I Have Cancer and I’m Just Trying to Stay Alive
My mantra used to be “Stage IV cancer! Could it get any worse?” Then it got worse.
By Caitlin Flanagan
The good thing about having Stage IV cancer is that nobody thinks you’re bellyaching when you complain about it. It’s a field day for the discontented. You get to wander around muttering to yourself, “Stage IV cancer! Could it get any worse?”
Rilke taught us not to seek the answers but to love the questions. Good advice. Now I’m stuck in my house muttering, “Stage IV cancer during a pandemic! Could it get any — oh, never mind.”
I’m one of the people all of this social distancing is helping to stay alive, so far. I belong to the group of people — the infirm, the weak — who certain conservatives have said should offer themselves up to the coronavirus. I’m part of the “cure” that mustn’t be worse than “the problem,” according to Donald Trump. Glenn Beck seems to think we should show our patriotism by volunteering to be killed by the virus rather than “kill the country.”
I’ve come close to dying a few times, and I’m not afraid anymore, just sad. I’m like a war correspondent or an assassin — all I need is the call, and I’ll be gone in the night. I wish I had something helpful to say, now, about fear; for a long…
