Pee Wee’s Replacement
It’s hard to start this story because I don’t have a flunky with whom to share my fictional burdens, but I’m on the verge of fixing that.
If you are not up to speed on the personnel problems here at the Mill you should read this:
When I set out to find Pee Wee’s replacement I had high hopes. I knew I wanted a senior citizen. I hoped that the hire could add some diversity to the Mill. I fantasized about having the “wise old black man” trope fill the corner, or a stoic Navajo grandma in a Spanish skirt working on a loom and laughing at my jokes. You would have thought I had learned by lesson from Pee Wee’s visa problems, but a man can hope, can’t he?
I decided to put an ad in the newspaper thinking I might capture an uptight Bengali bureaucrat or a crossword playing ex-nun. The average age of readers of our afternoon daily, The Fishguard Herald-Statesman, is 82, so I took out an ad there. I had to walk it in to their paste-up department. It read:
The Mill is hiring…
Immediate opening for a “flunky”
Must be able to fetch ice
Ability to entertain Mediumans a plus
Salary commensurate with experience
To apply, fill out our online application at [url redacted]
Walking into the Fishguard Herald-Statesmen is like walking into a wax museum. I couldn’t believe that they were smoking in the newsroom. I asked how that was possible, and the sports editor told me that they applied for a license to be a “tobacco shop” and then had everyone sign waivers and arbitration agreements so that the insurance company didn’t flip out.
The genius of my plan, if you haven’t noticed it already, was to run the ad in the paper but make the prospective flunkies fill out an online application. The Venn diagram overlap between “reads afternoon newspaper” and “is willing to fill out online application form” is very, very small. There were only two applicants. One was perfectly filled out and I knew immediately that this was the mainframe ASS42000 trying to make the case that it can do anything a human can do (which is why the “getting ice” requirement is so important). The other was from a guy named Fat Joe McLoughlin. That’s what he put in the form. First name: Fat. Middle name: Joe. Last name: McLoughlin. I decided to bring him in for an interview.
The Interview With Fat Joe
Fat Joe came in to the office carrying an iPad and wearing tennis sneakers, a pair of baggy shorts, a tee shirt with the U.S. flag and the words “These colors don’t run” on it, and a Boston Red Sox cap backwards on his head. He had an earbud in his left ear attached to the iPad. Over his right shoulder he had one of those folding fabric beach chairs with the cup holder in it, which he proceeded to unfold and set up in front of my desk. As he was settling into it I asked him:
Gutbloom: How did you know to bring your own chair?
Fat Joe: I read your crap on the Internet. I ain’t sitting on no milk crate.
Gutbloom: Well, I guess we should start the interview. I have a set of prepared questions that I will carefully ask all applicants in the exact same order and tone so as to stymie any potential discrimination lawsuits.
Fat Joe: Go ahead.
Gutbloom: What are your strengths and weaknesses?
Fat Joe: For strengths, I’ve got five thousand followers on Twitter. For weaknesses, I’m too fat to clip my own toenails, so I get pedicures at the Asian place.
[I wanted to respond to the Twitter lie and question his use of “Asian”, but the lawyers made it very clear that I had to stick to the script. This might be a good time to say that Joe spoke in a high pitched Bronx accent and that he smelled good… like lavender talcum powder.]
Gutbloom: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Fat Joe: Either taking a dirt nap or running this joint.
Gutbloom: If you could be any tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Fat Joe: An American Chestnut
Gutbloom: They’re extinct
Fat Joe: No they ain’t. They got a bunch of disease resistant ones in Pennsylvania, and you’re supposed to stick to the script.
Gutbloom: How do you know I’m supposed to stick to the script?
Fat Joe: [Joe pointed to the earbud leading from his left ear to the iPad.] I’ve got Siri reading this crap to me as you write it.
Gutbloom: Who gave you access?
Fat Joe: [pointing to the ASS42000] Da bot.
Gutbloom: Well, this is not crap, it’s dreck.
Fat Joe: Do I look Jewish to you? Just because you recognize Yiddish words doesn’t mean you have to use them. And let me tell you another thing, [He adjusted himself in the chair and pointed a meaty finger at me] if I do use a Yiddish word, I make sure I can spell it. I don’t need
walking behind me cleaning up my messes.Gutbloom: Let’s get back to the interview, Mr. McLoughlin. The most important part of your job is getting ice. I have drawn the office and ice machine down the hall on the whiteboard. I would like you to write a program in Python that allows us to monitor the ice level in the ice machine from our smartphones. You can have all the time you want. [I extended the pink dry-erase marker to him]
He went to the white board and drew dick-butt.
Gutbloom: I think this means you get the job, but we can’t call you “Fat Joe” because that would be fat-shamey.
Fat Joe: Everyone calls me “Fat Joe”.
Gutbloom: Everyone used to believe that punching a hole in your heel and letting the blood drain out was a good way to fight the flu.
Fat Joe: What do you pay?
[I wrote a number on a sheet of paper and slid it across the desk. Joe picked it up and looked at it.]
Fat Joe: That’s not even minimum wage.
Gutbloom: Yes it is. That’s tipping minimum. You can get tips.
Fat Joe: I can get tips? From everyone? Even the bot? [he pointed to the ASS42000].
Gutbloom: Yes.
Fat Joe: Otto, can you send the past results on DOW JOENS and PRINCE ADIRAN at Saratoga? I also want the over-under on tonight’s game 6 of the Warriors-Cavaliers series, and current valuation of STMicroelectonics.
Gutbloom: Why did you just call the ASS42000, Otto?
Fat Joe: Because that’s its name.
Gutbloom: Somehow I think I’ve been had. There is so much I want to ask you, but I’m afraid we are pushing the six-minute read mark. I will continue this tomorrow.
Fat Joe: That’s a mistake. Nobody reads serialized stories on Medium.
Gutbloom: How do you know that?
Fat Joe: I looked at your stats for the editor series.
Gutbloom: Don’t mention editors. They may come.
