When Your Startup Becomes Your Identity, it Causes an Identity Crisis
I’ve never had to rethink who I am, what I want to do, what I want to achieve and be rewarded with before, so my recent contemplation has been new.
Since secondary school, I have known I wanted to dedicate my life to music somehow. I didn’t learn an instrument, but I eventually found my passion as a producer. Then, I founded a record label.
It’s always been music for me. It always will be.
But recently, for the first time ever, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel for a few weeks… The concept of hard work paying off seemed to stop proving true. It all felt like a big lie to stop people feeling worthless, to give them hope for something and as a result carrying on to feed the economic machine.
Why was I all of a sudden disillusioned with my future?
For the last half a year I’ve been running my startup full-time. I’ve been very productive and completely immersed in my work. Breaking it down, I’ve seen huge results.
B-DEM Records was charging ahead, things had become real. We’d done an initial growth campaign and we were ready to get some clients in. We already had prospects lining up ready for service. Our deep business plan was coming together ready for funding campaigns and our operations were all running smoothly.
Everything was growing well.
Then…
My perspective became jaded.
Maybe it was the clarity and separation with a weekend break, the first break in a long time, maybe it was the fact the weekend was one where I spent the most cash since when I was an employee, maybe that weekend was just one where lots of projects were due at once and didn’t get completed, or maybe it’s because personal funds were drying up and I needed to find a new way to get some steady income.
It’s actually all of the above.
Conversations and proactivity from the team lately has been slower than we’ve previously accomplished, I’m sure they will agree. We’ve been quieter than I’d have liked outward-facing too. I was worried we were facing some regression.
Because of this new disillusion, I really started feeling the strain of overdue projects. I’d let my mental resilience down and started letting my emotions effect my business choices. I dropped the ball and it was nobody else’s responsibility to pick it up. Although, I had started feeling like it was.
I’ve been trying to make B-DEM be about more than my dream, my startup and my responsibility. I want everybody to feel what I’ve felt the last half a year —there’s something big happening here and I want to own a piece of it.
I know the problem hasn’t been that the team didn’t care or weren’t passionate or committed. We have struggled with seeing things from each others’ perspective whilst I’ve been fully in the startup zone and them in part-time finding-time mode.
I didn’t take the time to anticipate what resource they had to give — I misjudged it. I forgot about people’s personal lives and I expected too much at the stage we were at. I’m sure most founders go through this.
Moratorium Rising
“I’m tired of this endless fight with capitalism. I just want the simple life.”
I’d been reading a lot about the hippies, stoicism, Eckhart Tolle and artist biographies. I’d been getting in touch with my ‘free’ and artistic side.
I often recall a conversation Chris, our Commercial Director, and I had on a beach in Cascais.
“It would be cool to be laying on a beach every day and taking life day-by-day. It’s possible to live super modestly and have a life like that. But we’re not the simple life type. Some people can do it and be happy. It’s a dream that occasionally plays in our thoughts, but we’ve got too much ambition. There’s too much we want that doesn’t work with that simple life.”
Chris & I, naturally, have different ideas of what it takes for us to be successful and happy. I think it’s fair to say I’m a bit more boho. But bigger purpose is definitely a philosophy we both hold true.
Coming away from the corporate environment and 9–5 gave me all this time to make music, think, read, sleep properly, train and all the things I love. It had me completely tripping on this idea that I could actually live this modest life, in my parents’ home and grow my music business whilst doing all the things I loved.
Life wasn’t about trying to reach ‘the next stage’ anymore. It was about what I could do on this day to make myself feel good. (I say this, although it’s not clearcut because I was absolutely working to make my business ‘the next stage’, so it wasn’t bumming around and being completely present to the moment, I’ve 90% been working).
As I focused on this idea of being a producer, running B-DEM and being a boho millennial until we could win the funding to support our team for capital for the first 3 years, I stopped caring about other desires I used to think were important, like owning a home and having a nice car.
I asked why I didn’t care for these things so much anymore. Part of it was breaking out of the realisation that I’d wanted those things as status to invite a fantastical romantic relationship. Even though I was consciously aware that a healthy relationship isn’t built on that material stuff, I was still societily brainwashed and following that archaic path.
I don’t want to be just another gameplayer, looking a certain way or achieving certain Instagrammable milestones. When it comes to romance, I believe in that depth and connection that can exist beyond the physical. My friend Joe said to me once that in a healthy relationship you both grow together. This changed my perspective on wanting to be ‘successful’ before finding a relationship.
So, as a parody and 🖕 to what society expects me to be and look in order to fit their idea of success, I started growing my hair out to look like a scruff. I’m still enjoying people not getting it and some people thinking I look silly at the moment.
