The Complete Beginner’s Guide to Love and Self-Awareness
Being in love is a strange feeling. The highs and lows are consistently extreme and often unexpected. Every time you think you are cruising at a moderate altitude, something happens. Something treacherous or something over the moon.
A few years ago, I was completely enthralled by the idea of love. I still am, but I guess I have a more realistic approach to the challenges that relationships present.
I used to be a hopeless romantic. Love was all about rainbows, cotton candy and, two people running through a vast expanse of super green fields. It was all about euphoria, escapism, and pacification. Love, to me, was a way to anesthetizes the reality of a cold world — until it wasn’t.
I met someone who fit my idea of perfection. Beautiful, well-spoken, not-too-tall-not-too-short, mildly elegant, mildly gauche, and very intelligent. This was the closest thing to a dream come true for me.
The beginning of the relationship was CRAZY! I mean ear-to-ear smiles, butterflies in our stomachs, eye-gazing, handholding, poetic justice, and lots of teasing. It was all I wanted. If this was the honeymoon phase, I didn’t want it to end.
Little did I know that love began when infatuation ended. Little did I know that love was sustained by the action of daily devotion. It was a rude awakening that prompted me to look within myself to find much of what I was missing.
Let’s face it — nobody is perfect. There is no infallible being. Everybody has something that they wish they could be better at, and sometimes getting intimate with another person exposes those things. If you are truly honest with yourself, you would instantly recognize that you are not perfect. In return, you wouldn’t expect perfection from anyone.
For me, that imperfection was in my communication. And I know many people talk about how bad their communication problem is. I also recognize that open and honest communication is difficult. In no way am I trying to make anyone feel like I am the worst communicator in the world. But I have to say that my communication skills needed life support. Desperately.
Your outward persona is not always a true reflection of your inward feelings.
I was often viewed as a confident person. Although I didn’t consider myself confident, I went with the flow of people’s perception. But, lurking within the inner crevices of my mind where the insecurities of not feeling good enough.
In my relationship, I appeared to be okay with certain things. I pretended to be laid back and relaxed about everything under the sun. By not addressing issues in a reasonable time, I held grudges and agonized over the past frequently.
Have you ever been judged by your outward persona even though you know it was not a true reflection of your inward feeling? Its frustration! But we have to realize that we get only what you tolerate. I learned to pretend no longer.
You have to be honest with yourself first.
“You cannot give what you don’t have.”
Those are some of the most profound collection of words I have ever loved and hated at the same time. I can explain.
When I was younger, every adult in a position to speak publicly would use those words as the insightful underpinning of their speech. It became cliché to say those words. The frequent use of that quote ignited my hatred and disinterest in its deep meaning.
It was until I began to read about trauma and the fundamental premise for which the concept is built upon that I could understand that the assailant/abuser used to be the victim in many cases. They often give to others that which was given to them. This is not an excuse for their behavior. It is to say that a person who doesn’t have love can never give love. Hence, expecting love from such a person would be erroneous.
In my case, I had to honest with the fact that my communication was awful. It was easy to assign blame and shine the spotlight on the shortcomings of others. But I had to take responsibility for my actions as it relates to the issues I had in my relationship.
The ultimate low.
The biggest problem with abstaining from healthy communication is the buildup of resentment. We’ve all heard that saying that goes, “Resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.” That was me, swallowing all this poison and hoping for healing.
My sense of self-worth began to dwindle. I felt stuck and powerless. Every time I tried to confront challenges in my relationship, I grew speechless. At the time, I was the head of the public speaking club at my school. I was always talking in front of people and talking to people. The irony of being speechless is laughable to me.
I began to deploy emotionally abusive techniques on my partner. The silent treatment was my most coveted technique. It was insidious and unproductive. I honed the skill of the silent treatment until I couldn’t take it anymore. I talk deeply about the silent treatment in this article:
The silent treatment was not only hurting my partner — it was also hurting me as well. I felt intoxicated by its effects. But it was also my place of comfort as well. Have you ever felt like that? Like the place that gives you the most pain also sometimes offers extreme comfort? That was the oxymoron I was living in, and I sought to find out why.
