I was desperate for love. I danced right past red flags and thought sex would make people love me. (It didn’t work.) I was both clingy and terrified of emotions and affection.
I had an anxious-avoidant attachment, and I thought love meant emotional ups and downs. I had a bad habit of attracting people in relationships or people who were recently single.
After a while, you start to wonder what’s wrong with you.
“Why can’t they just love me?” you ask yourself, tears rolling down your cheeks. You blame yourself for not being patient enough, or for asking ‘what are we?’ and freaking them out.
If you can lure them back in, you feel relieved.
But the same pattern emerges between you, and you’re left crying alone again in your bedroom. You might keep trying to win the person back again because it worked the first time.
Yet when you meet and date a secure person, something just doesn’t feel quite right. Despite the fact they’re comfortable with emotions, don’t play games and don’t keep you guessing…
You still can’t up your finger on this something.
Well, it’s likely not them… It’s you.
Your brain tricking you, don’t fall for it if you want a secure relationship.
Here’s why dating a secure person feels boring………..
You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships
“Mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness … even for people who love each other greatly.” — Amir Levine
When you’ve got two insecurely attached people in a relationship, it creates an addictive pattern.
Let’s say you’ve got an avoidant person and an anxious person, and they’re dating.
- Anxious person — They want the avoidant person to reassure them and show them they care. Anxiously attached people often have low-self esteem and fear abandonment by their partner.
- Avoidant person — They don’t like emotional displays because they feel overwhelmed by them. They might begin pulling away from the anxious person and use excuses to avoid them.
In this situation, the anxious person might begin feeling like they’ve done something wrong. Their heart rate goes up; they might feel sweaty and stressed out.
They grab their phone and write a long message to the person. They’re breathing rapidly, and they’re nervous about sending the text.
They just want to fix what they’ve done and make things ‘right’ again. Maybe they try and use sex to do this, I did.
Amir Levine said:
“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.”
And if the avoidant person replies or tries to get in touch again, the anxious person feels relieved.
Endorphins rush through their body and brain. The pain in their stomach dissolves, “phew,” they let out a sigh.
It’s like a heroin user getting their fix.
Only this time, the anxious person will walk on eggshells. They’ll stuff their wants and needs down.
It always comes back up again, though, which scares the other person away. And the pattern repeats itself until one person backs away for good.
Dating A Secure Person Feels Like You’re Going Cold Turkey
“You are absolutely worthy of love. You are made of love and you don’t need someone to trigger you into it by their unavailability.” — Damien Bohler
When you’re used to the toxic and high arousal of insecure relationships, secure people won’t give you that addictive hit. Secure people:
- Don’t play games
- Know what they want, and they will tell you
- Won’t push you away if you open up to them
- Aren’t codependent
- Aren’t afraid of talking about their feelings with you.
This can be terrifying for an insecurely attached person.
I remember when I first met my partner, I thought she was so lovely and sweet, but it shocked my nervous system.
Even though I had worked on my attachment and was pretty close to being securely attached, I still had to iron out a few kinks.
She was predictable and didn’t ignore me. She was honest with how she felt about me from the start.
I cried on our second, third, and fourth dates.
I was overwhelmed and starved of the emotional ups and downs I was used to. My brain was likely weaning off the subconscious addiction I had to drama.
- When you’ve been used to rollercoaster relationships your whole life, something predictable and stable shocks you.
- You might believe there’s no connection between you and the secure person because they don’t trigger the rush you’re used to.
- You may want to run and go back to someone who clings on or pushes away because you think this is passion and love.
It’s not passion. It’s insecure attachment.
Stop! Don’t Jump Ship Yet
“In short, secure attachment is attunement. It reflects a positive-enough environment that creates and engenders basic trust.” — Diane Poole Heller
If you’re dating someone secure, the insecure part of you might feel tempted to hightail it. If you feel there’s no connection there, ask yourself:
Is this predictability activating my insecure attachment?
If you persevere and push through the discomfort, you’ll soon learn if it is insecure attachment or if you genuinely don’t have a connection.
It’s important to remember you’ve been used to ups and downs, and it might feel uncomfortable at first dating someone secure.
You might think your connection is dull and lacking passion. Here’s what a secure relationship looks like:
- Healthy, secure relationships won’t give you emotional whiplash.
- There’s a sense of trust and respect for each other.
- You both are comfortable hanging out with friends separately and doing your own thing.
- Showing each other love and affection is easy.
Dianne Pool Heller rightly said:
“As we familiarize ourself more with secure attachment, our relationships become easier and more rewarding — we’re less reactive, more receptive, more available for connection, healthier, and much more likely to bring out the securely attached tendencies in others.”
When your partner models to you what a healthy attachment style is, you tend to follow suit. Even better if you can work on yourself too.
I’m glad I didn’t bail on my partner when I felt overwhelmed, because I wouldn’t have learned what a stable relationship is.
Insecurely attached relationships can feel addictive, which makes dating securely attached people feel boring. The truth is, they’re not boring.
Secure people have a healthy attachment, which makes it easy for them to share love and be open with you.
If you feel bored dating someone with secure attachment, you need to ask yourself if it’s them or if it’s your insecure attachment getting activated.
Securely attached relationships can be highly rewarding when you go from having an insecure attachment to having a secure attachment in a relationship — your world changes.
You feel comfortable within yourself, and it makes having a loving, stable relationship easy.
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© Kathrine Meraki