The 4 Habits of Underperforming Best Friends
They could be yours too, but hopefully, not for long
Friendship red flags aren’t always as apparent as they should be. They could hide in plain sight and only come glaring at you when there’s nothing left to save.
I don’t think there are perfect friendships. But if we don’t make an effort to up our game, ours may no longer be able to bounce back, like, ever.
I’m lucky I got to patch things up with my best friend several times over. Still, I’ve made this list both as a personal reminder and a spoiler alert to many of you: surprise, you’re underperforming as a best friend. It’s about time to stop doing these four things.
1. You Measure Your Friends Against Some Unrealistic Rubric
The first one, I guess, is the ultimate tell-tale sign of immature friendships. I’m not saying relationships like this one won’t last, but that’s only because I want to believe there’s always room for growth.
It baffles me how so many people literally expect their best friend to share with them a box of pizza and NOT eat the last slice like it’s some sort of unwritten agreement; or perhaps, think it’s their BFF’s responsibility to dull their own shine to let them shine too. Come on, people. Do you honestly think that’s healthy?
On worse occasions, some crucify friends for not being there when they’re needed the most, guilt them to death for canceling lunch dates after something more important came up, or worse, feel betrayed for not being the first one to know about a big event in their friend’s life.
You may see your friends as life’s best presents, and that’s kinda sweet of you to say. But also remember that they aren’t some god-sent, supernatural beings whose sole purpose in life is to give you a constant dose of validation or company.
They have lives to live, too. This means having their own share of problems and vulnerabilities that may yield them MIA regardless of your current need for emotional support. It doesn’t make them selfish at all. One of the most sensible things I was ever told about personal relationships was that they should only be “give and give”, in that you never expect anything in return.
Sure, friendships grow for a variety of reasons. But if we let the depth of our friendships end with expecting too much for someone who’s no more human than ourselves, then that’s exactly what happens to the relationship itself — it ends.
One of the most sensible things I was ever told about personal relationships was that they should only be “give and give”, in that you never expect anything in return.
2. You Don’t Let Them Solve Their Own Problems
I always think about how the following was only supposed to be a joke but so accurately describes a frequent aspect in my relationship with my best friend.
Q: What’s worse than a biscuit drowning in tea?
A: The second biscuit on rescue mission drowns too.
While I think the urge to help a friend out usually comes from a well-meaning end, it’s not to say that it doesn’t do harm.
My best friend is more than family to me. She’s literally my person. I’m sure she’ll dive in to get me out of whatever, and I sure as hell wouldn’t hesitate to do the same. But oftentimes over the course of the relationship, we simply end up being that pair of biscuits. We drown in tea right in the middle of a rescue mission that shouldn’t have commenced in the first place.
I’m not saying it’s bad to be there for your friend when you’re needed, but giving them a chance to solve their problems on their own has its merits too.
For one, it makes them grow. It’s one of the many ways they develop their survival skills and boost their confidence. You could give them that gift by taking a step back. Give them the chance to navigate their problems first, all the while, assuring them (when you can) that you’ll be there when you’re needed.
It may make you feel better being the consistent lifesaver, but it tempts you to bite off more than you can chew. It cultivates an unhealthy relationship too where you tend to measure your worth by how much saving you’re capable of doing. And when you start failing at your rescue missions, it could break you down and leave you unsure of where you stand.
Letting your friend solve their own problems protects your friendship from the burden of unrealistic expectations. Remember that this doesn’t translate to not having someone who’s got your back. It’s knowing they’re there and when worse comes to worst, they’d break your fall if they can, but also acknowledging that they wouldn’t always have to — that it’s not a responsibility.
After all, the deepest friendships are usually a give and give. They’re unconditional.
3. You Often Mistake Yourself for a Jury, Not a Friend
We typically have a lot in common with our pals that we tend to overlook the possibility of not sharing an exactly identical set of beliefs. That makes for a very good way to start hating and hurting each other.
I’ve noticed a lot of relationships fall into the trap, mine included. When the other opens up about a dilemma, the one listening tends to form their own set of opinions and, sooner or later, transforms into a jury who comes up with some verdict depending on their own personal belief system.
Sure, it’s foolish to walk on eggshells and not be able to tell your friend what you really think. But giving an opinion and shoving one down their throats are two very different things. There’s no doubt that some outside perspective could be helpful, but I guess we shouldn’t forget just what it actually is-an outside perspective. Our friends aren’t required to take them in, like, ever.
I think this all goes back to letting your friend be an entirely independent unit and respecting them for being that. Having someone who listens technically helps people sort their thoughts out and come up with better decisions eventually. We can help them navigate their own thoughts and also accord them the courtesy of accepting what their decisions will be.
4. You Don’t Give Them Enough Credit
There’s an infinite number of ways that the 4th red flag can manifest, including all the other three I’ve been rambling about in the last few minutes. When we don’t give our friends enough credit, we forget to see them for who they really are and simply judge them by some set of standards they didn’t really sign up for, for a thing they only did in a particular instance.
So they went out with the ‘wrong’ guy or made a ‘terrible’ career decision. They’re still better than that.
So they failed to live up to a promise. They’re still better than that.
So they slipped and did something that goes against a principle you both passionately believe in. Still, they’re better than that.
And you’re better than that too. You’re better than your naive self, counting the times your friends have done something you thought was wrong, and rubbing it in their faces every chance you get.
Give them enough credit.
Or better yet, when you can, give them an environment that makes it easier for them to grow past their mistakes and shortcomings. Be the friend you should have always been.
Anyway, that was me talking to several versions of my past self, remembering the mistakes I’ve done with good old friendships; and perhaps, the mistakes that have been done to me, too. I mean, looking back, I don’t really think a lot of my so-called friends were worth the trouble. But I’m making this list nevertheless, ’cause I think I found someone who is. And I hope we don’t mess it up this time.
Oh, and ’cause it’s always good to better ourselves. How could I forget?
