Your Self-Confidence is Change-able
I’ve struggled with self-confidence for as long as I can remember, and it’s certainly one of the areas of development that I will always need to work on, but lately, since I started deliberately working on it, I’ve noticed a massive improvement, not just in my confidence, but in my general outlook on life.
Self-confidence helps us to see opportunities
Having clear goals helps us to notice the elements and the people around you that can assist in achieving them. If you have a clear goal but don’t believe that you can achieve it, your mind will still fail to identify the opportunities around you. Your lack of faith in yourself blinds you.
If you have clear goals and clear belief in your ability to achieve them, then your mind is going to be as receptive as possible to the elements that will help you reach your goals.
When I started to see the opportunities in my life, I felt like an idiot for not being able to see them before, (Hi Medium!) but the need to overcome my general idiocy has, thankfully, been greater than the shame I felt, and I have started to take advantage of the opportunities around me.
Self-confidence facilities finding creative solutions
When you approach a goal not believing you can achieve it, you feel anxious, and your thinking gets clogged by the “fact” that you can’t do it, making finding good solutions to reach that goal less probable.
When you believe in yourself, you relax and think clearer. Self-confidence helps stimulate reasoning, memory and creativity because you are open to finding a solution.
Self-confidence stimulates action and persistence
It’s hard to act on a goal or task you don’t believe you’ll be able to complete. When you fail to reach your goal or complete the task, this confirms your belief.
I could not begin to tell you the goals or tasks I’ve not even started because I didn’t believe I could ever achieve or finish them. Since I’ve started improving my confidence, I have: doubled the number of push-ups I can do, tripled the number of squats I can do in one sitting, written every day on Medium, and worked on my fictional writing much more often too.
If you believe in yourself, you’ll feel motivated to act. You’ll stay motivated for longer, and you won’t be discouraged by mistakes or setbacks because you know that you can overcome them. You’ll be much more inclined to see setbacks and mistakes as part of the process and keep going despite them.
I feel much more optimistic about setbacks and mistakes that I make, and work to fix them, instead of throwing the whole thing out the window. I know that even though I make mistakes, so does everybody else. Setbacks are also apart of life, unfortunately, and the challenge isn’t not experiencing any setbacks, but in overcoming them.
Self-confidence makes others more responsive.
Other people tend to react the way you believe they will. If you ask a person for something, whether it be help moving house, or out for a cup of coffee, and believe that they will give it to you they will sense the conviction in your voice and be more inclined to respond to your request.
If you talk to someone and believe they’ll like you as you are, you’ll have a positive attitude which will make them like you more than if you believe they won’t like you and having a negative attitude. If you lack self-confidence, you’ll act shy, or try hard to impress, which will make them not like you.
I have been accused of being shy my entire life, and I think that is one of the reasons why I struggle so much with making small talk- the other people know that I don’t particularly want to talk to them. I’m trying to work on this, but my anxiety makes it difficult. I guess I just need to practice more.
Developing Self-confidence
When we begin to develop our self-confidence, it is important to set bold but realistic goals, because unrealistically high goals will set you up for failure, causing your confidence to plummet.
When we set bold, realistic goals and we achieve them, we build our self-confidence.
When you reach a goal, it’s okay to set a higher one and push yourself more but remember that the entire process needs to be incremental.
Gradually aim higher, and with every step forward you are building your confidence.
The best example of realistic goals is a workout challenge (yes! I have just come from the gym! However, did you notice?!). In a push-up challenge, for example, I work every day on getting just those few done, until at the end of the month, I’ll be looking back and realising that I’ve gone from struggling to do 5, to now being able to do 50!
I did ten push-ups this morning. Which is twice as many as I did just one week ago!
Learn to see your accomplishments.
Make a list of things you are proud of achieving, no matter how big or small. Keep the list handy, and add to it whenever you do something, no matter how big or small, that you are proud of.
Whenever you are feeling low, pull out the list, and use it to remind yourself of the awesome stuff you’ve achieved, and see how far you’ve come.
You can also make a list of your strengths and talents, and use it in the same way, and to work on building them up.
There is no limit to how often you can look at the list, if you must do it every day, or multiple times a day, then do it!
I keep my list in my bullet journal, which is a traveller’s notebook, it has inserts inside with pockets that I can keep loose paper. Before I go to an interview, or sometimes dinner with friends when I am not feeling particularly accomplished, I pull it out and read it over.