“It’s healthy to keep exploring your values, roles, and sense of self regardless of your age.” — Susannah Fears
Dual Personality
I always claimed that I had two conflicting personalities.
One is a vulnerable artist type, Jungian’s would call this The Lover Archetype.
This dude is all about peace and love, meditating in the sun, drinking beer when he feels like it, exploring subconsciousness to spawn creative ideas, doodles, flicks paint at naked ladies and calls it art, might be partial to a toot on a spliff solely for the purpose of opening the third eye and letting the vibes flow into the track he’s working on, fancies himself as a lesbian-style lover because he’s seen Blue is The Warmest Colour and throws around his rockstar hips in the local boozer on a Friday after an evening of red wine.
The other is an almost-militant, strong-willed, virtuous, martial arts practitioner and executive. Jungian’s would call this The Warrior Archetype.
This guy gets up earlier than most people, eats his 5-a-day, doesn’t drink in the week, trains at least 5 times a week, guides other people on ways they can better themselves, stands up for the vulnerable, doesn’t let his emotions cloud his judgement or decisions, is a successful businessperson and owns the room with a good posture, Gosling style with a heavy whiskey glass.
I’ve always tried to combine the two into a single personality, but I now realise that I need to identify more with the latter as it makes me a better person and makes me feel better.
The artist type has this lack of self-control, melancholia and moping around. I don’t want to identify with that and I don’t think other people associate me with that either. He needs to just be a character, something to play around with — not to identify with.
I feel much better being healthier in control of my shit and strong.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had to reconnect with my ‘inner warrior’, or what Chris calls ‘being a shark’, but with new found clarity, experience and philosophy, I think I will be able to hold truer to this side of myself more easily in times of uncertainty and strife in the future.
Don’t Dream it’s Over
My little dream period between ending my corporate career and doing what I love every day is coming to an end as I face the need to return to some steady income.
No magic happened in this last half a year, which sucks, but there’s been soooo many positive lessons learned. Stuff I definitely would never have learned keeping my startup as a side-hustle any longer.
Experience is the only teacher. You can’t stand on the shoulders of giants for this stuff, you have to get in and get dirty, get some scars.
So, this has only been part of mine and my company’s story. I’ll never be done trying to grow and do something bigger than myself.
I’m OK going back to some part-time work to tie me over. I think I will benefit from not having so much time alone. And the change in my circumstance is a good excuse to make some necessary changes to my business too.
In line with me finding some new part-time work, I need to reevaluate what to do next to get me self-employed full-time sustainably.
“People who continually evaluate their commitments and make adjustments to achieve greater realisation of their identities are most likely to achieve fulfilment throughout their lives.” — Susannah Fears
Reaffirmation
At the end of the day moping and negativity never serves you and only halts progress. It’s not worth staying in a negative state of mind. The only choice I have is to move forward positively.
As soon as I get busy I feel alive. Whenever I’m discussing my business with other people I feel alive. When I get up in the morning, I’ve got loads of contact from people wanting to talk about music or business, I feel alive.
I did the right thing leaving the corporate path. I’m happier now and still feel like I’m achieving something more for my own self-satisfaction by having more time for my own projects.
Identifying with my career, by it being in music, is essential for me.
You’re always told to know your ‘why’ in business, so I’ve taken some time to try and figure out my ‘why’ to help me process this transitional period and get back to work.
The Bigger Goal
I want to give more artists the time and freedom to explore ideas.
I want to use business as a means for people to support a more artistic life, rather than art and free-thought having to succumb to corporate demands. Having a ‘creative role’ is not enough, because art is about free expression.
If nobody tried to do this for the many, and every artist carried on focusing on their own artistic lifestyle entirely, then there’d never be a change — and the battle between commercialism and art would always exist.
Romance, freedom and devotion to art. These are what matter and what my businesses should always support.
What’s Next?
- Sharing our service overview with everyone and anyone, but focusing on getting in the hands of the right people to help us on our next stage.
- Seek advice from other [music] entrepreneurs — The business plan and financial projections are extensive, but there’s still things we think can be done better. The financial projections still aren’t where we want them to be on the second draft. We need some help with making the business model stronger so that there’s a much bigger revenue projection.
- I’m going to go into this funding campaign with my heart on my sleeve. I want my team on board full-time so we can all go achieve something together. We’re all hugely dedicated and hungry for this, put us in the market properly and we’ll be a successful company.
- Going back to part-time work with a forward-thinking mentality. I don’t want to let myself get lost in identifying myself with whatever new role I end up doing. I’ve got to try and hold the mindset that my future employer is a ‘client’ of mine. The quicker I can get fully back to my mission full time, the better.
