What To Say (and Not Say) to Someone Going Through a Difficult Time
Life can be hard at times. We ebb and flow through the seasons of life. Some days, there is joy. Other days, pain and heartbreak.
It’s relatively easy to celebrate with someone when they’re going through joyful times in their life. But when it comes to difficult times, we often don’t have the right words to say to someone who is struggling.
I’m not a trained psychologist or sociologist, but I am fascinated with how people interact with one another. One area that intrigues me the most is how people try to encourage one another during difficult times. I’ve also seen how someone’s attempt to encourage a person can be subtly devastating.
This past weekend, I saw it first-hand.
The incident
Five days ago, my wife went out for her routine, Saturday morning bike ride. About ten minutes into the ride, I get a call from her. She had crashed pretty hard and was having trouble getting back up.
At first, we thought she had bruised her thigh from the impact because the muscles were spasming and she couldn’t put any weight on her right leg. So, we went to the ER to get an X-ray “just in case.”
I couldn’t go into the hospital’s emergency room because of COVID-19 restrictions. We live only a few minutes away, so I went home to wait for her call. After what seemed like forever, my phone rang. In tears, she told me that she had broken her right hip. Any kind of break in a bone can be hard news to handle, but this hit us hard.
My wife and I are both very active. She works as a personal trainer and fitness instructor for a local city rec center. We bike about 2500 to 3000 miles a year, both road bikes and mountain bikes. We like to hike, run, and be active. The news of a broken hip felt like an unexpected, jail sentence. It was devastating news, to say the least.
Sunday morning arrived, and the orthopedic surgeon showed up for surgery. He would insert three screws into the neck of the hip bone to hold it in place while it healed.
There was some good news — she didn’t need a hip replacement. It was a clean break, and the bone had stayed in place. A full recovery is expected. Like most fractures, it’ll take about six weeks for the bone to heal back together. But it was still a broken bone, and she still needed surgery.
Sharing the news
The surgery went well, and we were back home Sunday evening. It was time to notify family and close friends. I expected lots of well-wishes, thoughts, prayers, and “how can I help” questions.
Since we had so much to think through and emotions to process, I decided to take one important step…
Ask for space
When I first started contacting people to share the news, I reached out to only two people: a family member and a close friend. I asked those two to notify the others. I did this to avoid the initial flood of questions and offers to help. And, I specifically told them that we needed “space”, and to make sure everyone else knew that.
And it worked. Our phones were relatively silent while we worked through the rollercoaster of thoughts and changes over the next few days.
If you need space, ask for it. If somebody asks for space, give it to them. It could be the most healing thing you do.
The power of words
Words have incredible power. What we say to someone, especially during difficult times, can make or break a person’s spirit.
Over these past 5 days, as the messages started to roll in, we experienced both ends of the verbal spectrum — words that lifted our souls and put smiles on our faces, as well as words that brought painful tears and discouragement.
I realize that our friends and family weren’t intentionally trying to cause pain. Everyone’s intent was to connect or relate, even empathize. But at times, we just say the wrong thing. Just this morning, I said something to my wife to try to make her laugh, but it brought her to tears, and not in a good way.
Words matter.
Here are some key insights that I learned over the past few days while watching others try to connect and encourage.
The past
Whether it’s a specific incident like a bike crash or something more long-term like anxiety or depression, don’t ask questions or make comments about past events or experiences. Avoid topics or questions about what happened, unless the person is wanting to talk about it. And, don’t just assume that they want to talk about what happened. They most likely don’t.
After a few days, we were quickly hit with loads of questions about what happened, how did it happen, where were you riding, how was the surgery, etc.
I know you’re curious and I might talk about it eventually, but right now, I just need time to rest and heal. I don’t want to relive the experience again. Right now, I need compassion, not questions.
It’s hard enough to deal with an unexpected change in your lifestyle. The last thing she wants to be doing is rehashing a traumatic experience.
Remember, the past is only a story.
The future
This has been the hardest. We don’t know what the future holds. All of our plans for the next couple of months changed in an instant. We now need to make new plans — doctor’s appointments, therapy, rehabilitation, and adjusting to the new normal. And, these are difficult plans.
We often feel helpless when it comes to encouraging someone who is hurting. Deep down, we want to encourage them with future-looking statements like:
- “You’ll be back running and biking in no time.”
- “You’re strong and healthy. You’ll recover quickly.”
- “You’ll be back to normal by Christmas.”
*These are all actual things people said to my wife.
We want to help alleviate their pain. We want to make them feel better. I get it. I know those feelings. I have said things like this before. But I’ve also seen how attempts to encourage someone with statements like these can be very discouraging.
My wife is very active and quite fit, and everyone expects her to bounce back in no time.
Yes, maybe. But right now, I’m hurting. I’m scared of the future. My whole life is different right now. Right now, I need compassion, not predictions.
Avoid future-thinking messages, encouragements, and discussions.
Remember, the future is only a story.
Don’t try to relate
Maybe you had a bike accident, broke an ankle, and recovered nicely. Maybe you’ve battled anxiety and depression and persevered through it to find peace. Maybe, but now is not the time to talk about it.
I’m happy for you, but I don’t want to hear your story right now. It minimizes my situation and makes the focus about you. I’m the one hurting. Right now, I need compassion, not distraction.
I reached out to a friend of mine who broke his femur during a skiing accident. I asked him about surgery, recovery, and any advice he had. And, he had some great information.
When I shared his experience and recommendations with my wife, she was encouraged, even hopeful. But, here’s the key — I was the one who reached out to him. It was advice we sought out, not advice that we were offered without invitation.
Be with them now
The most encouraging thing you can do for someone who is hurting is to be with them now, with as few words as possible, and only when invited.
I know it’s hard. I know you want to help. I know you feel helpless and want to encourage those who are hurting. Some of the most wonderful encouragement we have received has been statements like these:
- “I’m so sorry to hear what happened. Is there anything I can do to help right now?”
- “We are thinking about you, sending our love.”
- “Can we bring you guys a meal?”
- “We are here if you need anything.”
- “Do you have any chores or things you need to be done around the house that we can help with?”
- “If you need someone to just listen, let me know. I’m here for you.”
Conclusion
I’m writing this message just five days after my wife’s accident. I’m writing it with a bit of frustration because some of the messages we have received have brought her to tears. Truly encouraging words can be hard to find in difficult times. Here’s what I recommend.
Take a few seconds
If you want to connect deeply with someone who is hurting, take just a few seconds and put yourself into their situation.
If someone is struggling with depression, try to imagine what it’s like to be in that situation. Try to experience those feelings. You’re trapped in a dark state of mind. You can’t work. You can’t sleep. You struggle to feel any joy or happiness. Feel those feelings before you speak.
Or, maybe someone just had emergency surgery, like my wife. Life has immediately become different and difficult. Take a few seconds and try to imagine being restricted to a wheelchair or crutches for two months. Showers are challenging. Meals are a challenge. Try to imagine not being able to work or having to rely on someone to take care of you. Feel those feelings before you speak.
Before you say anything, take just a few seconds to feel what it would be like in that situation. Then, try to come up with words that would encourage. If you’re going to say something, avoid past questions, future stories, and attempts to relate.
But even better, sometimes it’s best to…
Just listen
Being there to listen can be one of the most healing things you do. People who are hurting may just need to cry, vent, or scream. They don’t need advice. They don’t need humor. And, they don’t need any past or future stories. They need a listening ear and a compassionate heart.
You can never go wrong with listening.
