The 2018 Commencement Address

Just as Boring As Last Year

[Here is the text of the commencement address delivered to the graduating class of Mushamaguntic School of Economics by his honor, Tribune Gutbloom, on May 12th, 2018. Most in attendance agreed that it seemed as though the Tribune had been drinking prior to his remarks. One graduate described him as “mush-mouthed”. Another simply said, “Yea, grandpa was trashed.” Descriptions of some of the Tribune’s actions have been added in order to preserve the memory of the day’s embarrassing events. — The Editors]

Good afternoon. Thank you, Dean Teuer, for that informative introduction. I’m not sure why you had to mention the indictments, but you got a big laugh and that, we can all agree, is reason enough. I hope I get as big a laugh when I bring up the enrollment numbers for next year. [crickets]

Ladies, Gentleman, and other folks dispersed along the gender continuum of civilized behavior and good manners, you should be gratified to know that I promise to keep my remarks short. I know almost nothing of finance, but since ignorance of a topic has never stopped me from lecturing on it, I’ll confess that my intended brevity has more to do with wanting to get to the Knick at the start of happy hour than anything else. [Editor’s note: The “Knick” is a local bar that caters to college kids. Its ‘Happy Hour’…