Start Running Towards Instead Of Running Away
I was running all my life. I was running away from things I did not want to face with. It started when I went to school. I was bullied, beaten, kicked in the stomach and spit on the face every single day for 8 years. I tried to fight back of course, but as usual, I got beaten more and more. So I decided to study more, study harder, perform better. My goal was crystal clear, be the best student to be able to enroll to university so I can escape from those people. So I can leave my hometown which gave me so much suffering. After a while I became a better student, and I was one of the top performers of my school. It lead to more bullying, more beating, more hate speech. At that point I didn’t care at all anymore. I had one goal in front of me: escape.
I started the university and soon realized I am not nearly among the top students anymore. A few semesters later I noticed I will never get significant amount of useful knowledge there. So I kept running. I was running away from the university studies. I wanted real life experience and useful knowledge as soon as possible. So I started to study harder, I skipped parties, I drastically reduced my social life to be able to focus on my studies more and more. I had one goal. Finish the university as soon as possible and get real life experience. It lead me to become one of the top performers again, and draw attention of some people. I was asked to work as a part timer in my field parallel to my studies.
I finished the university and started working full time. I realised what I make is enough for living but not enough to build a life from if you have nothing. I didn’t want to live in poverty like my family. I didn’t want to count my money to be able to buy food at the end of the month. I wanted the careless good life you see on tv, where I don’t have to worry anymore and I can afford anything whenever I want it. So I continued running. I was running away from poverty. I learnt more and more. I was working harder, working faster, tried to get as much experience as possible. I was switching jobs for years and years as soon as I felt I learnt everything I could. Two goals were in my mind. The next company has to provide a better salary, and the company’s reputation should be better so it looks great in my CV. Therefore I can jump forward a few months or years after easily to the next one.
In the meantime I was running away from loneliness. Ending up in relationships which were destructive. With people who were draining my energy, dragging me down and throwing me away. I started improving on myself both physically and also on my people skills. I had one goal in my mind, find a partner after each breakup as fast as I can. I was scared to be alone.
A miraculous thing happened one day. I was sitting on my couch and looked at my life. I had a great job, a smoking hot girl next to me, a fast car and a nice apartment. I felt done. Complete. I was not running away from things anymore. First time in 20 years I stopped running. I stopped pushing, I stopped improving. You know they say.
If you are not improving you are dying.
That was true in my case too, but I realised it way too late. My relationship fell apart. My girlfriend left me. I was underperforming at my job, people didn’t like to work with me anymore. I stopped working out. I was sitting on the coach and watching tv all night.
I found myself living alone at the very first time in my life. I wanted to run away so badly. That was the only solution I knew. I started to go dates again, travel, meet more and more with friends just not to be alone.
One morning I looked into the mirror and I said it has to stop. I have to face the most scary thing i ever faced. Myself.
I did introspectives for weeks. Going over my past and list and analyze everything. I started to develop self awareness. I wanted to know exactly what I feel, why and how can I control my feelings. I wanted to know how can I be a better person. I wanted to discover what truly matters for me, what are my values and what are my goals and most importantly what drives me. I started to read more and more books about self improvement, did online courses and even started to see a life coach.
I looked into the mirror and I said. And I said it out loud. I cannot run away from myself. I have to live with myself forever so I better love this guy in the mirror.
I was looking for my drive day after day. I was working hard figuring out who am I and looking for were I want to be and what person I want to become.
When I look into the mirror now I do not see myself anymore. I see the person I want to become. I know where I want to be, what I want to achieve and the person I want to become. I imagine it, feel it and I am becoming it slowly day after day.
I started running again. But first time in my life I am not running away from something. I am running towards to something. I want to elevate the life of the people I work with. I want to help them to become the best version of themselves. I want to see them energized when they come to work and I want to see them happy when they leave the office. I want to help individuals to improve, who are lost like I was. I started dating again, but this time not because I don’t want to be alone. I am perfectly fine with being alone, because I love myself. I want to be with a person who shares my drive, who helps me to become a better person and whom I can help to be a better person.
The image of myself burnt into my mind. I wake up each day happy so I can put the work on how to improve. Doing the tiny steps day by day to reach my goals to be the best version of myself.
People have the tendency to hold each other accountable for everything. On the other hand people rarely hold themselves accountable for anything. Stop being a victim. Look into the mirror and say it out loud. I failed. I failed myself because I was not trying hard enough. I was not putting 120% just 70% to succeed. Stop blaming the consequences.
Find out what drives you. Imagine it, feel it, live it. Give 120% each day. There is no more rewarding thing than when you look into the mirror and say: I did everything I could today, I did 120% to become that person I want to be. Stop. Stop running away from things. Face them, face yourself and quit from the victim mindset and start living the victor mindset.
