Screw the Pursuit of Happiness.
I seek something different. Confused? I was at first.
Everything in our society tells us that we should strive to be happy. We are directed to chase the purple dragon in the pursuit of a feeling of ecstasy. We find bits and pieces that leave us wanting more. They urge us to continue the chase.
My therapist mentally slapped me.
It happened in our last session. I was telling her how frustrating it was to be completely happy, with everything in my life, and yet still be struck down with an episode of depression. It was a purely chemical depression, and the lack of a focal point was almost frustrating.
You’re not happy.
That’s what she said to me. I looked at her dumbfounded. I could not imagine why she would challenge me on this. I knew that I was 100% happy with my life. There was no question of it. I had arrayed everything around me in precisely the way I wanted.
You’re not happy. You’re content.
I admit that I was still confused. Contentment seems like a downgrade from happiness. When someone says that they are content, my gut response would be something to the effect of “What would it take to make you happy?”
They are related.
You can be both happy and be content at the same time. Happiness and contentment are not mutually exclusive. They can also occur in isolation. You can be content and be unhappy. You can be happy and not be content. They are related, but they are not the same thing.
Happiness is fleeting.
Happiness is something that can be pursued, but it is often short-lived. It happens in moments, over things, words or circumstances.
We can bounce into happiness with no regard for how we feel otherwise. I’ve been in the deepest of depressions with real issues and had moments of joy.
Think about it. Those moments that make you smile and feel happy?
They have an expiration date. That smile will fade. That feeling will give way to the overall tenor of the day. There is an end.
Being content is better than simply being happy.
I never considered that anything could be better than being happy. That was mostly because I was interpreting the definition through a negative lens that society often assigns to it:
Content: (V) to accept as adequate despite wanting more or better.
It’s the “despite wanting more or better” that gets us and makes us think that content isn’t good enough.
The reality is that there will always be more or better circumstances to want. We will ever want a fancier car, a bigger house, the promotion and corner office.
The key is that we accept what we have as satisfying. That’s the hard part of being content.
Acceptance must have merit.
Reaching a healthy state of being content doesn’t always mean accepting your current situation. It is something to strive to achieve.
It should be satisfying to build a life or set of circumstances that are healthy for us both physically and mentally.
It’s essential to accept the realistic achievements and surroundings even as we want and strive for something better. The acceptance of a contented feeling allows us to breathe.
It allows us to keep our goals in mind even as we bask in the life we have now.
You can be content while having a bad day.
Your deadline is 4 PM for a big project at work, and the server crashed, at 3:55 PM, before you were able to submit. A smile would be the last thing on your mind in that moment and happiness would be just a dream.
The feeling of being content doesn’t evaporate as happiness does. Even though the day took a nosedive, you still have the comfort of knowing that it will all work out. The life you live will always be there around you, just as you built it.
Contentment fit my mindset.
That’s the kind of feeling I had in the depths of the most profound depressive episode in two years. It wasn’t something that made me beam with joy. It was something far deeper than a superficial feeling of happiness.
It was a deep-seated sense.
It told me that there were very few things that could go wrong in my life that would make it something that wouldn’t bring me a feeling of contentment.
Depression kept me from celebrating, but contentment kept my head held high.
With contentment, I can have horrible days and perfect days. I will always feel that deep-seated sense of acceptance and peace of mind.
It is a lower-key feeling than happiness, but it is steady and constant. It doesn’t ebb and flow like happiness and sadness.
Stop driving for happiness and focus on contentment.
Instead of the belief that life isn’t good if a smile isn’t plastered on your face 24/7, imagine a relaxed acceptance of the life you’ve built for yourself. It will always have its flaws, but part of acceptance is a willingness to change.
I have acceptance with conditions in my life.
I have a treatment goal to tackle what seems to be my last mental health challenge. It can be debilitating at times and caused a major fight with my wife on the day I wrote this. It presents a significant strain on our relationship.
I hate that there is a struggle there. It doesn’t affect my contentment with life. That is because I have a plan of action.
I have targeted therapy set up, starting next week, to specifically focus on the issue with methods I haven’t tried yet.
To me, the idea is to accept, but not to settle.
Acceptance is not the same thing as settling or complacency. It can come with action.
That is a crucial point to contentment and overall ability to reach sustained happiness for me. There seems to be a conception that acceptance means that there can be no requirement for change.
That does not have to be the case. Acceptance allows for change. My acceptance of my life has some qualifications and requirements for the future.
I stopped pursuing happiness. I have contentment.
With that feeling that I am content with my life, I don’t have to pursue happiness any more.
I find it in various corners of my life and smiles come more naturally.
Happiness comes without an invitation, and the everyday struggles of the world weigh less heavily upon my shoulders.
A day may be awful. I could be tired, drained and stressed to the max. I can let it melt away, though. I know that my life will still be there.
I still have what I have, a plan for what I don’t, and a willingness to meet new challenges because I know where I stand.
What about you?
Is there a place in your life for plans of improving a relationship, finding a better job, improving a living situation or some other key characteristic?
Can you accept your life circumstances with identified areas of improvements and be content with your situation and plan?
Are you able to be content and find happiness in your life without the constant pursuit?
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