There Is Hope For the Socially Awkward
Being socially awkward is not a life sentence, it is an opportunity.
Sombrero’s are Awkward.
On a mild, October day I was invited out to eat by a group from college after class let out. I was incredibly nervous, as the group was going to be ten or more, but I chose to go anyway.
The group was diverse and friendly and carried on in a lively conversation. I even added my voice to it from time to time. Some in the group who had October birthdays were crowned with the “birthday sombrero” as servers gathered around to sing them the birthday song. They seemed to have fun with it and enjoy the attention and fun.
But then some in the group found out October was my birth month, and for me, the fun quickly turned to embarrassment.
One in the group went off to inform the servers and ready the hat and song. Without trying to appear unfriendly I urged them not to, but the plans continued.
I panicked.
I handed my card to another in the group to pay my bill and rushed to the restroom until the threat of embarrassment subsided.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was only a few minutes, I awkwardly returned to the group. Some in the group apologized, others seemed confused at my actions. I also apologized and tried to explain why I left so abruptly.
That day further uncovered a not-so-well hidden secret. I had been socially awkward.
Change is Awkward.
Have you ever felt a little “off” socially? Maybe everybody around you “gets” things you don’t, or others flow in the river of conversation while you seem to drown. I get it. I’ve felt these things many times, sometimes still do.
You aren’t alone if you feel this way. And if this is you I’m here to give you good news:
Being socially awkward isn’t a life sentence.
It has been a long twelve years since that October day. I’m not proud of those stories from my past, but I’m glad now that I can use them to help others do something else that is awkward: change.
It’s not impossible, but it is hard. It doesn’t have to take a lifetime, but it is a process. And it isn’t normal, because change is…well, awkward.
Healing is Awkward.
In order to grow, you have to have healthy roots. Any gardener or farmer can tell you that. But what happens when you keep a plant in a pot that is too small? Or don’t water it correctly? Or don’t have enough nutrients in the soil? Or let a plant go wild without good pruning? The scenarios are endless.
Discovering the “why’s” in your life can help you work backward to find those areas you need to heal. In some cases, people are socially awkward because of trauma, neglect, bad experiences, bad choices, addictions, etc. If this is your story, the beginning point is pinpointing that hurt and healing from it.
It is highly recommended for these types of wounds to seek out counselors, mentors, pastors, support groups, solid friends, etc., to help walk you through this process. Mainly because the process in these instances can be different.
I can speak from personal experience that healing from past stuff is hard. It’s painful. It takes time. It’s super awkward.
But I will tell you without a doubt that it is worth all the pain, all the time, and all the awkwardness when you are finally able to step out into the other side and breathe the free air.
Life is Awkward.
I watched a movie recently called Adopt a Highway. In the movie, a man was released from a prison in California after over twenty years behind bars and into a more modern world that he hardly knew how to operate in.
The man struggled for a while until one night, after finding a baby abandoned in a dumpster behind his work, his life began to change.
Instead of reporting the incident, he struggles to care for the child for a few days as best he can. The man is forced to grow as he cares for the baby, all the while his awkwardness is on full display.
The baby is later turned over to authorities as suspicion mounts over the man’s involvement and past convictions. He panics and takes a bus to his hometown in Wyoming where he visits the graveyard of his parents to help come to terms with the “failures” in his past.
He then remembers the key to a lockbox that his father mailed to him. In the lockbox at a local bank was a letter from his father full of encouragement and acceptance. His father had extended love even to the last and regardless of his son’s mistakes had never given up on him. His father’s blessing spurred him on and gave him strength to keep going.
The letter also had a key to a storage unit filled with valuables he could sell to begin a fresh start in life. Instead of using the money just for himself, the man used part of that money to set up a trust fund for the abandoned baby for when she became an adult.
Growing is Awkward.
“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.” — Walt Disney
I could relate in some ways to the main character, although not nearly to his level. I used to think of my awkwardness around others as a weakness and failure. But I came to realize that instead, it is an opportunity and challenge to grow. And when I did, I found I had something special to contribute to those around me.