The journey to self-awareness.
In an article I read about by David Crabtree of Gutenberg College on “The Importance of History.” Gutenberg made a statement the ignited something inside me. He said,
“He who controls the past controls the future.”
His article looked at how the knowledge of history can help predict the future. He talked about how important it is for a doctor to understand the medical history of a patient to administer further treatment, how lawyers have to argue on the precedent to allow the judge to pass a verdict, and how parents have to know their history to truly know who started the fight.
His thought process made me ponder on my history to understand myself a little better. I began the journey of introspection and came to three solid conclusions.
- I didn’t come from a family of expressive people: My father was very stoic and work-oriented. I looked up to him for the better part of my life. Therefore, I imitated him in many ways. One of which was his ability to mask his emotions and bury them in piles of work.
- I was never supported during emotional outbursts: As a child, I was told that men don’t cry and shouldn’t cry. I was prompted to “take it like a man.” This distorted my perception of manhood and made me ascribe emotions to women instead of humans.
- I lived in fear of rejection for the better part of my life: Growing up in a culture that places parents and elders on a pedestal made me afraid of being venerable. Especially in front of my parents who were meant to be my rock. Elders were viewed as perfect. So I thought to myself, why would a wretch like me talk to these “gods” about my petty emotional issues?
All these factors working collectively played a huge role in who I was in a romantic relationship.
The tunnel towards the light.
Taking a good look in the mirror was the first step to re-evaluating my perception of myself. The goal was not to look at my physical frame but my mental frame. There were lots of painful parts of my life I had to reconcile with. Although the flames of my history burnt at my self-esteem, the tenacity of my today would springboard me into a formidable future.
I believe the same for you. What is it about your history that ring resonance in your habits today? Who you are today is an expression of all the things you have been through in your life. For you to step into yourself — you must start by stepping out of your past. This involves a lot of self-awareness.
According to psychology today, self-awareness is all about monitoring your response to your everyday experiences. You just really need to watch yourself and understand yourself. That’s what this is about.
Here are three levels of self-awareness:
1. What the hell are you doing?
This is the moment of realization. Just like when I realized that I had communication problems — you will realize things about yourself.
There are so many things you are doing unconsciously. Things that you might be ashamed of once you awaken. Don’t let the shame stop you from changing those habits — let it motivate you.
You may observe that you are predisposed to acting a certain way. It could be acting out when you are confronted. It could be running away from problems that you face daily as opposed to confronting them. It could be eating junk food when you’re upset.
It could be anything.
Self-awareness would expose these things, and it could be an intense experience. But remember, it is not to break you but rather to build you.
2. It’s tough to change this damn thing!
Unfortunately, being self-aware isn’t enough. Once you realize your bad habits, the time to change them is near.
Once I realized that I couldn’t withstand emotionally heated conversations. I stopped running. I started fighting regardless of the shame I felt, even with the preconceived attribution of emotions and weakness. I fought. Not for fame, not for self-aggrandizement — but for my mental health.
I built a strategy because I knew it was necessary. Sometimes you have to do what is right and not what is comfortable. Bad habits are hard to break and good habits are harder to form.
But you can do it too. It’s hard — but it's possible, I guarantee it.
But if you persist on changing, you would. It takes 18 to 254 days to develop a new habit. You can sweat it out build new habits. It is for your future.
3. I am doing it!
This is where I am right now! There are things I am doing today that I cannot even believe. From keeping a great diet to keeping a good exercise routine, to creating boundaries with friends and family, to creating clear lines of communication. I can go on.
Who am I? a regular guy, no special education, or genetic modification. I am just like you. So why can’t you do it?
Hard work pays off, and it pays big. Once you have gone through the learning curve. The brutality of it would not hurt you; rather, it will help you.
Final thoughts.
Being in love is a strange thing. It exposes you in ways that might be uncomfortable and devastating. But maybe love only does that to improve you — just like it did me. Here is what I want you to walk away with.
- You are the master of your fate.
- Being comfortable in vulnerability is being indestructible.
- Abide by the process of self-awareness and your life would change.
