I Accept the Niantic Party’s Nomination for Mayor of Medium
[Here is the text of the speech delivered by Medium Mayoral candidate Gutbloom on the last day of the Niantic party’s convention, which was held on the Mushamaguntic Fair Grounds during the Zucchini Festival. There was a large crowd, perhaps in the thousands, owing to the fact that he spoke between the crowning of the Zucchini Queen and the Skid Steer Demolition Derby. His remarks are as follows — The Editors]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you…. thank you…. thank you…………………. thank you………thanks, thank you
[It should be noted that the crowd was clapping and cheering because there was a rat with a corndog running across the infield of the race track. Thinking that the cheers were for him, Gutbloom tried to milk the moment for as long as possible.]
No, really…. thank you [he did that little bow thing with his hands in a pray position in front of him]…. thanks.
Friends, Mediumans, Bloggermen and Bloggerwomen, it is with great humility and honor that I accept this historic nomination as the Niantic Party’s first Type II Diabetic candidate for Mayor of Medium!
I have literally been working towards this moment my entire life. When I was a kid I ate Suzy-Qs. Then, in college, I used to go to Hardees drunk at four in the morning and eat my weight in sausage and egg biscuits. In law school… strike that, I didn’t go to law school… when some of my friends were in law school, I discovered that all you need to do to cook pasta is boil it. For a decade I ate pasta with salt, butter, cheese and a little white pepper. I washed it down with beer. Now they tell me that was a bad idea, that maybe I should have been drinking wine and could have thrown some vegetables on the pasta, but who had time for chopping vegetables in those days? I was too busy BLOGGING.
[Thinking this was an obvious applause line, Gutbloom stopped and stared at the crowd. They continued their distracted noise making and conversations. He continued — Ed.]
You sir! Put that candy bar down! [Gutbloom gesticulated wildly to one of the political “volunteers” at the edge of the small crowd] Don’t give out the frozen Snickers bars to anyone who doesn’t stay for the whole speech. Imbeciles. This is the last time I use “Young Niantic Party” kids instead of the firemen I usually hire.
Friends, there are some things in the news that I want to clear up before I begin my laundry list of empty promises to specific constituencies within Medium. First, there is the issue of the special server in my basement. It’s true, I have a special server in my basement. What’s not true is that I use it to access a chat site called “Women in Swim Fins and Football Helmets.com.” I use that computer to play Klondike and Tetris. Yes, I still play both, and one day I will beat both games BECAUSE I NEVER GIVE UP.
[Gutbloom then tapped the microphone and asked, ‘Is this thing on?’ — Eds.]
I want to address the followers of Radical Free Ellie who ran against me in the primary for this Niantic Party nomination. I love your youthful passion. I love your youthful energy. I love your youthful skin. I love your youthful hair, and the fact that you kids wear open toed shoes that show your feet even in the winter, and I love that bra-strap thing, and the sports bras beneath large sleeveless tee shirts, and yoga pants, I love your youthful yoga pants… [Gutbloom seemed to trail off and become lost reviewing internal stimuli. He recovered — Eds.] I want you to know that I have heard you! Radical Free Ellie and I sat down and worked out a platform. We are going to monetize Medium. There will be micro-payments for all. WE WILL MAKE EV WILLIAMS SHARE THE VENTURE CAPITAL. There will be fountains of beer, cigarette trees, artisan sandwiches in every refrigerator, something called “mochachino”, and every story will GET THE 500 RECOMMENDS IT DESERVES!
You’re supposed to cheer. Do you guys understand that? When I shout the last line and raise my hand like this [Gutbloom pointed a finger at the crowd] you guys are supposed to go nuts. The firemen will not distribute the frozen Snicker bars unless you guys pick up you game. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
[There was some applause — Eds.]
Now, there are some, those from the other party, who want to talk down Medium. They say that the “For You” algorithm is “broken.” They say that they can’t find the stories of people and publications they follow. They say that the pro publications are choking their feed. Let me tell you something, folks, Medium isn’t broken. They are broken. They think Medium is broken because they don’t understand Medium. Those things aren’t bugs, they are features! MEDIUM IS THE GREATEST BLOGGING PLATFORM THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN.
[There was no applause — Eds.]
Maybe I have to shout a little louder? Did you not see my hand go up? Joe, get the applause sign out. These people are morons.
I know that some of you know me, but for those of you who are new to Medium and the Niantic party, let me introduce myself.
I started blogging at an early age. I was born in a small town and lived in a small house with a white picket fence, a pitcher of iced tea in the refrigerator, and one of those cake holder things that never had any cake in it. Just like you. For my birthday, my grandmother, herself the daughter of Irish-immigrants who came to this country so they could write melodramatic doggerel and have it published in a local paper called The Westerly Sun, sent me a sweater. My mother made me write a thank-you note. When I wrote one, she tore it up… like some kind of fucking proto-tiger mom… and said, “you have to tell your grandmother what you are going to do with the sweater. You have to tell her about your life. She wants to hear about your life. That’s the quid-pro-quo of gift giving. She gives you things because she wants to be connected to what you are doing.” And so it began. I started blogging, by making up lies about what I was going to do with the sweater and providing a heavily curated view of my life in order to keep the gift stream flowing. I STARTED THEN AND I HAVE NOT STOPPED. I AM STILL TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT MY LIFE IN THE HOPES OF KEEPING THE GIFT STREAM FLOWING.
[Some cheers. — Eds.]
Were there setbacks? Did I have moments of defeat and misery that I can exploit so that you know I feel your pain when you write a great post and only get 10 views and one recommend? Of course I had setbacks. When I was in college I participated in a creative writing seminar led by my school’s most famous and prolific author. We submitted “stories” to him before the seminar, and after heaping praise on another girl’s short story, that guy turned to me while looking at my offering and said, “there is nothing funny about suffering.” Then he went on to the next person. Well, tell me, if he was such a genius, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING NOW?
[A chant of ‘Where are the skid steers?’ began. — Eds.]
Here’s the thing. I’m being serious now. Notice how I am dropping my voice to an almost whisper and am looking directly to where the cameras would be if this speech were televised? Here’s the thing. We can’t do it alone. Let me repeat that. We. Can’t. Do. It. Alone. You can’t blog by yourself. At the very least, you need other people to pretend they read your post. If nobody even views your blog then your not blogging, you’re writing, and none of us came here just to write, did we? So we need each other. Together, we can make blogging better. We can make Medium better. We do it not just because we are convinced of the importance of our own ideas, or because we are enamored by our own turns of phrase, or because after 50 the loss of testosterone opens up all of this time in the day that used to be devoted to masturbation… no, we do it because it’s WHO WE ARE. We are bloggers. Medium isn’t great because it makes great bloggers; GREAT BLOGGERS MAKE MEDIUM GREAT.
THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YOU. GOD BLESS MEDIUM. GOD BLESS THE BLOGOSHPERE.
Now, let’s go to the beer tent, find the Zucchini Queen, and do some real campaigning.
[The crowd cheered as Gutbloom left the the stage. — Eds]
