The Secret of Communication Through Journaling
If your relationship needs communication, try this new approach
My partner has shown me that indirect communication can still be strong communication
“Close your eyes,” she said excitedly. “I know it’s not Valentine’s yet, but I’m too excited.”
A smile stretched across my face as I closed my eyes and waited patiently. My girlfriend, sitting across from me, bouncing with excitement, eagerly placed something in my hands.
A leather book? I looked down.
Her journal.
Not just any journal. The journal my partner was using when we first started dating. A collection of her thoughts and memories from the earliest days of our then-blossoming relationship.
Excitement welled up inside me as I explored the pages. The evening unfolded with glasses of wine and a fond stroll down some of the earliest memories we shared. There was a month’s worth of written entries before journaling faded slowly away from the daily schedule.
We poured over the entries, talking and laughing through the words. My partner’s only regret was that she hadn’t kept going with her entries, mine was that I didn’t have a journal to offer back in return.
By the next day, we both had personal journals, plus a dedicated couples journal containing questions and writing prompts that we both answer.
If there has been one single change made that has left the most significant impact on my relationship, this is it.
Breaking the communication barrier
In the early months of our relationship, I felt like communication was lacking. I stressed about it regularly, and often my over-thinking only made it worse.
By worrying about a small and fixable problem, I made it worse within our relationship.
I felt that she wasn’t communicating the same way, or as often, as I was. Everything I tried seemed only to make it worse and addressing it seemed only to encourage her to avoid the topic more vehemently.
This is because not everyone appreciates direct communication. And that’s okay.
My partner has shown me that indirect communication can still be strong communication, something I never understood until now.
When we are looking back on the things we have been through, it is more comfortable and more natural for us to maintain a learning state of mind, not a combative one.
Journaling has given my partner a place in our relationship to open up to me comfortably
We journal every evening, usually together before we go to bed. We document our day together, write down things that are bothering us, let out our thoughts, or write about our future plans.
We don’t discuss what we are writing at that moment, and we spend time together quietly thinking and writing. It’s a safe, creative space that encourages authenticly putting down thoughts and feelings on paper.
On the first Sunday of every month, we open the journals and share entries with each other from the past four weeks.
I could never have anticipated how much it would help our relationship.
Journaling into the conversation
Reviewing entries has become a fantastic communication hack for us for one key reason.
Writing while knowing that your partner will read them in a month lets you voice your authentic thoughts knowing that when they are read, the moment will be well in the past.
There are things in every relationship that need to be said, but it might be challenging to bring up. It may have been something you two disagreed on, or it could be something completely random that you don’t know how to bring up.
Sometimes raw emotions make the situation impossible to approach, the heightened feelings creating more negativity than was initially warranted.
Journaling gives you an outlet for those types of communications.
Talking through my thoughts on paper helps my partner understand where I am coming from without it feeling directed at her. Because it isn’t. It’s merely me addressing my own thoughts and feelings out loud. Hearing her do the same grants me new understandings, while the absence of direct accusations maintains a thoughtful atmosphere.
When we are looking back and reading about the things we have been through, it is more relaxed and more natural for us to maintain a learning state of mind, not a combative one.
Documenting to learn, learning to communicate
Most importantly, I write to establish patterns.
When you and your partner go back and look over thirty journal entries together, it’s much easier to notice patterns of behavior. Something you see every day may slip into the background of your mind, but when your partner shares their entries, and the same thing comes up in almost every single one, it’s harder to miss.
Even more significant than that, I have noticed my partner communicating more openly in more ways since journaling.
Although her preferred style is still indirect, journal sharing seems to have given her more courage and confidence to open up to me. It’s common now for me to come home from work to find her with a long note written in her Notes app of things she wanted to tell me through the day. She’ll write notes down for me on paper, and she texts me more often as well.
Journaling has given her a place in our relationship to open up to me comfortably. Indirect, yes. But open, honest, frequent, and reliable.
Communication comes in many forms. I am learning that one’s style is not nearly as important as one’s intent and effort. Communication keeps you both on the same page, working as a team, learning and growing together.
