Why Most Personal Development Efforts Don’t Work
Hello, my name is Kayla, and I’m a recovering self-help addict 👋🏼.
I began my quest to overcome the anxiety, depression, overthinking, and incessant negative thoughts I experienced for most of my life 8 years ago in the Amazon bookstore.
I sifted through dozens of resources on happiness, overcoming negativity, finding meaning and purpose in life, and more. Over the years, I amassed and read hundreds of books, fiending for antidotes to my pain.
As I was reading the helpful resources, I would think, “YES! THIS! It all makes sense! I agree! Amazing!” I felt a sense of relief and euphoria that I was finally onto something. These books explained my thoughts and feelings perfectly. I had never felt more understood.
But that excitement quickly vanished as I went about my day still stewing in the negativity that came on instantaneously. When I was reacting to my circumstances with feelings of anxiety, despair, and anger, there was little space or opportunity for me to remember the information I had read earlier that morning. It was in one ear, and out the other.
With the proliferation of books, podcasts, audiobooks, and videos, we now have more personal development resources than ever. We can even multitask as we improve ourselves, whether it’s listening to the latest and greatest podcast in the car on our morning commute or when we’re on the treadmill at the gym.
But there’s a problem. Reading or listening to information doesn’t actually make you internalize it. If it did, then all of us would be following the advice we’ve read, agreed with, and believed would change our lives. All of us would be seeing results that the books and podcasts promise.
Self-Help Disillusionment
This has led to major disillusionment with personal development as a whole. Some of the top articles when you do a search about the self-help industry are about its fraudulent nature — that authors, speakers, and gurus actually enjoy the fact that people don’t see changes in their lives from their materials. Because keeping people unhappy helps them sell more books, conferences, and speaking engagements.
While I agree to an extent — that there are probably people out there keen on capitalizing on those who are desperate to fix their pain — I’ll wager to guess that the people who aren’t seeing results are the people who aren’t doing the work.
I mentioned this in my video, “My Approach to Emotional Wellness,” but with everything else in life we see a cause and effect-that actions produce results. If we want to lose weight, we know we have to eat better and go to the gym, and if we don’t get the result, then it’s pretty simple for us to do the math.
But for some reason, when it comes to things like overcoming negative thoughts, beating social anxiety, cultivating self-discipline, etc., we have trouble seeing how our actions can produce results. Maybe it’s because we don’t know which strategies will get us there due to information overload.
The Obstacle to Action: Information Overload
With thousands of books, podcasts, and videos sharing experiential ideas (“this worked for me, so it’ll work for you!) that often conflict, it’s no wonder that we, on the receiving end, are confused and left spinning in circles. I remember at one point I was reading 4 self-help books at once had a list of 50 ideas and techniques I was attempting to incorporate into my daily life. 50?!
Or, maybe we try one strategy for a day and when it doesn’t work, we move on to the next. We wouldn’t do this with a weight loss journey (eat well and go to the gym for one day and then transition to a different method). So, why do we do it when it comes to the most important thing there is: our self-improvement?
We have to choose to internalize and practice the advice we learn and that takes hard work. It takes effort to stop yourself when you’re experiencing an unpleasant thought or feeling and deconstruct it by turning to the wisdom you believe to be true. And more than that, it takes faith that your efforts will produce results.
Many of us don’t have a solid set of wisdom we can turn to and trust in every circumstance. We try to remember the 50 things we learned from the books we’ve read and experience little progress making real changes.
Cliches: A Comical Source of Wisdom
I wrote the first (and only) draft of my practical philosophy book last summer, Survival Tips from a Former Emotional Wreck. Yep. You read that right.
And while I haven’t touched it since last October (nor will I publish it any time soon) it was the catalyst for me finally internalizing all of the wisdom I had been preaching for years. I had to be able to fully breakdown the concepts using personal and relatable examples and test my own practical exercises over and over to make sure they produced results.
I began each chapter of the book with a quote from a philosopher or world leader and then compared it to a popular, cringe-worthy cliche. I sat there, chuckling, as I realized that all of the cliches were actually based on foundational, solid wisdom. Here are a few examples I included in my draft manuscript:
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.”
- Attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt
Versus
“Memory recalls the tortures of fear, while foresight anticipates them. The present alone can make no man wretched.”
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Stoic Philosopher
And
“YOLO (you only live once).”
- Drake and Everyone Else in 2011
Versus
“Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it were your last, without frenzy, without apathy, without pretense.”
- Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor
Why do we hate cliches? Because they undermine and undervalue the very wisdom contained within them.
In Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote, by using a cutesy play on words with the word “present,” we totally miss the point of WHY today is a gift. Do you see how Seneca’s quote actually explains the logical reasoning behind it? That we make ourselves feel distressed by dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, whereas the present is the only moment we can take control of.
