The Secret to Happiness Lies in Forgetting the Damn Red Sports Car
It can easily be replaced by a cup of coffee at the right place.
Three years back things were different. I was about to graduate from high-school, simultaneously doing some business. Given the fact that I had ambitions galore, I set myself a clear goal — I wanted to be a dollar millionaire before I reached the age of 25. On top of that, I shared my goal with all of my closest friends in order to attach more weight to it. However, this did not help. On the eagerly anticipated 25th birthday I did not have a 6-figure sum on my account, nor was there a red sports car to be seen in my garage. Well, I even did not have the latter, but I did manage to obtain something else. I came to realize that I needed nothing of the stuff mentioned above.
The “million before 25th birthday” idea was dubious. It was reminiscent of a tantalizing carrot. It was my guide that would justify my long overtime hours, crazy schedule with zero days-off and effectively no free time. At times the carrot principle worked, but with my approaching the age of 25 its role changed in a smooth fashion. It turned into the cause of all my misery and anxiety.
At the age of 24, or thereabouts, I hit upon the idea that the “million” goal was unachievable, especially after my friendship with a business partner came to an abrupt end, which saw our business bite the dust. I was left with no opportunity whatsoever to magically multiply my income. Did I know at all how to do it? The answer is no, but before we lost our internet-shop there was at least a slight chance of making my goal come true. Now, I did not have anything.
My fiasco was obvious. Nevertheless, I was pretending as if nothing was going on. Moreover, whenever the opportunity presented itself, I would remind my friends about my intention of obtaining the much coveted sum until the day X. That goal of mine was unfeasible but for some reason I kept chanting the same mantra on and on, digging a hole for myself even deeper. I guess somewhere deep in my heart I was still hoping to persuade the Universe of my unwise and sheer stubbornness. Well, it would have definitely taken pity on me and put a check for one million dollars under my pillow, just as an exception, for I am worth it.
However, this did not come to pass, and I was feeling worse and worse.
The cause of all the suffering lies in setting unreal goals
That’s how inflated expectations, which are happiness’ sworn enemy, work. It happens when you take something out of sweet dreams, put it to the test of reality and proudly proclaim that you won’t go for anything else in a world. Nonetheless, dreams and reality belong to totally different realms that never meet. As a result, one’s dreams do not come true, making a person feel dissatisfied.
To admit that your expectations were inflated is tantamount to admitting that there is something you are not worth, which, in turn, will lead you to feel dissatisfaction. We wind up in a vicious circle full of negative feelings. Inside this circle there is a human being that simply wanted a better life.
The problem of inflated expectations was addressed by Yuval Noah Harari. Here is what he writes in his book “Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind”.
But the most important finding of all is that happiness does not really depend on objective conditions of either wealth, health or even community. Rather, it depends on the correlation between objective conditions and subjective expectations. If you want a bullock-cart and get a bullock-cart, you are content. If you want a brand-new Ferrari and get only a second-hand Fiat you feel deprived.
If an idea seems too unreal, simply abandon it. Forget about the damn sports car. Spiritual torments caused by an impossibility to reach a goal are not worth this very goal. This is the first step to happiness.
The road to happiness is an endless checklist
To abandon inflated expectations and replace them with something else is feasible. First, I want to give you an example. Let’s take a look at the following analogy: we all have our own path to follow. At the end of it, everyone will be rewarded with their own kind of success. Let’s imagine it as a sports car, the sheer look at which takes our breath away. You crave it, you think about it. However, you are at the very beginning of your path.
Inflated expectations form this long distance between your current location and your destination. You can’t stretch out your hands and touch it, even if you take a big leap. Hence, you end up feeling upset.
I can’t help citing yet another sentence from Harari’s book.
Being satisfied with what you already have is far more important than getting more of what you want.
However, you have to move forward, which is why your approach should be changed. The second step towards happiness lies in trimming the distance off between yourself and goals. The latter should be replaced with realistic ones. Feel the difference: instead of thoughts about the magic way of wangling a million dollars, I am now more concentrated on minor goals that might lead me to it. For example, I can finish writing this article, attract one thousand subscribers on Medium, get accepted to big Medium in-house publications. I also have to get my MacBook updated, which is my main working tool. On top of that, I can make yet another trip in October to gain new experience.
All these goals are relatively short-term and real. By achieving them I will be able to check them off my virtual list and feel motivated to move forward. This is not the sports car that you will have to be waiting for for God knows how many years to come, while its absence will at the same time be eating away at you.
The satisfaction you get after completion of small goals will take you one more step closer to happiness. It will give you the feeling of progress and development. It will free you from all the thoughts about time being spent unproductively or in vain.
Think about what might suit you. Go for a freelance project that you will be able to pride yourself on. Read the books recommended by your close friend. Film yourself dancing and upload the video on the internet, in case you’ve always wanted to do that. The more realistic goals you have on the list, the better.
Find joy at any time and place
Now, we don’t get upset on level ground. In fact, we can take delight in fulfilling intermediate goals. Our existence takes a new meaning. You are happy and enjoy yourself. However, this is not the end yet.
The next level is about deriving pleasure from the process itself, i.e. from life. This is the very opposite to the initial position, when too high a goal made us feel dissatisfied even in the sunniest of mornings. Here it is about rejecting the goal. We are filled with the same feelings that are evoked by the completion of short-term goals without them being actually completed.
We get something of a source of an infinite joy, which may be found inside of every human being, except that not everyone has access to it.
The main difficulty inherent to this level lies in the fact that there is no universal way of unlocking it. Every person has their own key to it with all the unique components and proportions.
I discovered my own formula not long ago. To experience a gasp of delight without any obvious reason I only had to watch the sun go down. I would head to the seafront thirty minutes before the twilight sets in, buy a cup of flat-white in a nearby café and stop to drink it right in front of the setting sun. My earphones would play Frank Sinatra’s “That’s life”, which helped me feel the moment and comprehend its beauty.
I thought of quitting, baby,
but my heart just ain’t gonna buy it.
In these moments I can’t bring myself to think of millions, cars or anything of the kind. Normally, my thoughts are driven away by goose bumps on my arms and comprehension of how good it is to be living. I don’t need anything, for I already have everything.
To find the source of joy on ground level is a splendid thing to do. It might be surpassed only by the grasping of the fact that you do and will have access to it at any time. Even if I am given the sack or have bad luck in any of my other endeavors, I will always be able to wait for the sun to go down and enjoy my favorite track one more time while drinking a cup of coffee. No one can take it from me, which means the joy will go on forever. That’s what they call happiness.
In the end, we have not the most complex recipe for the best thing imaginable on this planet. We don’t think about grand or too distant goals, we replace them with smaller and more realistic ones. We then go on to complete them and feel the progress and fullness of our lives. Finally, we learn to get a kick out of things at any given minute with no apparent reason. This is my recipe for happiness. It takes root from the forced decision to abandon the idea of having the red sports car.
In conclusion, I would like to bring up a funny thing — I am still 25, but I did manage to earn my first million a short while ago. This is not a million of dollars, nor is it a large wad of money. It’s the money I’ve made in the course of several years. It is worth mentioning that this money is in national currency that is way cheaper than American dollars. I’ve spent the bigger part of it, but there is a feeling of an accomplishment nonetheless. Does it make me feel happy? Well, maybe for several minutes. Life goes on, it has not changed much. Somehow I have this suspicion that one million dollars will not change it either.
It doesn’t matter any longer, though.
