Unsolicited Social Coaching
One of the side effects of having Asperger’s Syndrome or any noticeable disorder, for that matter, is that often others will offer unsolicited “advice” in some sort of attempt to “help” the person with the disorder be more “normal”. This has happened to me countless times through out my life. It has always been the same old scene. Some one will offer me completely unsolicited advice that if I only did this or that it would help me fit in better with the crowd and appear more “normal”. As if I am broken and need “fixed”. Sometimes said person will do it out in the middle of an event and in front of everyone else without any bit of discretion. Other times it has taken a far more subtle approach. Once someone approached my ex-wife and said “You know, if only Michael were like so-and-so his life would be so much better.”
YES! I can be very awkward at times. YES! I am fully aware of just how awkward I can be in certain social settings. YES! I work hard to decrease the awkwardness and thus be less embarrassing to myself and others as much as I can! NO! Your pointing out to me how to be less awkward will not do much to help the situation and could possibly make it worse.
The problem with the scenes described above are they are the epitome of being condescending and belittling. IF I wanted your advice on how to handle or behave in a situation, don’t you think that I would come to you and ask you? I may be challenged in some areas, but I am far from stupid. Secondly, what gives you the right to pass judgment on me such that you feel the need to try to help “fix” me? I understand that the person who offers such social coaching does not mean to be belittling and embarrassing and actually thinks they are helping the situation, but most of the time the opposite is the effect. I get that it is almost never done out of malice. However, after almost 45 years of life, I am beyond sick of people coming along offering unsolicited advice as if I was just sitting there thinking “You know, I wonder what so and so thinks of this situation and how I should handle it? I so hope they will tell me without my having to ask…” No, that is never the case. I am never thinking that. Further more, by doing such a condescending thing, the person offering the advice more than likely just made a situation which is likely uncomfortable for me even more uncomfortable. After all, how do you react to such unsolicited social coaching in a graceful manner? What am I supposed to say? Yeah, I will get on that immediately…?
Believe me when I tell you that there are plenty of things that I am working on improving the way I do. Whatever someone brings to me in a moment of unsolicited social coaching I am most probably already fully aware of and I am already probably working on it. So please, spare me and every other person on the spectrum the embarrassment and condescension.
