How I Remembered my Self Worth in Adult Play & Encouraged My Inner Child with Barbie Dolls
an essay-journaling hybrid
“We play with Barbies around here”
“I desperately longed for a home I could control.”
You probably do not know this about me, but I’m an adult collector of Barbies. Barbie dolls. Also, I’m a close to middle aged gal.
“That Barbie?!”, you may ask. The perpetual bane of Feminism? The doll that 65 years ago, probably planted the seed of unhealthy and unattainable body images into the minds of impressionable young girls everywhere….Barbie?
Every 1950–1990s era mother’s worst nightmare, then made manifest into unholy plastic flesh??? With breasts!
Barbie. Yep.
But let’s give the girl a chance, she’s done the work. She’s made some major improvements to her character. I think the personality’s remained the same, though. Pink is her favorite color! But I digress.
While some people may find it peculiar to collect dolls as an adult, I have always loved aspects of doll play since I was a tiny little girl. I just never had the peace and stability I needed to continue playing. My interest in dressing them and decorating their small homes supplemented my creating stories for them. Truthfully, it was because I desperately longed for a home I could control. For structure and stability. To know I would be okay and the world wasn’t ending tomorrow. That I could play and everything wouldn’t fall apart without me on high alert.
This interest in escapism and ultimately for creative play has never waned, I just thought we put childish things away once we were a certain age, or more adult things took precedent in life. So for many many years, I only played vicariously through my own daughters. It was fleeting and childhood is soon over, we’re left to our own devices and this is where we see for ourselves if we are okay left in our own company.
Then I had a granddaughter, and she pushed me into that world again. I had given her the spark of Barbie and in turn she had coaxed my own cooling, dwindling flame back to the inferno it is today.
Author’s photo, playing dolls with her granddaughter outside, 2024
The more I realized it was “okay” to want to play, the more I ran with it!
“This trap we’ve allowed ourselves to be caged in. This mandate that states unequivocally how we should think and feel. These things are not infallible.”
I was a young girl, again(at over 40), growing up and for once; without apologies and proudly into my own self. I allowed myself to be immersed in joy. Finally I was free from all the messiness of my upbringing, having a childhood without burden where I had no worries, that which had before kept me from this carefree play.
I wish all adults would know that this were possible, and be able to brush aside their ego and pull away the mask that social constructs had plastered onto us. We donned the costume, were we to survive. But at such a cost.
This trap we’ve allowed ourselves to be caged in. This mandate that states unequivocally how we should think and feel. These things are not infallible. There’s a key to the lock that holds us back from ultimate bliss, and we’re it. You are it.
Like me, they could begin to find the solace and joy we needed to be and feel whole. I’ve been doing that in collecting all the beautiful and interesting Barbie dolls.
“I spent my years as a child introverted and largely felt unseen.”
For me, each doll represents the many different stones that had been left untouched and covered; an area of my experienced early life. For decades they had become heavy, filled up with dysfunctional family dynamics and difficulties that culminated into attachment issues. Lifting stones one by one, I could see and accept every upheaval that disturbed my being. And then I could throw it away, that long gone undisturbed splinter that festered. They matter even if I couldn’t see the wound.
Those phases of my life, stretching back into girlhood, each doll finally representing a different person that should’ve helped me. I desperately needed who I have become today, during the traumatic times.
I had come to learn, I just knew I had no one; or I knew the ones I did have, were not to be counted on. I spent my years as a child introverted and largely felt unseen.
Author’s own photo, edited for comedic relief (inserted in case of heavy & emotional subject). This Barbie is referencing doing “The Inner Work”
Finally though, aspects of myself were evolving and I was identifying areas where my emotional growth had been stunted or just plain cut out as a seed. I was now eventually blending into many different worlds, each welcoming me with reassurance. Barbie and her many different representations were beckoning, waiting for me to discover and myself be rediscovered.
I have found a wonderful activity that I could share with the little girl I love so much. I was nurturing and encouraging her, and my inner child. I was able to be successful in doing for my granddaughter what no adult in my life had been able to do for me.
Author’s photo
We have both shared fun times playing with dolls, in inventing life stories and setting the stage of each of their adventures. I had never realized before now, how important this kind of play is for learning interpersonal communication and skills.
There are too many positive aspects of both children and adult playing to ignore. It’s science!
We’ve had to be crafty in making room for all these Barbie dolls we’ve collected, her and I. And like everyone else, in life we make mistakes. Invariably we fail at some of our endeavors. And that’s ok. We live our passion and live it with those we love.
I’ve come to know matters is that we have, no matter how silly we look or how fumbling our tries are, someone to dust us off and smile with us. Telling us we are not alone.
There is someone that loves me and will be there when I need them the most. I am worthy of your time and your attention.
So, we make plans, just be together, and play.
Author’s photo, the granddaughter’s artistic posing. We made the tiny toys by hand.
Together, my granddaughter and I continue to celebrate life and ourselves, our own innate beauty and talents; we do this through Barbie. And dolls, no matter how differently they might look or dress, or how old and tattered-is loved. Each little child looks and sees themselves, and learns that we are alike, we’re each other.
The rare artistry of Barbie, and her glorious affirmation for girls and boys, is at its core, is the validation that we are full of potential; with the endless possibilities we have before us, if we only look inside ourselves.
I can do anything
I can be anything
