The Tribune’s 2017 Commencement Address

[Note From the Editors: Each year it is our custom to publish a transcript of the Tribune of Medium’s commencement address, despite frequent requests by our readers not to do so. This year his honor, Tribune Gutbloom, spoke to the graduates of the Medium Academy for Military Science and Mineral Extraction. His remarks were as follow.]

“Commandant, Commandantess, Field Marshals, Roughnecks, CFO’s, Generals, and squids; allow me to begin my comments today by saying Dulce et decorum est pro blogosphere mori. I send you forth secure in the knowledge that our military curriculum has prepared you well for the challenges that lie ahead. You may have your doubts, but I assure you that your understanding of Caesar’s defense of the tactical donut at Alesia will help you administer the payroll of a pipeline project in North Korea if you remember that when a true leader’s work is done the people will say “we did it ourselves”.

My advice is to let people do things themselves. Then they are sure to say “we did it ourselves”. Just remind them every now and again that you are the leader, by saying things like “I’m the leader” and “remember, I’m the leader here.”

Things have changed since I was in your place. For one thing, there were no female cadets in my class. When we played “sharkbite” and other “games” of grabass there was no chance of…