You Can’t Grow Unless You Do This
For twenty years my eyes were shut. I had never taken an interest in myself and the life I was living; I was passively along for the ride. But then, when a relationship ended, and I was hit by depression, they were forcefully opened.
I became self-aware, which led to a great interest in myself, and I started on the path which is self-development.
I started reading, something I hadn’t done on my own in a decade. I meditated, journaled my thoughts on paper, and improved my social skills. Change is often forced by enough pressure. As I’ve learned, growing through adversity gives you the proper motivations. I wanted to escape the pain, become strong again.
Fast forward to twenty four. I’m still reading, still in the improvement mindset. I’m in a new relationship; I’ve had several since the end of the aforementioned one.
I think I’m growing, but I’m not. As I’m writing this, there is still work to be done with myself. But, I learned a crucial lesson quite recently:
I wasn’t dealing with something in my past. I was more hurt from the eye-opening break-up than I thought, and it stunted my growth.
I could not grow on a personal level, which I had felt in my bones for quite some time. And, it was hurting my current relationship. Some part of me was closed off, without me being aware of it.
The pressure in my life, especially with the relationship, bacame big enough and I burst. I cracked.
I broke down in a moment, and tears came from a place I didn’t know existed. I hadn’t cried in years. I thought I couldn’t access these feelings any more.
The core of it (which I’m still making sense of), was trusting another person deeply. I thought I was being vulnerable, I thought I was open and trusting in relationships, but something deep within was not dealt with.
It was one of the most powerful feelings within myself I had ever felt.
Accepting our past
As an avid reader of psychology and philosophy, I knew that dealing with my feelings and dealing with the past was crucial for letting things go.
But, as I discovered, not everything had been dealth with. There was still a part of me that was problematic to a new relationship. I had shut myself off.
Everything that has happened to us makes us who we are today. Locking something up inside us is damaging. You can break in a situation without knowing why, as I did.
A couple of days later I listened to an interesting podcast. Enter Steven Hayes, Ph.d.:
What does the echo of the past tell you to do now?
What I learned was that if you’re avoiding aspects of your past that is hindering your present, you can’t grow. You can’t live big.
Most experiences of the past are unimportant; those who hinder our present is not.
Your past is making you small, and the problematic thing is, if you’re really good at avoiding your past, you don’t know you’re doing it. It’s fallen deep into your unconscious but trust me; it is there.
The nervous system has no delete button. Your history is embedded within you. What obstacles are you facing now that was built in your past?
Living big
Two things will happen if the past is not properly dealt with. First, you end up reacting to a situation in a way that is detrimental. You don’t know why exactly; you’re not in control because of subconscious obstacles.
Second, avoiding your past damages your self-worth. The message you give yourself is that it’s not safe to be you. You’re not accessible to yourself; therefore, you don’t trust yourself. When a crucial moment demands your best, you don’t know how you’re going to react, and you’re paralyzed because of it.
How can we trust others if we can’t trust ourselves?
I had to dig deep and face that I was not as okay as I thought.
Dealing with the past is difficult. It can help talking to someone if things are hard. It’s so important that we are comfortable in ourselves.
Accept your history and allow yourself to feel. Letting go enables you to live the life you want going forward.
Don’t say no to your experience. Accept it all, and you have every possibility to grow.
You can’t grow unless you accept your past and who that has made you. Live big, instead of letting your past make you small.
