The State of Me

Brian Brewington
Aug 8, 2017 · 3 min read

I am quietly rebuilding and recovering. I am so far from who I used to be and even further from the person I strive to be.

I have learned invaluable lessons from all of the resulting pain of my bad decisions, indecision and every single time I simply failed to act.

I am overcoming all of my defects and shortcomings on a daily basis.

The anger in me that once seemed to consume me entirely has slowly subsided to the point of obscurity.

The fear that once debilitated me has been replaced with a genuine excitement for life and the uncertainty of the day in front of me.

I’m still hurting but I’m healing. I’ve forgiven, just not forgotten. I’m not focused on paybacks today but I’m still due back pay. I will find a way to collect every debt ever owed to me and it has nothing to do with money.

More importantly, I’m working on settling up with all of the people I owe more to than I’d ever be able to repay in five lifetimes. People who paid me in loyalty and didn’t walk away when doing so was trending.

Those who helped me when I couldn’t help myself and who carried me the rest of the way when I was certain I was done and had lost my desire to move forward.

My inaction was motivated by resistance, self sabotage as well as the deepest of irrational and invalidated fears.

It’s hard to have much left to fear after you’ve lost everything you’ve worked towards and cared about, watched those you love walk out for good, have been disowned by people you would have died for, only to literally die and come back from it all.

It wasn’t almost losing my life that made me grateful for a second chance at one but instead, truly looking at the life I was living and realizing it was never even living at all.

That is the day I’m most grateful for.

The day I realized my own happiness was in my hands and always had been.

Part of me wants to reside in perpetual chaos because that’s what I know and it’s where I’ve always tended to thrive.

There is a side of me that hates the quiet life it’s taking me an entire lifetime to create.

A side in which seeks to sabotage the serenity and success i’ve finally managed to find.

One that wants to live in his own dark world and that his doubts, fears and defects reign supremely over.

Listen. I’m so far from having it all figured out but what I did manage to do today was actually live in the present day rather than ponder what would have happened if I had made a different decision ten years ago.

Or what could happen if I don’t do that thing I’ve been meaning to do.

The state of me is surprisingly solid today, despite the walls that may be crumbling around me.

The foundation is pure and is built to last. Trust me, I’ve seen what has unsuccessfully tried to take it out. I know what it’s made of.

It must be pure fucking titanium iron or some form of impenetrable steel because despite an immense amount of pain, more funerals than I care to recall, a book full of heartbreak and just the weight of everyday living, the state of me is better than it’s ever been and there is nothing anyone in this world could say or do to change that.

The Ascent

A community of storytellers documenting the journey to happiness & fulfillment.

Brian Brewington

Written by

Writing About the Human Condition, via My Thoughts, Observations, Experiences, and Opinions — Founder of Journal of Journeys and BRB INC ©

The Ascent

A community of storytellers documenting the journey to happiness & fulfillment.

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