The Sorrows of Gin
Given that today is Friday, I imagine that some of you Mediumans have a date with John Barleycorn tonight. I know I do. It’s my way of improving the feed. I’m at the age now that the best use I can find for “beer goggles” is to improve the appeal of listicles.
I understand that we have run almost all of the millennials off the lawn. When I first joined Medium there were lots of kids. I’m not sure where they went. I think they’re hiding somewhere much cooler with the black and Indian people who used to be on Medium. You wait. I’m going to find them this summer and ruin their new place by creating an account and posting this crap there.
If there were young people still on this platform I would give them life lessons. I’d start with warning them about drink.
A Warning About Beer
Some historians think that beer was first brewed in Sumer before bread was invented. The Egyptians even made little breweries to bring with them in the afterlife.
In Egyptian myth, the god Osiris taught humans how to make beer. Why is that important? Because Osiris was the Egyptian god of death. I’m not saying that the Egyptians were implying that beer would kill you. Remember, they were big on the whole death trip. I think the fundamental moral truth of the myth is this; drink enough beer and you’ll think you’ve died, or at least you will smell like you have died to others.
A Warning About Too Much Wine
The first instance of biblical drunkenness is the story of Noah,who got drunk some time after the flood. That seems pretty reckless since God had recently wiped out all the sinners. Noah must have been sure he could remain upright even when falling down. While Noah was drunk, his son Ham looked upon (and possibly mocked) his nakedness. Apparently the word used is not just “nakedness” but nakedness with your genitals exposed. You have to wonder why we didn’t pick up on the Hebrew loan word that means “naked with your dick out.”
Noah’s other sons, Shem and Japeth, covered their dad without looking at their father’s junk. When Noah woke up, he cursed all of the descendants of Ham. There are many lessons here. 1. Before you pass out try to cover your genitals 2. If your parents pass out, don’t laugh at them where God can see you 3. You are asking for trouble when you name your kid “Ham”.
A Warning About Wine II
Above is a statue of Bacchus. I usually think of the Greek god Dionysus as a youthful god and his Roman equivalent, Bacchus, as a mean old wino. Doesn’t look too much like a god anymore does he? Wine will do that to you. Some historians believe that the cultivation of orchard crops, like grape vines and olive trees, contributed to the escalation of violence in Western culture. Grape vines take a long time to grow. If an enemy invades your country and burns your fields it is not easy to recover. The ancient Greeks, therefore, couldn’t afford to vacate the land in the face of an enemy. Instead they stood their ground. They developed the phalanx and were willing to make use of the xiphos, a short thrusting sword. So the warning here is to remember the phrase, In vino violentia, which roughly translates as “In goes the wine… and then someone gets hit.”
A Warning About Distilled Spirits
One of the earliest distilled spirits was vodka. Russians have been drinking vodka for over a thousand years. The word “vodka” is closely related to the word for “water” in Russian. No surprise there. You would drink spirits like water if Fall started in August and all you could during the winter was read Dostoyevsky and watch your government groom Donald Trump. There may be another reason to drink vodka instead of water in Russia. A lot of water in Russia contains the cryptosporidium parasite, which can lead to “greasy, malodorous diarrhea.” While spirits may help you avoid the parasite, I’m not sure drinking vodka like water won’t result in a similar condition.
A Warning About Gin
Vodka is really just a distilled spirit from “neutral grains.” So is gin, but gin is flavored with juniper berries. Gin was invented in the low countries. Who wants to drink something invented in the low countries? It was introduced to England by William of Orange and soon spread ruin. Cheaper than beer or wine because it was untaxed, gin quickly became the drink of the poor. If you wake up stinking of juniper berries, remember that you have been enjoying the choice of low types from the low countries.
A Warning About Martinis
The guy above is sometimes referred to as “John Martini.” He was Custer’s bugler. Nobody in my family ever confused the word “martini” with a last name. One of my uncles told my cousin “I never had a beer the whole time I was in college.” My cousin said, “You didn’t drink?” My uncle said, “No, I only drank martinis.” Of course, by the time he was in college he had stepped on a land mine while fighting the Germans during World War II. While it may seem sophisticated to order a “dry martini,” be aware that you are about to face major league pitching. You might be better off doing like England’s poor in the 1700’s and ordering a “dram” of straight gin or vodka. Without the whisper of vermouth and an olive, there’s no mistaking what you’re doing.
A Warning About Other Cocktails
My grandfather drank manhattans. He mixed them up in a tumbler and stirred them with his finger. When he had the proportions right he would say to himself, “yes, doctor.” Seemed very sophisticated to a young boy. So did whiskey sours at football games, Bloody Marys on weekend mornings, and tall glasses of scotch and soda. When I got old enough to sample those cocktails, I realized that the entire contingent of adults taking care of me had been stupefied for most of my childhood. I’m not sure how they functioned. I couldn’t bear to sit in church wearing gray flannel pants at 9:00 in the morning. What kind of hell must they have been going through? But people were tougher then. That was the “greatest generation.” They thought a night off involved sticking to shooting sherry. So here is my warning: unless you call asphalt “macadam” or blue jeans “dungarees”, beware of cocktails.
A Warning About Saloons
'Twas an evening in October, I'll confess I wasn't sober,
I was carting home a load with manly pride,
When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter,
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.
Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter,
Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say:
"You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,"
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.Not all bars were created equally. If you find yourself in an establishment that has large amounts of cowboys, lumberjacks, fisherman, merchant marines, soldiers, bikers, construction workers, or guys with prison tattoos it’s not a good place to be unless you are a cowboy, lumberjack, fisherman, etc. If, when you walk into the bar, the conversation stops and everyone turns to look at you, the smart thing to do is say “Oh, this isn’t the police station?” and then walk out. If you are in a bar and someone you don’t know begins a conversation with “You know what I’ve always wanted to know? I want to know why guys like you…” It’s time to run.
A Warning About Saloons II
Remember, the trouble in a bar is not just with the bar flies. The trouble come from just being in the same place as the bar flies. In a bar it’s easy to get caught up in a case of guilt by association. Above is a picture of Carrie Nation. As the founder of the temperance movement, she got the ball of wax rolling by smashing up a few gin joints with that ax of hers. I don’t think she stopped to figure out who was and was not a drunkard before she started swinging. If you’ve ever seen a fight in a bar, you made a mistake. Smart people leave as soon as a bar fight starts. They don’t stay to watch it.
A Warning About Tequila
The gentleman above is making Tequila. Let’s hope he has washed.
