The Magic That Happens When We Stop Equating Pessimism With Realism
If you’ve ever known a “pessimist” (or consider yourself to be one) you may have heard pessimism equated with realism at some point or another. To make sure we’re all on the same page, let’s define each of these terms:
- Pessimism: an inclination to emphasize adverse aspects, conditions, and possibilities or to expect the worst possible outcome; a lack of hope or confidence in the future.
- Realism: the attitude or practice of accepting a situation as it is and being prepared to deal with it accordingly; concern for fact or reality and rejection of the impractical and visionary.
Now, you can see that there are obvious differences between the two. Pessimism involves looking at the world in a way that emphasizes negativity (think of the “glass half empty vs. half full” cliche), whereas, realism is more about truth and objectivity — not necessarily seeing a situation as bad, just seeing it as something to be dealt with.
So why do we often hear pessimists calling themselves “realists”? There may be a clue in the second part of our definition of realism: “rejection of the impractical and visionary.” Often society views “optimists” as silly visionaries who don’t have a realistic understanding of how the world works.
Let’s go ahead and define optimism:
- Optimism: a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.
I was a certified pessimist for over two decades and believed that my ability to see the negative side of everything was somehow a more accurate, or realistic representation of how life really was.
I would say things like, “Optimists are unrealistic because life is hard, so you can’t just ignore the negative!” And when you’re in a pessimistic frame of mind, it’s true: life is hard because you are perceiving the world through a lens of difficulty.
Where a pessimist sees a struggle, an optimist sees a challenge for growth. Where a pessimist sees complete failure or disappointment, an optimist sees at least one thing to be grateful for and a way to move forward. Where a pessimist tends to agonize over the future, an optimist approaches it with a sense of wonder and excitement.
I wore pessimism like a badge to be proud of because it allowed me to create expectations for the bad events that were bound to happen to me. And it was all a result of the emotional volatility I struggled with. I would let myself get so excited about something, that when it didn’t work out, I crashed into a proverbial rock bottom.
So, to protect myself from these heart-wrenching disappointments (as simple as a friend canceling plans on me), I went ahead and just expected nothing to work out so I wouldn’t be surprised or hurt when it didn’t. And thus, I called myself a realist.
And truthfully, it’s always a good practice to consider what could possibly go wrong in a situation, rather than ending up blindsided by a bad outcome.
Your Mind as a Scale
But I took it too far. For many years, I stacked rocks on the negative side of the scale in my brain. Every negative thought leads to the likelihood of continuing to think negatively. And what’s worse: once you’ve stacked that many negative rocks, having a positive or optimistic thought every once-in-a-while does little to disrupt the balance and shift you into a more positive state of mind…
…which is why it feels so difficult (or even impossible) to flip from being a pessimist to an optimist. Notice how I used the word “feels.” I’m not saying that it’s impossible. Because I’m living proof that it is.
I used to think that people were simply destined to be optimists or pessimists; that maybe their genetics influenced their likelihood to view the world in certain ways. Or, maybe it was their childhood socialization or trauma they experienced.
And it’s true, if we are born with tendencies toward anxiety or depression, or taught to view the world negatively by others, we’ve already got some rocks stacked on the negative side of the scale. We train our brains to expect negativity, which leads to anxiety, worry, disappointment, lack of confidence, and hopelessness. Because, even if you expect something not to work out ahead of time, you’re still going to probably dread and worry about the outcome.
But again, going back to our definitions of pessimism and realism, they are not the same. And equating them can help us validate why it’s better to stay in the negative mindset we’re in instead of making the effort to stack rocks on the positive side of the scale.
Having been a pessimist for the majority of my life, I firmly believe that optimism is always a better choice.
The word “optimism,” which came into use in the 18th century, comes from the Latin word “optimum,” meaning “best thing” or “the greater good.” It’s the idea that whatever situation is occurring is what’s for the best.
This, to me, sounds more like realism: objectively accepting whatever is happening.
In order to accept that something we view as “negative” is actually what’s for the best, there has to be some presence of positive thoughts or emotions, like gratitude, faith, and hope, which leads us to this concept of optimism.
Realistically, realism (see what I did there?) sits somewhere in-between pessimism and optimism. And whichever mindset you typically associate with frames your worldview and creates your reality. If you’re always looking for the worst in every situation, the worst becomes your true reality. If you’re always seeing the beauty in every situation, your reality becomes beautiful. So no matter what end you’re on, you probably think you’re a realist.
Changing Your Reality
Something magical happens when we shift our belief that pessimism is the same as realism. When we start to believe that whatever happens is actually what’s best, we open ourselves to feel those emotions of gratitude, faith, hope, and even joy.
So, how can we start stacking more rocks on the positive side of the scale? Here are 5 helpful tips and tricks:
#1: No matter how ridiculous it feels, attempt to justify something positive about every situation.
Example: Your friend canceled plans on you? Sweet! Now you have time set aside to engage in another activity that you truly love.
#2: Try not to let yourself get too hung up on the “principle” or “fairness” of a situation. Instead, see the situation objectively.
Example: Going off the previous example…Sure, we typically view canceling plans on someone as rude, or wrong, but so what? Ask yourself, “Am I actually upset, or do I feel like I should be upset on principle?” Often times, we can limit our negativity by moving past the principle of the matter.
#3: If you do start to have a negative or pessimistic thought, try to let it dissolve before additional negative thoughts spiral from that initial reaction.
Example: Let’s say you’re worried about a presentation you have to give at work tomorrow. You might tell yourself something like, “I’m going to totally bomb this thing.” Try to stop yourself before spiraling into additional thoughts like, “I’m going to make a fool of myself. It’s going to be so embarrassing. What if I get fired?” Because the more thoughts you think, the more rocks you stack.
#4: As cliche as this sounds, (especially with gratitude journals making an extreme comeback this past holiday season), waking up every day and writing down a few things you’re grateful for really does train your brain to look for things to be grateful for in every situation. It’s even better when you can find the tiniest, most comical things to be grateful for.
Examples (from my own journal this morning):
- I’m grateful for my steaming cup of coffee!
- I’m so grateful I remembered to wear my night guard last night, which prevents me from clenching my teeth and getting headaches throughout the day (lol)!
- I’m grateful for my new bedsheets! So comfy.
#5: Lastly, and what I’ve found to be most helpful in stacking rocks quickly, write down a list of present, positive affirmations, record yourself speaking them, and listen to them each day.
Example Affirmations:
- I’m filled with an abundance of gratitude, joy, and peace.
- I always think positively. I see beauty in every situation.
- I’m optimistic about the future and believe it holds brightness and prosperity.
Having tipped my scale from negativity to positivity, I really believe there’s magic when we let go of this idea that having a realistic view of the world means that we have to view things through a lens of pessimism.
Even though today I consider myself an optimist, I also still consider myself a realist. I’ve learned to accept situations for what they are, always meeting whatever happens with a sense of gratitude and hopefulness.
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