The Conference My Boss Sent Me to That Made Me Quit My Job
I recently shared that I’m leaving my corporate job in tech at the end of May to travel the world.
If you’re anything like my family and friends, you’re probably wondering why the heck at the advanced age of thirty-six I’d want to let go of a well-paying job, work and friends I love, and my house on the cliff by the sea in order to become a wandering nomad.
Great question. I’ve asked myself the same thing over and over again.
The intense struggle between staying or leaving has been ongoing since early this year. In January, I returned from an eight day trip to Milan and Florence that changed everything. After I had rid myself of jet lag, I laid out a detailed plan for world travel. At the time it seemed insane. It listed options for when I’d go, my budget depending on my bon voyage date, and my travel itinerary. I couldn’t decide if this was what I wanted or if I was just in the very detailed throes of a wild daydream to make my life more interesting.
Then my boss sent me to a conference for corporate and executive women.
She was supposed to attend but two days before it began, she called me to say she had to travel and I needed to take her place. Conferences aren’t usually my jam so let’s just say I was less than thrilled as me and my low expectations walked in the door.
This conference was nothing like I expected. I found myself surrounded by strong, ambitious female leaders there to build their leadership skills and knowledge. These women weren’t messing around. They had plans and intended on achieving them.
The speakers added to that feeling, especially the first one. Cultural icons are often so different in real life than their public persona would lead us to believe. This was very much the case when Gloria Steinem spoke that morning. Her gentle strength and insistence on intersectionality were both encouraging and inspiring. Among the many things she said, a simple comment was the one that hit me the hardest.
“Your hopes are real because they are within you,” she said. It felt true.
I saw the woman next to me nodding and taking notes. She confided that she longed to be the CEO of our company one day, but felt that wasn’t an option for her. I assured her anything was possible and if she desired it enough, she’d find a way to make it happen.
As I whispered these words of encouragement to her, my heart uncomfortably prodded my mind. “And what are the hopes within you?”
I could see the opportunity before me for an impressive career in corporate tech. The path would take some work, but in a few years I knew anything could be within my reach. The achieving part of me liked the idea, but the rest of me was screaming, “THIS IS NOT THE LIFE YOU WANT.”
Your hopes are real because they are within you.
So, what did I want?
I looked down at Gloria’s comment I’d just typed into Evernote and there it was. Right beneath her words were ones I’d written four days before.
“I’m going to have the life I want because I’m building that life right now. I’m an explorer, curious and seeking answers so I’ll travel the world, learning about all the things and myself. It doesn’t have to be hard. It won’t be hard.”
Could it be that simple? My answer was staring me right in the face. It sounded crazy but it felt right. How could I leave everything I’d worked so hard to build to go exploring? I had already made the plan and I knew I needed to do it.
Later that day Serena Williams sat on the stage.
The strength of her beauty and joy for life enthralled me. She spoke about building her fashion line and reiterated my decision as she said, “Once I am determined, I know I’m going to get it done.”
I’ve found these words to be true in my own life. Over the past five years, I’ve worked hard to heal from sexual and domestic trauma and violence. Therapy, hard work, rebuilding, and just showing up for myself day after day have brought me to a place of safety and security, one I’ve created for myself.
Once I am determined, I know I’m going to get it done.
I told my mom the other day that now that I’ve healed it’s time for me to build flexibility of soul. Flexibility is not something I’ve ever been praised for having. I like to be successful in everything I attempt. Life has proven to me that this is clearly not realistic.
Because of my desire to achieve, change can be difficult and this year has taught me that I hate encountering things I’m not sure I’ll be good at. If I’m going to become the person I desire to be and have the life I want, it’s time to do those things anyway.
Last week I found myself sitting in my boss’ office doing something I hate more than conferences.
I don’t cry at work. I don’t really cry many places these days. And yet, tears were trekking their way down my cheek as I nervously told her my plans and difficulty I’d had in coming to the decision. “I know if I stay I’ll build something beautiful and deep that will change me and if I go I’ll explore the beautiful and deep and it will change me. Neither one is a bad choice,” I said, “a different life will just unfold from whichever path I take. I’ve never had the opportunity to choose between two good things.”
We shared a watery few minutes as we discussed my departure and the days ahead. Together we’ve built something special and though this chapter is concluding, the lessons I’ve learned have given me the courage to take this next step.
“You need to do this for you,” she said as she hugged me. “I’m proud of you.” When you make a decision that seems risky, its amazing how the people you love trust you enough to remind you of your own strength and capacity for the unknown.
I’ve healed enough to know I need to expand. I have no doubt this trip will give me many opportunities to do just that. So, here’s my plan: show up, do the work, find joy. I’m gonna get it done, Serena.
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