Why Do We Self-Sabotage Achievement And Success?
Have you ever decided you were going to do something only to have that idea fade into memory weeks or months later?
How often have you made New Year’s Resolutions that you’ve actually kept?
Setting goals for some is as pleasurable as eating dirt, because they’ve experienced failure too many times.
There are many reasons for not achieving your goals or resolutions. A big reason is self-sabotage. One of the dictionary definitions of sabotage includes,
[a] Treacherous action to defeat or hinder a cause or endeavour.
Treacherous may seem a harsh word in the context of goal achievement, but when we add the word ‘self’ in front of ‘sabotage’ the meaning of the word ‘treacherous’ is all the more potent.
Why would we consciously deny ourselves achievement, betterment, or greatness?
Why would we choose to defeat our own actions?
Speaking from a gay-male perspective, there have been a number of times I have sabotaged my own efforts in life. I am a firm advocate of not blaming circumstances. I believe we are responsible for our own choices, even the choices we make to self-sabotage.
These choices may be predicated on the outside world — the judgments and opinions of others. Should it matter what other people think of you? Absolutely not, but this is when self-love and self esteem come into play.
Being gay does set one apart.
We are not equals in society. Yes, we have more rights than we ever have, but the fact that we have a need for equal rights proves that we are not accepted.
I first acknowledged/admitted/started to accept that I was gay when I was 15 years old. But even at 52 years old I sometimes wonder what other people think of me as a gay man. This might seem ridiculous on a surface level, but this concern is rooted in the gay shame I grew up with.
I was reminded of an incident several years ago when I had the shocking realization that there was still a deep need for acceptance within me. It was very deep in my subconscious. It was a small voice that said,
“I sometimes still don’t feel good enough as a gay man.”
The Princess and the pea effect.
I wondered to myself how could this be happening and took the time to reflect on that awareness. I realized that if you have even a pea-sized issue of negative self-worth — and if it’s buried so deep you almost can’t reach it — it will impact your life, all of your actions and choices.
When we choose to be influenced by the opinions of others we sometimes make bad choices, but they are still our own choices. We own these choices and we have to own up to them.
For some it’s an unhealthy relationship out of a need to feel desired. For others it’s emotional eating, drug or alcohol abuse, or having unsafe sex.
A lack of self-worth can also be more subtle — a suppression of your dreams, or concealing who you are. These choices are distractions from our truth, the truth we don’t want to face — not because of external judgment but because of our own self-imposed judgments.
We continue to make unhealthy choices until one day we decide we’ve had enough.
The past choices that mis-created our life were a catalyst. We get to a point where we are past feeling ashamed. The opinions of others no longer influence us. We recognize that we can choose to be happy , that we deserve better. This is a powerful moment of self-acceptance and the ability to make better, healthier choices.
This can be a moment when we feel incredibly relieved, with the full awareness of who we are.
Awareness is a gift and knowing is power.
When you know what is holding you back you can make different choices. You can do whatever necessary to improve your self-image and move forward.
This is the mark of successful people.
Successful people have issues of sabotage and fears like everyone else. They are just more aware of who they are, their passions and their inspiration. They look their challenges squarely in the eye and find resolution more quickly.
Perhaps that’s the true meaning of success:
We look at our challenges, find solutions, create a plan, and resolve to take action.
It’s practice that makes the master.
