Thank You ❤
A big thank you to everyone who took the time and thought to complete the form and provide me with such beautiful data and feedback (and all those beautifully love thoughts). It means a lot to me and I hope there’s also something here you can take away for yourself. I will love to hear any more thoughts you have to share.
