Why It’s Not Even About “Having It All”

7 Lessons Learned on My Journey to Personal Sovereignty

“A low-angle shot of an empty asphalt road with several autumn leaves on it” by Kerrie DeFelice on Unsplash

Summer 2012. I had recently turned thirty-six and celebrated my first anniversary as a mother. I was finally starting to feel confident that I could manage the whole “mama” thing, but the balance of working professionally, parenting, wife-ing, and finding “me-time” was still an elusive myth.

That was the summer that Anne-Marie Slaughter wrote her provocative article for the Atlantic Monthly. I was a subscriber at the time, which meant that I had the opportunity to read the article before it made headlines of its own and unleashed a national debate about the state of women’s progress — or lack thereof. Little did I realize at the time of reading just how much public criticism Slaughter’s essay would incite. Personally, I just wanted to know why we, as women, couldn’t “have it all” when all my life I’d been made to believe that I could.

I read the article in one sitting. But my reaction, when finished, wasn’t what I expected. And in the coming days and weeks, the pushback and outcry would trickle into my news feeds and the little social media that I followed at the time. Apparently I was not alone in my feelings of disappointment and disbelief resulting from Ms. Slaughter’s analysis of women’s ongoing challenge — and failure — to “have it all.”

However, I felt somewhat alone in the reasoning behind my disappointment. My struggle wasn’t so much her declaration of “It” not being possible; I was torn by her definition of what “It” was. You see, Anne-Marie Slaughter’s definition of “having it all” looked very little like mine. Frankly, after reading the article and learning about what exactly she strived to achieve, I felt downright lazy and unambitious. My dreams didn’t include working in the White House or living a bi-city life, in which I was commuting to my family on the weekends and attempting to parent teenagers at the same time. My “having it all” was a much tidier package, one in which I could manage the push and pull of working full-time, parent my one-year old son, get the occasional alone time with my husband, and pursue my lifelong dream of writing a novel. Not to mention all that other adult-ing stuff that has nothing to do with parenthood or career (i.e. grocery shopping, cleaning the house, bill paying, exercising, blah blah blah).

And while my definition of “having it all” might have paled in comparison with Ms. Slaughter’s, it still felt equally elusive. After reading the article that I thought (hoped!) would speak to my situation, I largely felt omitted and too small to count.

Fast forward four years. I was now the mother of two beautiful children. I had changed jobs and was now working at an organization that advocated for gender equality of all things. And I was grieving the recent and unexpected loss of my own mother. I had the opportunity to attend the Bay Area Women’s Summit, where lo and behold, Anne-Marie Slaughter was giving the keynote address.

Much of what she had to say resonated with me, and I was pleased to learn that she’d come away from The Article and its backlash with expanded awareness and understanding, especially for communities that her analysis largely omitted. But it was later that day, when then-US Treasurer Rosa Gumataotao Rios addressed the audience and turned the concept of “having it all” on its head. Ms. Rios said (or at least this is how I remember it) that there is no such thing as “having it all.” And rather, we should all be striving for “personal sovereignty.” She likened this notion to a pie — not the edible kind, the chart kind.

At different times of our lives, each of our pies look different. Ms. Rios talked about years earlier, when she was still married, during which time her pie included “slices” for her marriage, her children, exercising, socializing, etc. But now, her pie had changed and was predominantly split into two equal slices. One for work and one for family. As I listened to her talk about personal sovereignty and pie, two things jumped out at me:

1. No two pies are alike. My pie looks very different from your pie, and we all have to self-define what’s in our pie — and what’s not.
2. Pie is dynamic, not static. What might be someone’s pie today will probably not be the same pie a few years down the road.

I knew immediately that my pie was not what I wanted it to be and felt acutely aware that my current situation was not my road to personal fulfillment. With my eldest child about to begin kindergarten, I could see more activities, homework, and opportunities for parent engagement on the horizon. I knew that I needed (wanted!) to make a change so I could be a part of his everyday, not just his every night.

I left the conference with a deep desire to shift my pie, but with little understanding of how to go about it or what was needed to achieve it. As much as I wanted to make a change, I didn’t truly believe that personal sovereignty was achievable for me.

Jumping to present day. My family and I no longer live in the San Francisco Bay Area — where, even with two full-time jobs, we were just making ends meet. A little less than a year ago, we moved down to the Central Coast to live closer to family. In fact, we’ve been living at my dad’s house the entire time. I now work about 30 hours a week (from home) and my husband doesn’t currently have a paying job — nor is he looking for one. Financially, we are fine, although admittedly it’s about to get tight since we just bought a house. In terms of time, however, I feel like we won the lottery. Our kids are no longer in full-time childcare, and now if I have to go to an afternoon or early evening meeting, they complain. Previously, I traveled somewhat regularly and would be gone for days at a time! I’ve rediscovered my creativity and even find time to write AND exercise somewhat regularly. And my husband is pursuing a path that he previously thought impossible.

