Who are you? On creating a life well-lived.

“Who are you?” asked my therapist. I responded that I was a sales manager, a daughter, a sister, possibly soon an ex-wife.
“That tells me who you are in terms of other people and it tells me what you do professionally. But who are you without those labels? What do you dream of doing? What do you like?”
I didn’t know.
Digging into this question showed me I hadn’t placed any value on what I wanted or who I wanted to be. When I starting trying to answer this question, all I heard were the labels others had foisted on me: “You’re too sensitive” morphed into “I’m too sensitive” just as “you need to think of others” became “I’m selfish” in my head.
Unlearning early life lessons takes time. I was uncertain about whether or not I was too sensitive or just sensitive — and couldn’t that be a good thing? I realized that the people who’d told me I needed to think of others told me that when I was choosing to do something they disagreed with (looking at you, mom), or wouldn’t choose to do themselves.
Entangled with unlearning was the realization that I didn’t know much about my own likes and dislikes. Did I really like butterscotch better than vanilla? Did I like writing? Did I really want to immerse myself in a foreign culture? Did I like seeing blockbuster movies over independent films? The answers to these things are all obvious now (no, yes, yes and no) but they weren’t then.
Growing up in a family with a fixed mindset, the unspoken rules were:
✔️never, ever do anything to bring attention to yourself
✔️follow all the rules even if they don’t make sense
✔️don’t have strong opinions
✔️life is hard, don’t expect help
✔️go along so people don’t think you’re picky
I excelled at these rules (see #2 above). I follow none of them now. Unlearning them took years and I discovered recently that I’ve been secretly adhering to another rule: you only get so much happiness, so don’t want more than you have.
You see, I have a great life. I’m partnered with the most incredible, supportive, loving person. I live in the beautiful south of France. I have a business helping people learn to live their dreams. But I was also getting in my way trying to grow my business so I could reach more people.
“I’m doing everything I can and nothing is changing!” I lamented.
I was working on everything, mindset, marketing, planning, etc. The one thing that needed my attention stayed out of sight, which created a cycle of feast and famine in my finances. I’d land new clients, enjoy a fattened bank account and then boom, nothing.
It drove me crazy.
And then I realized, there was another rule, one buried deep in my psyche.
“Don’t get too big for your britches.”
Seven words that guided my life without me knowing it. It explained why in the trifecta most of us have in life (love, money, work), I could only have two going well at any time. So I could have love and money but a job that sucked the life out of me. I could have money and work I enjoyed but not a partner.
My family culture had me believing I couldn’t have it all because then I’d be too big for my britches. (If you’re not familiar with that saying, it’s one that tells you to keep your dreams small.) When I recently was asked to do a digital TV show, my mom’s first response was, “Somebody’s getting all high and mighty!”
By the way, I don’t blame my family or my parents. They were just passing on what they grew up learning. They didn’t know there was any other way. It’s not a matter of finding fault, it’s a matter of finding out who you are, what you value, and unlearning the lessons that don’t fit you.
I’ve claimed my right to have what I desire. I’ve ended the cycle. It took some soul searching and some time, but now I know how to stay on track. I also believe I deserve to have it all because I work for it every day. I am definitely too big for my britches and I don’t mind because I can afford to buy new ones.
If you’ve gotten stuck somewhere, ask yourself if there’s something you need to unlearn. Your dreams deserve to have life breathed into them. You need to become too big for your britches.

