You Over-Officious Jerk!
“HOLDING, #64, OFFENSE. Andy, can I get my bullet?” To bot, or not to bot.
If Barney Fife were an NFL referee, games would be 12 hours long, which isn’t far off from where we currently are.
Ol’ Barn, bless his good-intentioned heart, loved being in the middle of the action. He didn’t mean any harm. He loved the town. The town loved him. But good grief, all the folks wanted was to do their shopping, get their haircut at Floyd’s, and make a little moonshine on the side. It really wasn’t that complicated. But Barney was on the job, and he was always there to let you know. After all, he had the bullet.
Where the deputy got it wrong was believing he was making things better, bringing progress to Mayberry, when in fact all he was doing was slowing it down. That’s why Andy had to sit his friend down once in a while and explain things.
Barney did not understand his role.
In our beloved NFL today, the officials have taken over. Like Barney, they are good-intentioned. They love the game as we do and take their jobs seriously. A little too seriously for some.
Roger Goodell talks about keeping the game fun, and we appreciate that. But for those of us who truly love the game of football, what can possibly be fun about a holding penalty every 60 seconds? Pass interference on every throw over 20 yards? Have today’s elite, specialized players become that sloppy all of a sudden?
Do you over-officious jerks not understand that every time you throw your dirty laundry on the ground, the game stops? We stop? The entire world stops and waits for you to finish inserting yourself into our game, when all we want is to watch and feel involved, and all the players want is to play? We didn’t bring that much guacamole!
Does Sheriff Taylor need to have a talk with you guys?
It’s all part of a conspiracy, you see. Sponsors love the fact that our games are being dragged out like another Netflix Original. I am shocked that a paint company has not taken advantage of this yet. “Your job guaranteed to dry before this game is over, or your money back!”
Beer companies can’t be complaining, because they, too know that the longer the party, the better their business. Flags=Sales.
Follow the money.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, for I myself have been accused many times of standing in the way of progress, for I am a sports-purist. I’m the old guy screaming at everyone to leave the game alone, keep it the way it is. “If it worked for Johnny U..!” But these are desperate times. I have a proposal:
I am hereby requesting all NFL officiating crews be terminated at once, and be replaced with robots.
Give me a chance, here.
Here’s how human refs work these days: They want to be seen. They want to be heard. They want so much to do their job. “That looked like illegal use of hands. I think that was illegal use of hands. I’d better throw my flag and call illegal use of hands…because I have the bullet.”
Robots don’t care. There’s no emotion or judgement involved. They recognize a legitimate infraction, according to the official rulebook protocol programed into their hard-drive thinga-majiggy, and they call it! Boom!
Bots care nothing about building their biceps up Monday thru Saturday so that America can see them bulging out of their tight stripes on Sunday. They’re robots. They have no ego.
And we probably only need one bot, because the cameras do all the real work. Do you have any idea how many cameras are working an NFL game already? They are hanging from every wire, mounted to every object in the stadium. They miss nothing. Use them! Like the eye-in-the-sky in a casino, or Wal-Mart for that matter. Remote control zebras! Put one camera on every positional matchup, monitor from New York, and let the software take over! The robot will instantly be informed and make the announcement. He’s really nothing more than a mechanized Steve Harvey.
This takes care of another life-zapper: “After further review, the ruling on the field stands.” Every call is right the first time! We want our drama created while the ball is moving, by the humans that actually matter.
Think of the money that would be saved. Yea, I know the fellas are union protected, but I’m sure something could be worked out. Maybe they can be given lobotomies and have computers installed and we make them the robots? I’m just trying to help.
I’ve yet to see a fan at any professional sporting event wearing their favorite official’s jersey, although I’m aware of a few MLB umpires who would probably embrace that. But just so we don’t misunderstand each other-I have nothing personal against these guys. Their job is crazy hard. I would not want it. The pressure to get every single call correct is enormous and unprecedented, and I’m sure the scrutiny is at times overwhelming. This, I think, is the heart of the problem. Their perceived-duty to the teams, owners, league, and fans to be perfect, to do their jobs and to do it well, is taking away from the natural joy of the game. Yet it is the teams, owners, league and fans who are suffering.
It’s time to take the bullet away, Ange.