And don’t even get me started with “YOLO.” What started out with Marcus Aurelius’ wise guidance to always have death at the top of mind and ensure you are living fully and flourishing in positive character, turned into a battle cry to do whatever crazy sh*t you want because “you only live once!”
What about another popular one?
“Dance like no one’s watching.”
Why should we do this? Well, because when we’re on our own, we have an easier time being ourselves, but when we’re around others, we are looking for praise and validation and get anxious over whether we’re going to be liked or judged.
Or…
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
I always hated this one. But once I started digging into these cliches and realized that each one actually stemmed from ancient wisdom, I finally understood it. While sticks and stones are physical objects that can cause pain, words need not cause pain if you understand that other people’s opinions of you are driven by their perceptions which you cannot control.
Plus, criticism is not a “bad” thing. It’s opinion-driven and we have a choice of whether to learn from the feedback or let it bounce off of us because it’s irrelevant. We don’t have to feel bad about it.
A Lesson From Cliches: Why Most Personal Development Efforts Don’t Work
Most of us misunderstand personal development in the same way we misunderstand cliches. We read or listen to advice without understanding the logic that underlies it.
Again, we’re told not to worry about what others think about us. But why shouldn’t we? Well, because we can’t control the way they think about us, we can only control being the best person we can be and let go of the rest.
So the next time someone judges us and we find ourselves feeling upset, instead of saying, “I shouldn’t worry about what they think of me,” we can say, “I can’t control the way they think about me and that’s why I shouldn’t worry about this.” See the difference?
This is one of my favorites. The good old “Serenity Prayer.”
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Misunderstanding this idea of control contributes to at minimum, 70% of our distress. We read this prayer and feel empowered by it, but most of us lack the wisdom to know the difference between what we can and can’t control.
Platitudes, mantras, and opinions leave us with a laundry list of random strategies and techniques to incorporate into our lives. But when the time comes, and we’re experiencing a difficult situation, it’s rare that we’re able to recall what we’ve learned. It’s not enough to memorize information; we have to internalize it by understanding WHY it logically makes sense.
Modern-Day Socrates, Confucius, and Buddha…Where You At?
Have you ever wondered why it seems like we’ve had very few transformational philosophers or thinkers since the days of Socrates, Confucius, and Buddha? These three gurus all lived within just a few hundred years of one another and we still turn to them for fundamental wisdom.
Certainly, we’ve had astounding contributors in other fields like art, science, medicine, and technology, but when it comes to the science of living, we have come up short. Notice, I called it a science, not an art. There is a science to living a life of excellence.
While I can’t claim to be an expert on this because my loyalties lie with ancient philosophy, it seems like many contemporary philosophers paraphrased the classics or came up with new-age nihilistic views for the sake of argument — another reason why philosophy feels out of touch and lacking in practical value for most of us.
But back to answering my original question. I’m going to argue that we haven’t seen a modern-day Socrates, Confucius, or Buddha because we don’t need one.
We certainly need thinkers in so many evolving disciplines like the aforementioned arts, sciences, technology, medicine, etc. But for the most part, when it comes to matters of human nature, truth is truth across time. And those three guys dropped major truth bombs in the 600–400 BCEs which have trickled their way down into all of the personal development materials we are now reading today.
The problem: most books, podcasts, and videos have been focusing on specific tactics and neglecting to teach the underlying principles themselves.
Here’s an example of what I mean by tactics vs. underlying principles.
One of the popular strategies encouraged to help people overcome social anxiety is to go to a social or networking event and force yourself to meet someone you don’t know.
Ok great. Sure, this builds confidence and the ability to have a casual conversation on the spot. But it’s a tactic. It doesn’t get at the root of why we feel social anxiety and why we should let it go.
Instead, what if we understood the fundamental principle of control: the fact that we don’t have control over how other people perceive us or whether they like us or not? All we can do is be ourselves and focus on our best efforts (what we have control over) and let go of the outcome — whether someone thinks we’re cool, weird, interesting, or boring.
Fundamental principles are the key to making self-improvement efforts work. Tactics are what get you bogged down in information overload and stagnant in your progress.
What If I Told You Personal Development Is So Much Less Complicated Than You Think?
Now, that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard work. But many of us would be willing to put in the work if we had a clear roadmap and truly believed that our efforts would create results.
What if I told you that there are only a handful of principles, that once learned, understood, and practiced, give you a bullet-proof strategy for self-mastery? What if I told you that when you master these principles, you gain a set of wisdom you can trust and turn to in any circumstance.
No more trying out the latest and greatest self-help techniques. We’re talking about going back to the fundamentals necessary to flourish and excel as a human — fundamentals that help you overcome adversity and thrive in positivity.
No fluffiness, no sappy motivational things. Just truly understanding the logic behind why we think and feel the way that we do and arming ourselves with the wisdom that has been prolific throughout time. We don’t have to reinvent the wheel. We just need to attach that wheel to our modern day car.
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