Trust: Agreement Versus Expectations — What You Should Know
Have you ever had one of those conversations where you’re providing guidance or advice to somebody, and what comes out of your mouth is way too good to really be coming from you? Do you believe in inspiration and intuition? I do, because I see it often when I’m mentoring my clients. I’ve had so many experiences show up where, even though I’m speaking, I’m learning at the same time that my client is.
This happened to me yesterday with a client that I’ve been coaching for over a year now (which is unusual for me. Normally, I coach for 6–9 months, then they’re good to go).
My client brought up the fact that one of her family members has broken her trust. She explained how, when my client was gravely ill, her sister wasn’t understanding to her situation and had zero compassion.
This is where the inspiration hit me.
In my mentoring, one of the principles I share is expectation versus agreement, but I had never tied both of them into trust.
Zenpowerment principle: Powerful people live in agreement.
If I have an expectation on somebody, but it isn’t agreed to by the other person, it is a setup for failure.
When I have an agreement, it is a formula for success. Most of the time, these agreements are in writing (even between family members, if they’re important enough), because our memories are not reliable. The agreement is clearly stated (clarity is power), and both sides agree to it. There may even be a carrot or stick applied to the agreement (a carrot/reward when the agreement is fulfilled, or a stick/penalty if the agreement is broken).
If there is an agreement, and a person breaks the agreement, there can be a lack of trust. If I loan you $1,000 and you agree to pay me back, and don’t, it’s pretty clear that trust has been broken.
If I have an expectation on somebody, and they don’t fulfill my expectation, it is not a breaking of trust. It is my own fault for having that expectation.
When we create an expectation and attach to it, most of the time, it just causes us misery.
Just because we create an expectation that a person should behave in a certain manner, or that things should turn out a certain way, doesn’t mean they should or will.
If I believe you should behave in a certain way, I’m using my yardstick to measure your life. You have your own yardstick. I have no right to place an expectation on you. Honestly, I have no idea what you’re going through.
When we live in agreement, trust can be broken.
When we live in expectation, trust cannot be broken.
The cool thing about this is that we have total control for our expectations, so we have the power to take responsibility for them, instead of blaming the other person for ‘breaking our trust’. It’s a much more powerful place to stand.
Expectations are funny things, because it’s a common habit to create them. It’s like we believe we are magic and can tell the future. Buddha said that attachment is the root of all suffering. If we apply this to expectations, we are attaching to an idea about how something should turn out in the future. When it doesn’t happen, it creates suffering. Non-attachment is the way to go.
After I had this conversation with my client, I could see her face light up. It was like this huge burden had been lifted from her. She didn’t have to carry this burden towards her sister for ‘breaking her trust’. All she needed to do was take responsibility for her expectation, and let it go.
When we take full accountability for our lives, we stand in a place of power.
