What’s the Antidote to Toxic Masculinity? It’s Within You

I can’t imagine a more appropriate day than Election Day to talk about one of the biggest threats facing our society today:

Toxic masculinity.

I’m not talking about masculinity in general. We need masculinity, masculine qualities and masculine power in the world. A healthy, productive dose of masculinity.

When I say toxic masculinity, I mean the kind that is not only diminishing women (in truly shocking ways), but also fueling anger, dissent and a sense of separateness and against-ness. Big time.

To find an antidote to this dangerous, disruptive toxic masculinity, we must look to its opposite: powerful femininity.

I’ve been thinking about this idea for years.

I co-authored a book on feminine strengths, The Feminine Revolution, partly because of my own exploration of femininity in my own life. I gave a TEDx Talk on the play between femininity and ambition back in 2013.

This is a topic I feel strongly about. It’s a topic I’ve researched, and interviewed many people about.

And yet — like so many other women and men I know — as I’ve watched my news feeds scroll by with more and more disturbing, high-profile examples of brutish masculinity, I find myself having momentary feelings of helplessness.

How do we combat this social ill? Why does it feel like every day we’re hearing of men (actually our president) “grabbing ’em by the pussy,” using nasty words, brute force or even guns to repress those they don’t agree with, and overtly throwing temper tantrums, physically and emotionally, when they don’t get their way?

Where is femininity when we need it most?

I don’t have the answers. But I do have some observations and ideas that may lead to us to some solutions.

One of the most recent illustrations of toxic masculinity, of course, was the Brett Kavanaugh testimony.

As I watched Dr. Blasey Ford and Brett Kavanaugh testify weeks ago, I saw more than a man who’d been accused of a sexual assault and a woman who was having to relive a terrifying experience.

I saw vitriolic anger versus calm collectedness.

I saw aggression and noise versus grace.

I saw masculinity in its most toxic form, and femininity in its most righteous form.

It was a perfect illustration of the battle that we’re currently all embroiled in: it’s masculine against feminine, and by that I don’t mean men against women. I’m referring more to masculine and feminine energy.

The masculine approach — which, in its most negative form, is loud and aggressive — negates the possibility for calm communication. It prevents people from remembering where this battle started, or figuring out what they truly believe, because they’re constantly in fight or flight mode.

It’s an endless adrenaline rush that puts anger and emotional recklessness above reflection — even in a situation as high-stakes as a Supreme Court nomination.

As I’ve said, I believe the solution lies in a powerful feminine approach. But what does that look like?

Powerful femininity is rooted in grace.

When we look at feminine ways of communicating, we see compromise, calm, agreeability, peace.

It’s the opposite of a harsh, critical mode of communication in which everyone is on the attack.

Here’s an example of what I think that looks like.

During Dr. Ford’s testimony, Cory Booker — who’s physically a big, masculine guy — took a more feminine approach by speaking to Dr. Ford gently and with compassion. He didn’t need to be the loudest voice in the room, and brought a softness to that incredibly contentious proceeding.

Here’s another example, from an event a couple of years ago when I saw Hillary Clinton accept the Democratic nomination for President. She spent that evening at a fundraiser concert at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles.

That night, she was different from how she usually appeared in public.

In addition to maintaining her strength and assertiveness, Hillary seemed to let her guard down for a moment. She was soft, gentle, humble. Feminine. It was as if she finally had a break, and as a result, she came across as so much more human. Seeing that side of her was truly beautiful.

But we all know the reason we didn’t see that side more often.

Toxic masculinity is the approach that currently seems to be valued in today’s culture.

So frankly, it seems like the only option is to change that culture.

Those of us who are active in gender equality and feminist spaces often talk about a world in which, for example, 50% of Supreme Court justices are women, or 50% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women.

While that’s absolutely something we should work toward, I don’t believe that will solve the problem of toxic masculinity.

Instead, we have to work toward creating a culture and society in which the feminine approach to communicating, to governing, to leading, wins the day.

A world in which you don’t have to be the loudest person in the room in order to be heard. That style leaves no room for compromise or agreeability, because only one person can be the loudest in the room.

All the feminine qualities that I myself have been trying to lean into, and encouraging other women (and men) to lean into, can help create a powerful cultural shift.

Sensitivity.

Agreeability.

Gentleness.

Think for a moment about someone whom you deeply admire. A favorite boss, teacher, or coach, perhaps. Why did they have such an important impact on you? What type of qualities did they possess? How did they deal with conflict? How did they behave under pressure?

I’d be willing to bet they didn’t yell, insult others, or start arguments. I would imagine they were confident, not in a way that required chest-beating or shooting down others (literally or figuratively).

I’d bet that if you think closely about them, you’d realize they displayed more feminine qualities.

Healing toxic masculinity is a massive and complex undertaking.

But if each of us does our part by bringing our feminine qualities forward and helping foster an environment where a softer, more graceful approach is welcomed, we can change the world.