Want to learn how to handle social pressure? Ask for a 15% discount.
How asking this simple question helped me handle rejection and build resilience
I looked the barista dead in the eye.
Days of thinking and methodical PLANNING had led to this moment. I had rehearsed the question over and over again in my head. At this point, I knew it backwards and forwards. It was a simple question:
“Can I get 15% off on that?”
I’m sure you’re probably thinking…
Huh?!
Let me explain. I have learnt the subtleties and assumptions behind rejection and social pressure because of this question. Asking it on a daily basis gave me the courage, and ability, to validate an idea for a fully-funded Kickstarter project; simply by asking random strangers on a bus to judge my prototype.
In this post I’ll describe how this question:
- Helped me develop concrete habits of dealing with social pressure and the fear of rejection
- Led to an increased understanding of social pressure
Brief Background
The question comes from the coffee challenge created by Noah Kagan — an entrepreneur.
The basic premise of the challenge is to go into a coffee shop, grocery shop, or any other shop/restaurant and order something. It seems simple, but there’s a catch — you have to ask for a 15% discount.
At face value this seems pretty flimsy. Anyone can ask for a discount. But it is tough. Very very tough.
You see — there are some things that you just DON’T do:
- Looking people in the eye when you’re sitting on the bus
- playing music out loud in a public space
- Asking for discounts at a coffee shop
It’ just not done… BUT why?
The answer to that quirky-question is:
Social Pressure
Solomon Asch, one of the early pioneers in studying social pressure and conformity, conducted a study in 1951 to examine the effects of group pressure on the modification and distortion of judgement.
He recruited 50 male students from Swarthmore College to participate in a “vision” test for this study. These students thought they were coming in to check their eyes. Let’s go through how this experiment played out for Bob — our imaginary buddy who took the test.
Bob’s Tale
Bob opened the door…
7 other students were seated in the dimly-lit room. All of them were sitting in a horizontal line facing a projector screen that was blank. Bob sat down in the empty seat at the end of the line.
The projector screen came to life, and the following image was shown.
Each person in that room, starting from the opposite end of where Bob was sitting, had to shout out which line (A,B, or C) was closest in length to the Target Line.
Bob grunted, in his head, “DUH… It’s obviously B”.
So when the first person said “A”. Bob inwardly chuckled and muttered to himself… “What an idiot.”
Then the second person said “A”, and Bob almost snorted out loud.
But then a curious thing happened. When the seventh person said “A”, Bob’s confidence disappeared.
On his turn, Bob opened his mouth and said, in complete self-defeat;
“It’s A”
This happened multiple times. In the face of the overwhelming majority view — Bob ignored the obvious correct answer in favor of the group’s answer. However, Bob did not know that the 7 other students in that room were Asch’s accomplices. All the accomplices had agreed to purposefully give the wrong answer — To see if Bob would give the wrong answer too.
I’m sure you’re probably thinking
“ Bob’s an idiot- Why didn’t he just believe in himself?”
Get off your high horse
Humans are social beings that are guided by social norms. These norms are the accepted behaviors that an individual is expected to conform to in a group, community, or culture. Social norms are not bad or good, however the pressure that comes as a result of these norms can impact our decision-making ability and compromise our sense of agency.
This shows up as a constant factor in our experiences. I’m sure there have been many situations where you’ve wanted to speak up, ask for something, or assert yourself. But you’ve probably been afraid of the push-back, and have opted not to do it. Oftentimes this happens when you allow social pressure and the fear of rejection to dictate your decisions and emotional state.
These situations can show up….
- When you’re at work, and one of your peers says something that you find deeply offensive — if the culture of that workplace is one where you can’t have those conversations, then you’ll probably let it slide. Go home, and mope. Chances are you’ll continue letting these comments slide, until you can’t handle it anymore and randomly let loose a stream of “F -bombs” during the Wednesday mid-week meeting.
- When you want to meet new people in your particular area but are deathly afraid of striking up conversations with people outside of your immediate friend-group or family. This fear comes in part from the unnecessary social pressure you’re taking on to decide if having a conversation is “normal” or not.
- When you want to learn something new like capoeira, but your couch-potato friends laugh at you for it. If you stop because you need that friend group’s validation, it can be a crushing situation.
Social pressure can sometimes be a chokehold on taking action.
To Build Resistance to Social Pressure — Ask for a 15% discount
Yup.. really
Preferably at your nearest coffee shop.
The conversation would go like this:
Barista Ben: Here’s your small coffee Adom
Me: Thanks Ben, Can I get 15% off on that?
Barista Ben: For what?
Me: Great conversation. *Or some other line*
Normally coupled with a cheeky smile
Barista Ben: Haha *proceeds to apply the discount*
Me: Thanks!
The point of this exercise is NOT the discount. It’s the process of asking for something in an environment where there’s a lot of pressure (the people in the line waiting on you and the Barista), in a polite but assertive manner.
Don’t get me wrong..some people have flat-out said “no”.
But then we would end up having a great conversation, and that person would tell me that I had made their day.
The process of asking for a 15% discount is a repeatable action you can take that:
- Can be done on a weekly basis
- Builds up your resistance to the unhelpful forms of social pressure
Asking this question shows you that it is possible to speak your mind without the world ending. It allows you to bear the brunt of a potentially uncomfortable moment and succeed (even if you don’t get the discount). By practicing continuously, people will seem less intimidating, and the social pressure telling you that striking up conversations with people you do not know is bad will be subdued.
Additionally, you’ll feel less afraid of rejection. Asking this question thickened my skin. It helped me get over the fear of rejection to the point where I could ask people, on a random bus commute, to dedicate some of their precious time towards reading an early version of a children’s book (to validate the idea behind a Kickstarter project I was working on).
Disclaimer: this question is NOT the one quick tip for overcoming all fear — a little bit of fear is healthy for us (It’s what prevents us from running head-on at a moving car). However, this repeatable process can help you manage the unhelpful fears that come from the social pressures around you. The kind that prevents you from doing something that you believe can radically transform your life.
So next time you’re in the mood for a cup of steaming black coffee — ask for a 15% discount and see what happens.
