A Pseudo-Intellectual Guide to Quoting Shakespeare

I don’t know who she is, but I know that WhirlyGirl is smart. I’ll tell you why. She busted me for the unattributed Shakespeare quotation in my How to Be a Soul Blogger post. That means she not only reads my dreck, but when she came across the line:

Had I but served my God with half the zeal that I have served Denton [the original reads ‘my king’], He would not in mine age have left me naked to mine enemies.

She wrote:

This sentence is a pristine example of wordsmithery. It quite literally flows from the mind and mouth.

She not only read the dreck, but when she came across the Shakespeare she saw the pearl in the mud. There is no shame in not knowing that quote because it comes from Henry VIII, and nobody has read Henry VIII, not even people who have read a lot of Shakespeare.

You may be wondering how I know that quotation. The answer is, “I got it from a relative.” It was also a favorite of James Michael Curley’s.

That’s the essence of privilege, folks. If you have a couple of generations of people who have had private school education and university experience they will school you in how to flourish, like a magician’s trick, the social signals that you are educated.

So, I’ll pass on some of my privilege to you. Here are my top five ways to quote Shakespeare without getting caught. By “caught” I mean, “not making the Shakespeare quote sound like an aphorism you yanked from Bartlett’s.”

Since we live in a world where phrases like “It is what it is” and “I like the cut of his jib” can gain traction, I can only hope that the 400th birthday of the Bard will get some Shakespeare memes running through the tubes.

1. Greatest Unfriending Quote Ever

King Henry kicks Sir John Falstaff to the curb with the most remarkable unfriending speech in the history of the English language. It contains both fat jokes and the word “gormandizing”, but it starts with the soul punch of:

“I know thee not, old man” — Henry IV, Part II, Act 5, Scene 5

Use this whenever you discover that your “friend” was not your friend and was instead feeding your appetites and keeping you down.

2. The Great Lear Reference

Here is Cordelia’s answer to her father when he puts her to the test in the opening act of Lear.

According to my bond; nor more nor less. — King Lear Act 1, Scene 1

When people ask you how you like your job, this can be your reply, which will say more or less to them depending on their knowledge of the play.

3. The Corollary to “What if the dog explodes?”

I like to use the phrase, “what if the dog explodes” when people are contemplating far-fetched scenarios as if those scenarios are sane. You know the, “If someone falls during the block party, we’re all going to get sued and lose our houses” sentiment. Eventually, people use my own stolen words against me, and say “what if the dog explodes?” with a snear when I’m projecting doomsday, at which point I concede and say:

“I‘m not going to freak out until Birnam wood removes to Dunsinane” — Gutbloom Misquote of:

“Till Birnam wood remove to Dunsinane, I cannot taint with fear. — Macbeth Act V, Scene III

Which means, “yea, we shouldn’t worry about this” but at the same time reminds them that, in fact, Birnam wood DID come to Dunsinane.

I often misremember the quotation as “Till Birnam wood comes to Dunsinane”. I am big on Misremembering Literature.

4. Aversion Therapy

In Twelfth Night, the count, Orsino, has unrequited love for a Countess. So he opens the play by saying:

If music be the food of love, play on — Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 1

He continues to say that he wants to sate himself on the idea of love so that “The appetite may sicken, and so die.” In other words, I’m going to listen to nothing but love songs on my iPod until I get so sick of love that I’m not bothered anymore.

5. Hey, I’m Just Quoting Shakespeare

So, when Birnam wood removes to Dunsinane, a messenger brings MacBeth the news, to which he replies:

Liar and Slave! — Macbeth, Act. V, Scene V

Anytime someone brings you the bad news that you were expecting, this is the go to quotation. When they look at you offended, make sure to have the “Macbeth, act five, scene five” ready to go.