Now do I say this to brag? No. Do I think I have all the answers? Not at all. Is my pie everything that I want it to be? Nope — not even close. But it’s closer. As far as I can tell, I’m still at the beginning of my journey to personal sovereignty. And while I love that we’re turning the common gender norm on its head, with me becoming the family breadwinner and my husband being the primary parent, I still have days in which I’m terrified of failing — and taking my family down with me. In my dream of dreams, my so to speak “pie nirvana” is place in which I no longer trade time for money. I have some ideas about how to make that happen, but it’s still a ways off. And I’m (mostly) okay with that. Because even in looking back at just this last year, I can see how far I’ve come.

7 Lessons I’ve Learned:

I suspect I’m not alone in my desire to live life on my own terms. So here’s what I’ve learned along the way (so far):

Photo by Alex Perez on Unsplash

1. It’s a journey, not a destination. We’ve all heard it a million times. Life is a journey, not a destination. And it’s no different when pursuing a life of pie, especially when you consider that your your ideal pie is going to change. As I look back on these last 12 months — heck, when I look back on my entire adult life! — so much has changed, and there are so many things that I never expected for my future. Only in retrospect can I see how my past experiences, even the ones that I abhorred at the time, have helped inform my present day and even helped direct me in getting here.
2. Timing is everything. I’m going to say this twice because I think it’s so important: TIMING IS EVERYTHING. When I attended that summit and was first introduced to the concepts of “personal sovereignty” and equating life to “pie” I was not in a position to make big changes in my life. It took another six months and a pretty big nudge from the universe (i.e. my husband losing his job) to even consider taking the leap. I have friends who are unhappy with their current situation in life, but because of financial commitments, the age of their children, etc. they’re not really in a position to make big changes in their lives. And it doesn’t even have to be that big of a change! If you are someone who wants to do something creative, but you just don’t have time. Maybe it’s as small as not watching TV one night a week, so at least you are starting to carve out time for creativity in your life. And if it is something bigger, like a career change or relocating where you live, now is the time to start thinking about it so that when the time is right, you will hopefully have a clearer understanding of what your “pie nirvana” looks like so that they can make the changes necessary toward achieving it. For me and my husband, we had to make sure that the housing market was in a good place for us to sell our house. We needed to make sure we had somewhere to go. There were a lot of factors to consider before we took the leap.
3. You have to buy a ticket. Call it a bus ticket; call it a plane ticket; call it a lottery ticket. The point is, nobody is going to walk up to you and hand you the golden ticket to your perfect pie life. If you want to change your pie, than you have to change your pie (if that makes sense). This is an intentional effort that won’t just happen to you. It requires decision-making and possibly even a leap (or two) of faith. I have been a longtime fan of Joseph Campbell and have aspired to follow my bliss for longer than I can remember. Only I wasn’t always sure what exactly that meant (for me). Slowly, I’m starting to discover my bliss but I’m also beginning to realize that I have to meet the universe halfway.
4. I‘m not traveling alone. For me, this means two things. First, my life is intertwined with my husband’s and my kids’. And my ideal pie doesn’t necessarily look the same as theirs. That means, there will be some give and take, and at times my ideals will be prioritized but at other times I’ll need to take a step back for theirs. Second, I couldn’t do this alone. Right now, I am able to dig into my career goals only because I have a partner who is willing to take on the greater share of parenting responsibilities. And that works for us right now, but there may be a time in which that shifts and I’ll need to be primary parent while he explores his professional ambitions.
5. Guaranteed detours ahead. As with any journey, there are going to be pitfalls ahead. I don’t know what they are, just that they will be there. Some of these detours might re-route the journey, others might completely change the destination. When my husband and I decided to relocate, we thought we knew what our new life would look like. I’d be consulting part-time and spending more hours with our children and he would find a full-time gig. Well, that didn’t pan out. Did that mean we gave up? No, but we had to figure out a new course that made sense for us. It’s what makes this journey both unpredictable and exciting.
6. I am my biggest roadblock. I’ll be honest, I don’t really know if this one applies to everyone. But I know for a fact that most of the time, I am my own greatest barrier to achieving my dreams. I have a tendency to self-doubt, question, and resist the things that I want most in life. And as much as I’ve come to recognize this tendency, I haven’t quite figured out how to stop doing it. That’s the honest truth!
7. It’s a PRIVILEGE to travel. I’m not sure if this is so much a lesson as it is something I feel compelled to acknowledge. So much of what I’m talking about in this article is possible because of the privilege in my life. And I recognize that not everyone has a house to sell or a parent who can take them in, which in my case has allowed for the dramatic changes that I and my family have recently made. As much as I would like to believe that everyone has the opportunity to advocate for and pursue their own best life, I realize that’s not always the world we live in. That said, I do believe that sometimes it’s the worst things that happen to us (e.g. the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, etc.) that also give us the opportunity for clarity and making change.

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