da Vinci: Only Child
Who Do You Sub-Vocalize For?
Canadians always know who is Canadian. Every Canadian carries a mental list of Canadian celebrities as a byproduct of their country’s programming content laws. They may mock the laws, but each one of them know more about Michael Bublé than you or I would be willing to admit.
Many can’t stop themselves from sharing their nationalistic knowledge. If you say “I was reading on Gutbloom’s journal that Seth Rogan retains more lawyers than water.” the Canadian among you will undoubtedly insert the word “Canadian” directly after you say “Rogan” under his or her breath. Even if they avoid saying it out loud, they often sub-vocalize the “Canadian” comment. You can see their lips move.
So the following statement, when run through the Canadian translator, looks like this: “I was watching the Colbert (Not Canadian) show last night and he did a funny skit with the guests William Shatner (Canadian), the Rock (Canadian)¹, and Michael Cera (Canadian) . It was really funny until Shania Twain (Canadian) came on and ruined the whole thing.”
Here is a litmus test to smoke out non-Canadians — you know, like Americans traveling in Europe that don’t want to be robbed. Ask the “Canadian” what nationality Donald Sutherland is. Who knew that Donald Sutherland was Canadian? Canadians.
Canadians are not unique in their chauvinism. Many members of small countries think this way obsessively. People from Thailand undoubtedly say “half-thai” whenever they hear the name “Tiger Woods.” If you were to say “Bjork is from Norway” in front of someone from Iceland there isn’t a lamb dog’s chance in Hell they wouldn’t correct you.
Some countries are so possessive of their national icons that they have to make sure lesser lights don’t tarnish the few gems they’ve got. Scottish people, for example, think like this: “Mel Gibson (not Scottish) is a really bad, wee little actor. Not as good as Sean Connery (Scottish), who can sing, unlike Rod Stewart (Canadian).”
We all love to take credit for the celebrities and famous people that are part of our group. We can even extend it to religion, ethnicity, or “descent”. I’ll give you a couple of lists and you tell me the connection. I’ll start out easy:
Arianna Huffington
Tommy Lee
Kevin Youkilis
Jennifer Aniston
Tina Fey
The answer is “Greeks”. I’m sure the Greeks among you got that right. I threw Kevin Youkilis in there to screw up the Jews among us. You can’t beat Jewish people at this game, and Kevin Youkilis is both Greek AND Jewish.
Here is another list:
Cher
Kim Kardashian
Andre Agassi
Steve Jobs
If you answered “Armenian” my guess is you are Armenian. It doesn’t really matter. You get the point.
We do this with other tribalisms. Gay people like to tell you that da Vinci was gay, while Italian people like to tell you that he was Italian. Left-handed people are aware that Obama, Bill Gates, and Katniss Everdeen are left-handed. The rest of us probably haven’t noticed.
Even disease sufferers like to count the famous among their ranks: Dwight Eisenhower (Crohn’s disease), Emily Dickenson (psychosomatic disorder), Jane Auston (gastrointestinal carcinoma), VanGogh (epilepsy), Beethoven (syphilis). OK, maybe syphilis sufferers don’t care that they count Beethoven among their ranks.
There aren’t many interesting groups to which I belong. “Irish-Americans” is such a large tent that it doesn’t import any identity. Neither does saying “Type-2 diabetic” after someone says “Tom Hanks.” It’s true that I never fail to say “from Hastings” when someone mentions Keith Oberman or Rikki Lake, but my home town isn’t large enough to make the list in my head worthwhile.
I do have a good list in my head. I now sub-vocalize on behalf of a group I don’t belong to when certain names come up.
The Boss and I made a conscious decision years ago to have one child, which makes my son an “only child.”
To come to terms with the monstrous affliction that we, in our selfishness, condemned him to, we subscribed for a few years to “Only Child” magazine — wherein each month there is an interview with a famous only child. So now when you say “Elvis” I say “only child.” There are plenty of others:
Steve Allen
Lance Armstrong
Meredith Artley
Lauren Bacall
Bill Bradley
Carol Burnett
Laura Bush
Chelsea Clinton
Walter Cronkite
Leonardo da Vinci
Albert Einstein (and left handed!)
Indira Gandhi
Tipper Gore
Ted Koppel (Canadian!)
Charles Lindbergh
Joe Montana
Isaac Newton
Al Pachino
Gregory Peck
Elvis Presley
Nancy Reagan
FDR (Only Child’s “Only Child of the Century!)
Brooke Shields
Frank Sinatra
Robin Williams
Tiger Woods
¹ The Rock was born in California, but Canadians claim him because his father was Canadian and he is a Canadian citizen. His father was not just Canadian, his father is a black Nova Scotian.
