Your 1st Rule for A Happier Life
“A mind stretched by a new idea never shrinks back to it’s original dimensions” — Oliver Wendell Holmes
If I were to tell you that a single daily habit will provide an exponential return to your quality of life, it is likely that you respond with some adaptation of the following:
You’re out of your mind
or
Okay, tell me more…
An idea so simple, I was skeptical when I first read about it in a blog by Tim Ferris, who was relaying his experience from a book whose purpose was to distribute this life-changing principle to the public.
What was it?
Stop Complaining.
Yes, turning your life on its head in the best way possible could be summarized in two words—
Stop Complaining.
This ideology comes from Will Bowen’s A Complaint Free World. A best selling author and motivational speaker, Bowen lays the groundwork for your personal revelation in his challenge: do not complain for 21 days in a row.
Sounds simple, doesn’t it?
Unsurprisingly, it is anything but. I started the challenge in January, 2018 and a little over two months later I only have 20 days left!
Why Should You Bother?
Bowen explains that we complain 15–30 times a day on average, which results in about 8,200 complaints per person over a single year! I hope you agree that if shown in dollars, $8,200 for anything that debilitates your happiness is certainly worth eliminating.
Unfortunately, very few of us realize how much we complain. You will be astounded by the negativity we allow in our lives the moment you become open minded to this challenge. Bowen paraphrases countless psychologists’ empirical research in the poignant remark that:
“ …unhappy relationships are most often distinguished by how much complaining occurs within the relationship.”
Jim Rohn famously observed how we are the average of the five people whom we spend the most time with. Not only does our attitude and worldview drastically shape our lives, it also considerably impacts those we hold dearest.
What Is A Complaint?
By now we should address the fundamental question. What is a complaint?
My personal challenge utilizes Bowen’s definition, with Tim Ferriss’ alterations and my own tweaks thrown in for good measure. Since starting in mid-January, I try to live by the following guide:
“A complaint is describing, criticizing, gossiping or sarcastically addressing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem, or without acknowledging the silver lining, learning opportunities and/or elements for gratitude.”
It is important to distinguish between a complaint and a statement of fact that happens to be negative based on your unique situation. This requires self-awareness on our part which comes quickly the more we try. Additionally, it is crucial that we see the difference between saying:
“Ugh, the traffic was brutal! I had to take three different routes and, since no one knows how to drive, I missed my meeting!”
versus
“The traffic was brutal, so I took three alternate routes to get to work as fast as I could. I missed the meeting but thankfully my co-worker sat in for me. And now that I think of it, the extra time driving let me catch up on some unfinished podcasts”.
The second situation might feel unrealistic right now, however it’s likely because we have not yet conditioned ourselves to this outlook which requires the persistence and dedication regardless of our setbacks.
My Journey — So Far
I won’t sugar coat it, this is requires your complete commitment to succeed. If you’re thinking it will be 21 days from start to finish, you’re either the world’s most optimistic person, or (more likely) you’re cheating yourself. To date, five days is the longest I’ve gone without breaking my outlined complaint rule…
Bowen implores wearing a bracelet and switching it between wrists each time you complain to anchor ourselves and increase accountability. I bypassed purchasing the bracelet he sells in lieu of my own, though I still spend much of my day rotating it from left to right.
Next, I try to write in a journal daily if I break my streak to reflect on several questions:
- What was the complaint?
- Why did I complain?
- Where was I when it occurred?
- How can I address the situation differently in the future?
The first is a documentation. The second improves my self-awareness, though it is the final two questions that are noticeably impacting my daily life. They help me focus on factors outside the common spectrum of awareness inhibiting progress.
The Complaint Free Environment
Re-stating my location helps determine triggers causing the majority of my complaints. At this point, this “X-factor” is the people I’m with.
Those I associate with shapes my environment and consistently determines the length my bracelet stays on my wrist. This should be intuitive since we reflect the people we surround ourselves by.
Where I was once unaware to these tendencies, a heightened cognizance as allowed me to notice when others complain as well. As you progress you’ll likely conclude that it oftentimes makes up the majority of our conversation. Gossiping is indisputably the largest culprit for complaints in social groups and the most difficult to avoid.
I have tried to adapt two courses of action for these situations:
First, I actively try to remain optimistic and only offer comments and opinions that do not break the rules of a complaint.
Second, I may force myself to simply not partake in conversations riddled with complaining.
Next are remedial complaints that seek to put control on outside circumstances — “my prof didn’t explain the the assignment”, “it’s my boss’ fault we lost the client”… each perpetuate a victim mentality that will poison our outlook of the world if not intentionally worked on.
Our energy is felt by those we associate with, creating either a negative feedback loop or a Pygmalion effect for pragmatic optimism.
The Complaint Free Mind
Taking ownership forces me to shift my focus from the problem to possible solutions. When I complain I make an effort to stop and reflect on the following:
- Can I solve this problem?
- What can I learn from this?
- What can I be grateful for?
I understand this may seem extreme and there are times that will feel like there is no answer. However, by training ourselves in approach situations this way, we can begin to change our state of mind.
I have certainly not eliminated all primal feelings from my days. Feeling angry is real. Experiencing grief and sadness does not get any easier. Serious and potentially dangerous feelings of anxiety, fear or depression should not be ignored. I am not advocating that by ceasing to complain will rid everyone of these feelings and battles they go through.
What I am suggesting is that it might help...
Answering the above questions allows me to use my words to control my thoughts which subsequently steers much of my life. There has been an immediate shift in my outlook as I begin to see to stop looking at how I have been wronged. Instead I choose to seek out what I may learn in order to hopefully create a better future.
This is not just my future, but everyone I encounter. Committing to living complaint free will make others take notice. Whether explicit or implicit, your demeanor resonates your newfound outlook.
Marcus Aurelius, the legendary Roman emperor and famed stoic said:
“The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.”
Everything that has happened to us is now past and out of our control. We only control how we react in the present, and choose to in the future. Victimizing ourselves traps us to the daily perils, but in taking ownership of our minds we may commit to productive action and hopefully a happier life.
Now What?
It has been over two months and I haven’t made it past five days. However, this “challenge” is evidently about the journey rather than the achievement. I can confidently say that I see the world differently. I am more capable of gratitude and feel more in control of myself.
And as you have already guessed, this doesn’t end on the 21 day. You now understand the power of your thoughts and the positive influence you have on others. You may be a leader to your peers and carry this developed mindset through your life.
Tell me more!
Tell me if you have tried the 21 day no complaint challenge. Share how it went, how you’re doing, and what you’ve experienced in the comments below!