Stop comparing yourself.
No matter how good you are at something, you will always, in this enormous world, full of amazing people, find someone who you consider better at that thing. Comparing yourself to others will make you feel like you’re not good at anything, which is patently untrue, and will sabotage your self-confidence besides.
You’ll never be able to eliminate comparing yourself completely because it’s human nature, but you can reduce it by giving your mind better things to do, such as meaningful tasks and challenges.
If I am feeling low because I have been comparing myself to someone else who I consider to be more successful than I am, I drop them a comment, or an email, to let them know that they are an inspiration to me.
Develop yourself
Your self-confidence reflects how good you feel you are at handling the various aspects of life. The more you grow as a person, the more reason you have to believe in yourself.
Even basic life skills, like changing a tyre, a lightbulb, or a fuse have an impact on our confidence.
Especially if they are skills, we didn’t have before.
As you develop yourself be sure to keep track of your accomplishments, skills and talents as you gain more and grow the ones you have.
Deal with negative self-talk
Self-talk is a huge part of your confidence. By working on replacing negative self-talk with positive, you’re more likely to feel in control of the stuff that’s going on in your life.
Listen to what you are saying to yourself
- Notice what your inner voice is saying, is it mostly positive or negative? If you can, make notes each day on whether your voice is mostly positive or negative.
Remember when I said I felt like an idiot earlier? That’s negative.
Challenge your self-talk
- Is there any actual evidence for what you are thinking? What would you say if a friend or family member told you the kinds of things you’re telling yourself? What can you do to change what you’re feeling bad about?
I said, “I felt like an idiot” which is hard to find evidence for or against, but recognising that I felt like an idiot, not I was an idiot, is important to me.
Change your self-talk
- Keep a list of positive things about yourself, such as a list of accomplishments, talents and skills.
- Instead of saying “I’ll never be able to…” or “I’m not the kind of person who…” try “Is there anything that will help me do this?” or “I’m not the kind of person who does that, yet.”
I felt like an idiot, but I am making the most of the opportunities that I see now.
Flip your weaknesses into strengths
If we only focus on what is not right about ourselves, instead of what is, we miss opportunities. Focusing on weaknesses without either taking steps to improve or also giving fair focus towards our strengths gets us nowhere.
If you know you can be stubborn, find the positive in this. Stubbornness used well is called determination.
If you are a worrier, then you know what a powerful imagination you have, which used in the right context can help you immeasurably.
I am using my anxiety, along with my imagination to notice what areas of my life I would like to improve, and for Medium stories.
I am also making the most of my creativity and learning to harness my imagination in more constructive ways, such as writing fiction and learning to draw.
Develop your superpowers
Priming your mind with qualities and positive characteristics can determine your behaviour.
Think of the qualities of your favourite superhero, or hero in general, list them before you start your day. As well as heroic qualities, write down the qualities of people with your dream career, lifestyle, or just ones that you desire.
Begin your list with “I am…”
Visualise
Think of a situation in which your lack of confidence holds you back. Now think of your “hero”, could be a world leader, movie star, fictional character or your next-door neighbour. Close your eyes and imagine them dealing with the situation. Now imagine being them in the same situation, experiencing the situation in their shoes.
Visualise this before a situation you are not confident in handling or do it 2–3 times a day, or both!
Keep doing this until you notice you are starting to need it less and less.
This is a powerful exercise for me, personally, as I often use it before meeting new people (What would Elle Woods do?), making appointments (What would Mum do?), and talking to strangers down the street (Mum again, who could easily talk to a stranger for a few hours!)
Create a powerful vision of yourself.
Confidence comes not just from trying to convince yourself that you can do stuff but from developing the vision that you can achieve whatever you need to believe you can do or be.
Get into the habit of sitting down, closing your eyes and watching yourself behave decisively, calmly and strongly. This visualisation exercise means that you can learn from yourself how to be confident, have confidence, and behave in ways which will maximise your chances of success.
Self-confidence doesn’t mean arrogance or blindness to your shortcomings. It doesn’t mean believing that you are perfect as you are. Your confidence needs to be focused on how far you’ve come, and on who or what you will become.
Confidence gives us the freedom to make mistakes and cope with setbacks by seeing them for what they are: temporary. I’ve also noticed that as my confidence in myself grows, so too has, other people’s confidence in me grown.
