The Athenaeum
Published in

The Athenaeum

The Car of “Crazy Paulie”, meanmotherfuckingmachine

A Survey of Suburban Shamanism

Creation Myths

Early Suburban Hymns

The Taboos

  • Don’t put a fork in the toaster
  • If you make a face while drinking orange juice it will stay that way
  • Always change the default password on your router
  • Turn the hot water off first when taking a shower
  • Don’t shovel or rake the roof
  • Discard any cans that are dented
  • Always check the oil before using the lawn mower
  • Don’t put an empty milk carton back in the fridge
  • Too much fertilizer can burn the lawn
  • Stretch before you shovel snow
  • Wash the pot after you use it
  • If you don’t clip the trashcan, raccoons or dogs will get into the garbage

Magic Items

  • The gray box in the basement with all the switches in it
  • The red switch at the top of the cellar stairs
  • The cable box
  • Coriciden D tablets
  • Theraflu
  • The refrigerator
  • The microwave
  • The tank in the back of the toilet
  • The remote control
  • The Lawn Mower
  • Lamps
  • Mattresses
  • Tea Kettles
  • Gutters
  • Shower, bathtub and sink drains
  • A Water Pik

The Legends

The Koans

In Conclusion

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Gutbloom

Tribune of Medium. Mayor Emeritus of LiveJournal. Third Pharaoh of the Elusive Order of St. John the Dwarf. I am to Medium what bratwurst is to food.