Secrets of a Recovering Self-Improvement Addict
Rediscovering fulfillment after years of unconscious self-harm
Self-improvement changed my life for the better, and then slowly destroyed my self-esteem behind the scenes.
As humans, we’ve survived by working hard to push society forward and do better than the generations before us. It’s instinctual. It’s in our blood.
But in the society we’ve built for ourselves, it’s easy for us to get thrown off balance without even realizing it. And in that case, instead of working for the betterment of ourselves and society, we can unconsciously go in the opposite direction.
In this article, I’m going to guide you through my journey of self-improvement, and how it led me to unconsciously become more unsure of myself and disconnected than ever before. We’re also going to dive into why it was so hard for me to spot, and then finally the lessons I’ve learned to be in a more fulfilling headspace.
Naturally, we’ll start from the beginning.
It All Started with an “Opportunity”
As I reflect back on how this all went wrong, I can pin it back to this specific period in my life.
I’ve always been chatty, full of life, and driven. So, naturally, I attract network marketers at a shocking rate. The first time this happened, I was 19. Now, before I get into this, I’m not here to bash network marketing, it’s simply a crucial part of my story.
I was serving a woman one day in her early 30’s. She was extremely outgoing, kind, and had, what felt like, a really sincere energy about her. Later that day when she left, she called into my work and asked to speak with me. She re-introduced herself, showered me in compliments, and then asked if I’d meet her for coffee for a business opportunity.
My heart felt so full! It was so rare to meet people so wonderful. And a business opportunity?! Even better. I agreed.
For those of you who know what “love bombing” is, that’s what it was in retrospect, but for business. Weird, I know.
Long story short, I was pulled into the world of network marketing. This, however, was sold to me as more of a mentorship program and a friendship. And surprisingly, this is where my self-improvement journey really began.
In fact, it really benefited me in a lot of ways.
I read business books and self-improvement books on a regular basis, I listened to podcasts that made me think about life differently, and I had countless deeply transformative conversations with people who were much older than me.
I felt like I belonged, I felt heard, and my eyes opened to a whole new world of knowledge; a world where my opportunities were endless, where I could grow mentally, and where I was surrounded by like-minded people who (I thought) were my friends.
It really was a transformative experience, and a lot of it has positively shaped the way I see the world today.
But as I reflect on the toxic cycle I found myself in many years later, I see that this “opportunity” had been more harmful than I had originally thought.
Apart from the issues I was already aware of, like the “opportunity” itself, and all of my “friends” who were not really my friends at all, the unconscious beliefs I developed from this phase in my life were the most damaging.
I’ve seen the same messaging presented in many motivational talks outside of the network marketing space too. Perhaps indirectly, but it’s there. Do these beliefs sound familiar?
“I’m mediocre if I don’t pursue an extraordinary financial path.”
“I’m a sheep if I focus on everyday life, instead of ‘financial freedom’ and ‘time freedom.’”
“Successful people make sacrifices to be great, including relationships. Only go-getters understand.”
“Only surround yourself with go-getters, or else you’ll fall off of your path and end up as a failure.”
“If you quit *insert whatever it is* you’re weak, you’re a quitter. Winners never quit, even if you’re unhappy.”
Did any of these ring a bell? If so, there’s an explanation for this. And no, it’s not that these statements are true.
Inadequacy Sells
Now, as a woman in her late 20’s with a deep understanding of marketing, I can see how this happens. The best way to get people to do what you want is to make them feel inadequate as they are, and show them that the only way to be of value is through their offer.
What better people to manipulate than young people with big dreams but not much experience, immigrants who are looking for a better life, parents who are struggling financially, and anyone else in a vulnerable state? Cue the network marketers and other businesses ready to rock your world!
Even outside of these industries, it happens all the time.
The beauty industry’s built off of running the narrative that we’ll be beautiful IF we look a certain way. Much of the health industry is also simply built off of the belief that once again, you’ll be valuable ONCE you lose weight, or gain muscle, or only gain fat in your bum but not anywhere else.
Or how about tech? Are you innovative and “with the times” if you don’t have the latest smartphone or technology? Even spirituality! Are you as spiritual as you could be? You can be more in alignment with the divine IF you purchase this crystal, IF you use sage, IF you buy that breathwork course. (No disrespect to breathwork, that stuff is wild!)
This messaging is told to us every single day, and if we don’t catch it, our subconscious grasps onto it and we see it as truth. From there, we begin to notice incidents or situations in life that reinforce those beliefs, and the cycles begin.
Luckily, many of us know that we can take control of our beliefs through methods like therapy and shadow work, but this is exactly where it all went wrong for me.
