The Reality of Waiting for an Apology
When I first started going to therapy, I told my therapist, “I wish my mom would just say ‘I’m sorry.’”
I made the decision to seek help because years of my mom’s drug abuse had taken a toll on my mental health. I was ready to work through it.
I just wished my mom was. Like most addicts, my mom was good at denying and manipulating the truth. It was difficult to admit that she had a problem and that her addiction was not only affecting herself, but everyone around her. It was a coping mechanism for her. If she denied the problem and hid it, then nobody would know, and she would be safe.
I wanted her to recognize her behavior and apologize for the hurt she had inflicted.
My therapist was blunt. “That’s never going to happen.” She paused to study me. “If it did, would it really make a difference?”
My mom has actively abused drugs my whole life — and most of hers. It wasn’t until about four years ago that she tried to get sober. She quit seeing the doctor who would prescribe her whatever pharmaceutical drug she requested. She started to see a therapist. And she started truly talking to me.
We had a conversation about some of the things my mom went through when she was young and how it affected her. We talked about the things that she was struggling with in the present.
Then she did something I never expected. She apologized.
“I’m so sorry for everything I did to you guys.”
This was exactly what I had wanted, but the satisfaction I expected never came.
They Hurt Me, They Should Fix It.
I spent a long time waiting for my mom. Waiting for her to be honest, to stop using, to start healing, to recognize and rectify the consequences of her actions.
As soon as my mom apologized, everything would be okay. We could move forward. My hurt would finally ease.
How long have you been waiting for an apology?
In the process, we get trapped in our own thoughts and daydreams. The person who was mean to you in school will finally understand how their behavior hurt you and apologize. The person who broke your heart will say “I’m sorry.” Dad will realize his drinking problem wreaked havoc on your childhood. It would feel so good to get the acknowledgment that something is wrong.
The person you’re waiting for doesn’t move at the same pace as you. While you’re wanting to heal, they may not even be able to admit there was a problem in the first place.
You are putting the process of your own healing and growth on hold when you depend on someone else to ease the situation. Do you really want them to have the control? Or would you rather take ownership of your emotions and move forward?
Why is it so hard to say “I’m sorry”?
As nice as it would be to hear that it’s because they’re cruel and heartless, that’s not necessarily the case.
Sometimes people don’t know how. Finding the right moment or the right words seems near impossible, so it’s simpler to avoid it altogether.
Apologizing requires humility. “I’m sorry” is usually paired with feelings of shame. They’re admitting hurt; they’re admitting that their behavior was wrong. The shame that comes with that is too overwhelming. My mom couldn’t be honest about her actions for the longest time. With honesty came shame and she couldn’t possibly bear the weight of those negative emotions.
Expectations vs. Reality
I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer, so it was easy for me to imagine how that conversation with my mom would finally go. She would give me some type of excuse, or dismiss my feelings — as she usually did. Then I would lay out everything she did wrong and she would finally understand and apologize.
Maybe you’re doing the same thing. You’re hurt. So you spend your time dreaming of how that person would apologize to you. Maybe you could even turn that pain back around on them. It would feel satisfying, in a way, to see them feel an ounce of what they inflicted on you.
We have all of these expectations, but that’s why it’s called daydreaming. It’s not real. The person who hurt you is not reading from the same script that you crafted. The conversation is not going to match what’s in your head.
I thought I wanted my mom to feel remorse and hurt. I thought an apology would fix what happened. I thought that would make me feel better.
It didn’t.
A professional referenced an experience they had with one of their clients. He was attending therapy to work through the abuse he suffered by his mother. She joined him for one of his sessions and he poured his heart out to her. She acknowledged his pain, apologized, and asked if he could let go of his anger so they could move forward.
While the conversation went well, he felt like his feelings had been dismissed. He didn’t feel closure. Then he realized what the problem was — he wanted her to feel remorse. He wanted a visceral reaction that matched his pain and expectations.
Reality doesn’t always play out the way you want it to.
One study showed that an imagined apology feels much better than a real-time apology. This suggests that we’re not actually very good at understanding what resolves a conflict. Reality doesn’t match the satisfaction of our imaginations.
Would an apology actually make you feel better? Who knows.
Moving On with Forgiveness
You don’t know when you’re going to receive that apology — if at all. You don’t have to put your healing on hold to wait for somebody else to fix the problem.
You are in control of your emotions and your growth. You can choose to forgive.
Forgiveness does not mean that the person who hurt you is no longer accountable for what they did. It also doesn’t require that you forget the situation ever happened. You don’t have to tell that person that you forgive them.
Forgiveness, rather, is sitting down and accepting what happened and that it’s done. It’s an acknowledgment of the past and how it’s affected you and your growth. This involves a willingness to let go of the anger and bitterness and allowing yourself to be happy.
You may not be ready to let go of harsh feelings, and that’s okay. Nobody can decide that for you.
But you do have to ask yourself, are you holding yourself back?
Are you ready to let go and claim happiness for yourself?
