Wake Up to Nothing and Everything: My Story as a Brain Damage Survivor

I was born after a dreadful accident. Not before it. Born in a family with lots of problems had made me a depressed and anxious person. I used to take tranquilizers when I was 13. When I read my diaries from then I cannot believe that I could survive that amount of pain without killing myself. So I tend to forget every detail from my past until that Thursday. It was exactly this day that I’m writing! I had an accident on a busy street. My memory from that day and days after is gone. I just remember the time I woke up in the hospital and asked why am I here?

I found myself with nothing. I was in pain and vulnerable. I stayed at home for two months. I was shaking all the time and my brain abilities regarding smelling, memorizing and learning were damaged. I had upcoming university exams too.

I started reading my books with that hideous headaches. I told myself you have been strong from many years and this shouldn't make you a weak person. But every unreal optimistic thought, once reveals its falseness. I fell down and stood up too many times until I could go out alone. I went to work when everyone told me not to. But I couldn't stand one day at home. Workdays passed day by day till now. Sometimes I come home crying what I have done to deserve such pain. On the contrary some days I am so happy. I rented my own place just a few months later. I started learning to pay my bills and groceries. It was hard at first. There were some days I wished I was dead in that accident but I could survive another day, month, and year.

Later I was not satisfied with my job. That job was something I had to do to pay my bills and dues. The place where I worked and people whom I had interaction with were a nightmare. In the morning I didn't want to leave home and when I came back I was so damn tired that I couldn't even cook to feed myself. I needed another intervention with myself. I had to resign and look for a new job. But I needed courage just like when I first went out alone after the accident or when I rented my own place.

It was the time. I stopped meaningless thoughts and started to look for a new job. It took 3 months to finally find a place that best suited my abilities and expectations. During that time I spent from my savings and had a lot of conflicts. The only thing that soothed me was thinking about the future. I knew at the end something extraordinary was waiting for me. Just like now. Just like any other hard days ahead. Because I was born a fighter. I fight for my life. And that is everything that I have!