We all find ourselves in different situations and we all have faced our own unique struggles in life. Most of the time we aren’t in control of what happens to us. But we can be in control of our responses and actions. We can choose to grow if we want.
For me, it comes down to a choice. Every day I am faced with a choice to grow or to remain content with who I was yesterday.
To the socially awkward, it can be hard to make some choices, but they are important for growth to occur. Choices such as:
- Do I stay home, or go to that event?
- Do I stay silent in a group, or be a part of discussions?
- Do I stick to what I’m good at, or try a new social activity?
If you continue to make wise, growth choices the change will come, even if it’s little by little. Your growth may even eventually become a blessing to someone who needs help down the road. But we won’t be ready for that coming day if we don’t begin to grow today.
Learning is Awkward.
In many cases being socially awkward has more to do with what we have learned, or failed to learn, during your lifetime. It’s the little things like mannerisms, social politeness, social cues, etc. that come easy to those who have practiced them but can feel like visiting a foreign country to those who haven’t.
Many of these “social rules” are never spoken or discussed in the pool of social conversations. They are often “caught”, instead of “taught”, so the only way to learn how to swim in these situations is to keep getting in the water. This is hard for some and will be awkward at first, but over time with a patient and understanding group “social rules” can be learned.
People are Awkward.
Socially awkward people need to interact with others in order to grow. The problem is every group is made up of individuals, and every individual is fashioned and crafted differently. We think differently, have different personalities and habits, and the list of differences goes on.
But over time as groups interact more commonalities are found and enable different people to connect more. If you feel awkward in conversation then finding commonalities is a good starting point to good interaction. Mainly because if you are genuinely interested in something it will make it easier to share that with others.
If you lack good friendships or need an easy starting point, practicing better social habits with your family is a good place. Strong, healthy families are the backbone of any society so it is important to develop strong bonds there first. But don’t limit yourself to just family, as some of our social awkwardness may have originated from our families. If this is your case, then it could be an opportunity for your whole family to grow.
To the majority, connecting or reconnecting with family is possible. But to a small few, connecting with family isn’t an option. The good news is you can start building a community to overcome awkwardness where you are. Here are some examples of ways to get together with others:
- Hobby and interest-based groups
- Support groups
- Community sport groups
- Churches, synagogues, etc.
- College or skill-development classes
- Conferences and festivals
A couple of options I left off my list are bars and social groups with no activities. I’m sure there are more to add to this list also.
The personal development changes you are aiming to grow in are done best without chemically altering your brain. Although alcohol can take the “edge” off awkwardness, it can also handicap your progress by taking the “edge” off your wits. The small, often nuanced social cues are easy to miss, and can be hard to learn if you don’t have your focus.
Unless you want to dive into the deep end straight off, I would steer clear of social gatherings that don’t connect with activities. Standing around mingling with strangers may seem enjoyable to some, but to the socially awkward and especially to introverts it sounds more like a torture chamber. Doing activities you enjoy will make socializing much more enjoyable.
Conclusions are Awkward.
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” -Proverb
Often when faced with the need to change it is easy to get into the blame game. The “I’m this way because” kind of blame will not help you, even if it is correct. Instead, begin with the “this is where I’m at, but I want to grow” attitude.
Own where you are at. When you take the mindset of an owner, you treat what you manage differently. You begin to feel a deep, vested interest in bettering yourself. You consider your growth and actions an investment in your future.
When you blame and pass ownership, you take the mindset of an employee. You begin to see your problems as “someone else’s problems” and in a real way abdicate the responsibility of taking control over your life. Life begins to “happen” to you instead of making things “happen”.
The differences are huge. The difference in the outcomes of these mindsets will also be huge. So I guess it all boils down to two questions.
- What kind of person do you want to be tomorrow?
- Are you willing to own where you are at in order to get there?
Your answers to these two questions can begin that process.
Keep it up. There is always hope.