Shadow Work Can Free Us or Trap Us
For those of you who don’t know what shadow work is, it’s the process of diving into the aspects of yourself that aren’t sunshine and rainbows, and working with them.
For example, if you struggle with unhealthy relationship patterns, you’d dive into the subconscious beliefs within yourself that attract you to these relationships, discover how they were formed, etc. Then, you work with these deeply ingrained beliefs to essentially release and transform them into beliefs that will serve you instead of hurt you.
Shadow work is one of the best tools I’ve ever learned. There’s beauty in diving deep into the icky parts of ourselves and befriending them. It turns out that these parts of ourselves aren’t so scary after all, they just need a little love.
But here’s where it can go wrong, and where it went wrong for me.
As I continued down the road of self-improvement, I continuously found more to work on. Of course, this is an Earthly experience and it’s natural to grow and learn for the rest of our lives, but that’s not what I mean.
I found myself obsessed with diving into my shadow-self, the not-so-pretty parts within me.
Every single day I dove into shadow work. Every day I had to find something wrong with me to fix. Every day I had to be better, do better. Isolate. Improve. Work harder. Make more money. Be smarter.
I must neglect the fun aspects of life because there’s work to do! I must improve! Sacrifice for the greater good!
One day I’ll be better. One day I’ll be good enough to go have fun. One day I’ll be wealthy enough to do whatever I want. One day I’ll pay more attention to my loved ones.
One day, one day, one day.
As you can probably tell, this isn’t healthy. And I began to drown instead of feeling how I thought I should feel, which was, well, happy.
I Became a Self-Improvement Addict
Addiction can be defined as someone compulsively participating in a behavior despite the negative consequences.
I realized I was becoming more unhappy, more anxious, more isolated.
Then, because of these feelings, I believed that I was even more messed up and needed to do even more work. It was time to read another book, listen to another speaker, meditate more, dive deeper into my darkness, rip apart my flaws.
I formed a deep belief that there is something inherently wrong with me. That my humanness is not okay. That I need to be fixed. I became so obsessed with being better, that I only focused on what I perceived was wrong with me.
Sure, I said a few positive affirmations and it felt great when I worked through some limiting beliefs, but it never stopped there. I had to keep going.
Like anything else in life, self-improvement can become extreme and unsafe. Especially when every form of media is using our biggest fears and weaknesses against us strategically.
We can see this play out in different ways. In my case, I’ve isolated myself and not allowed myself to enjoy the company of others or simple interaction. I’ve deleted popular social media accounts with the excuse that it’s a waste of time — which it is, but it’s also because I don’t like to be seen anymore.
It all boils down to my self-improvement addiction.
We create these false perceptions of the world based on this messaging we’ve allowed into our minds, and in turn, we create our own limits.
For me, I became so addicted to self-improvement books, and podcasts, and videos, that I avoided my best teachers — nature, friendships, family.
I can learn something from every person, every situation, every animal, every plant, everything. But because of my addiction, I became self-absorbed and lost sight of all of the things that really could fulfill me and show me that I, in fact, am worthy and valuable just as I am. That I can be my best self by interacting with the world and those I love.
The Path to More Fulfillment
I still struggle with falling back into the patterns of needing to fix something else or do more work. But I’ve realized the best way to combat this is to get out of my world and focus on someone else’s world or the world around me.
I am human, we’re all human, and we’re all imperfect. And that in itself is beautiful and completely okay.
I let myself get brainwashed into believing that by isolating and working on myself I was doing everyone else a favor, but it wasn’t true. What they wanted was attention and connection. They want me to pour love back into them and stop thinking about me, me, me.
They don’t care about how much money I make or how much I’ve learned about myself. The world doesn’t care either, so why do we do these things to ourselves?
For me, and I know for many others like me, we’re told that we must fill our own cup before pouring into others, which is true. But to an extent.
If we take it too far, we can drown ourselves, and then no one wins.
We can see this with people who focus every minute of every day on their physique, or education, or work, or whatever.
But what’s underneath it all? A deep desire to feel worthy and to be seen as valuable in some way.
But if we’re always focused on being better, we miss out on all of the amazing aspects of this human experience. Being laser-focused is a huge asset in so many ways, but not when you’re laser-focused for years on your inadequacy.
Imperfections add character, they create our story.
We are worthy of love, most importantly from ourselves, regardless of our mistakes, or fears, or secrets.
What I’ve learned is that the most effective way to work on becoming the best and brightest versions of ourselves, without sabotaging our success through obsession, is by letting our heart lead us.
It sounds so cliché, but I know that when I focus on what makes me laugh like a kid again and live perfectly in the moment, that’s when I’m my best self.
And by learning how to bring that childlike energy into my present moment, wherever I am, I understand what it means to feel fulfilled again.
