We Think We Know What’s Best for Kids
And it’s impeding human evolution
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Everyone is an expert on child-rearing and education. As an elementary school teacher this is an occupational pet peeve. If I were a doctor, an engineer, or a film producer, no one (except maybe those in the industry) would pretend to know everything about what I do and have strong opinions about how to do it the “right way”. In fact, if you really want to get someone riled up, suggesting an approach to parenting or teaching that doesn’t align with their “expertise” is one of the best ways to get an ear full.
This may seem harmless, but I believe that this habit we have of pretending to be the expert on what’s best for all kids is seriously impeding human evolution. Why? Because when we think we know it all we stop asking questions, observing ourselves critically, and being open to new ideas. The reason we rapidly make progress in areas like technology is because we know that there is always room for improvement and ways to “upgrade” technologies, even ones that are already working quite well. But when it comes to upgrading the way we parent or educate kids, we dig our heals in and insist our old ways must be what’s best.
So, what has us acting like “know it all’s” when it comes to kids? I’ve identified 7 key reasons for this detrimental phenomenon.
1) Everyone has over a decade of experience being a kid and being educated. Based on how that went, we are either vehemently in favor or opposed to the approach that we perceive either “worked” or “didn’t work” for us.
2) When someone challenges how we were raised or educated it feels like a personal attack or an attack on the people we love and respect most. To consider another approach threatens our very identity and can feel like we are betraying those that raised us.
3) Ideas that conflict with how we were raised may trigger repressed issues from childhood that we don’t want to face. It is easier to pretend that how we were raised was what was best for us, then to examine those aspects of our childhood that may have held us back or caused us harm.
4) If we are already a parent or educator, ideas that conflict with how we have conducted ourselves in the past may bring up feelings of guilt. And to make matters worse, since everyone is an expert, there is no shortage of judgments going around. It is our fear of judgement and avoidance of guilt that blocks us from being willing to look at ourselves critically and make changes.
5) Our belief system came from the way we were parented and educated, therefore, those very beliefs are deeply ingrained in us. They are so embedded in our subconscious that we often perpetuate them without conscious awareness. Challenging the ideas we were raised and educated with, is like questioning everything that is real and true for us.
6) We have been conditioned to believe that parenting and teaching is a simplistic skill. The popular expression “those who can’t do, teach”, is evidence of this. The truth is, teaching and parenting effectively involves understanding complex sciences such as child development and human psychology and learning sophisticated skills of communication and interaction.
7) We expect instant results. However, the strategies that are most effective in the moment are usually the ones that cause the most long-term damage. Also, if we try a new approach and don’t notice a change immediately, we conclude that “it didn’t work”. We wouldn’t expect to get instant results from exercising, why would we expect it from a new parenting or teaching approach?
One of the most popular arguments for why we should keep the status quo is because “it worked for me”. This might sound harsh, but chances are “it” didn’t. Aren’t we all messed up in some way? We just don’t know anything different. We have no way of knowing how much happier or smarter we may or may not have been if we were raised or educated differently.
Even if the way we were raised was perfect for us, that doesn’t mean it’s what is best for all kids in today’s world. Every child is different, and our world is constantly changing, therefore, we need to be flexible and continuously adjust our approach. It is not until we live in a perfect world that we can claim that we’ve got it all figured out. Until then, we should always be re-evaluating and striving to do better.
Throughout my over twenty years of studying education and working with children, I have come across many well-researched theories connected to learning and child development that have the potential to significantly improve the experience for our kids and evolve our society. I have watched as many of these progressive ideas have been ignored, rejected, misunderstood, or distorted because they were unable to survive untainted by the filters of our own bias. It’s ironic that the field of study that has the potential to transform humanity the most is the one we value the least and are the most resistant to.
How we parent and educate children is so integrally tied up in our own experiences, values and beliefs that until we can become aware of this and learn how to become more objective, our kids are destined to repeat our history. The truth is, there’s an arrogance in thinking we know what’s best for kids that interferes with our ability to connect, to listen, to learn and to understand them on a deeper level.
Our kids are always telling us in some way what’s not working for them. Let’s stop letting our stubbornness hold us back from doing better.
What can you do to make sure you don’t fall into the “know it all” trap?
- Become aware of your own bias and begin to question your beliefs about parenting and education, especially the ones you feel most strongly about.
- Let go of judgment and guilt. Adopt the understanding that we are always evolving and just because there may be a better way doesn’t mean that everything you’ve been doing was wrong.
- Educate yourself and listen to a variety of perspectives. You don’t have to agree with everything, but the more well rounded you are the more insight you will have into how to best support the kids in your life.
Now is an especially challenging time to be a parent. We think it’s because of all the things going wrong, but I believe it has more to do with what we are doing right. Listen here for my unique perspective on what’s really going on and how we can shift from managing symptoms towards resolving the root of these challenges.
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